an. three parts. chronological order, past to present. two people who hurt me and one who hasn't.


one. kevin.

i remember when you wrote "i love you" on a shred of paper because it was too scary to say it aloud. i remember how i said it back, even though i didn't mean it, had no idea what the words even meant. i remember keeping that paper hidden in a picture frame, behind my sister and i, for months after i broke up with you. i remember the look on your face when i said i didn't care about my virginity: disgust. i remember being relieved later that you wouldn't sleep with me, even though i was humiliated at the time. i remember "i fucking love you" and how afraid i was. i remember "i'm going to go down on you" even when i held up my hands to stop you, shaking, almost in tears, and how you didn't listen. i remember your hand on my breast, and the bruise. i remember the day we met, how you came up behind me and grabbed my earbud to ask what i was listening to, and i was so intrigued by your arrogance. i remember the day i broke down in my mother's car, telling her how much you reminded me of my dad. i remember leaving you on a chilly thursday in april, how hurt you were. i remember you asking brandi out three weeks later, when i still didn't know what to do with myself. i remember finding out that you got your girlfriend pregnant, and wondering if you would leave her. i remember you sitting directly across from me in the gym and staring throughout the entire pep rally, hardly blinking, and i felt so awful i nearly lost my nerve and offered you a place in my life again. i remember every moment, every nightmare, every letter, every guilt trip. do you?