a/n: um. sorry i can't stop writing awfully morbid things. i don't know where it comes from, honestly. anyway. trigger warning for suicide.


i.
In the beginning:
I only press the snooze button once
And my shower is ten minutes long;
Breakfast is plain fruit salad.

After school I go for a run,
Early autumn air warm and chill all at once,
My feet sending auburn gold orange leaves
Spinning on the concrete.

I am in bed by nine-thirty,
And asleep by ten,
And dreaming by ten-fifteen.

ii.
In the middle:
I press the snooze button too many times,
Until my alarm doesn't bother to ring anymore.
My shower runs out of hot water
And I am forced to rinse my shampoo
With winter-chilled water from rusty pipes.

I don't eat breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
I'm late for school.

After school I do homework,
And give up at five-thirty-three.
I lay in bed til dinner
(Where I don't eat my vegetables)
And tell my mom I had a good day.

I'm in bed by nine-thirty,
But I do not sleep.

iii.
In the end:
I don't bother to set my alarm anymore,
And my showers are spent with me sitting on the wet tile,
Staring at the razor blade in my hand.
Sometimes I eat breakfast
And sometimes I throw it up afterwards,
My stomach emptying itself into the white porcelain toilet bowl.

I haven't been to school in a week,
And my mom won't stop shouting.

I haven't run in ages,
Not since I tripped and skinned my knee
And realized that I liked the way the blood trickled down my leg,
Staining my socks and white running shoes pink.

After my older brother gets back from school,
I ask him if I'm crazy.
He doesn't answer,
He just stares really quietly.

I eat dinner with my family
Because Mom cooked my favorite,
And go upstairs afterward,
Moving really slowly.

I grab a bottle of pills from the bathroom cabinet,
Take it to my room,
And dry swallow too many.

I am in bed by nine-thirty,
And asleep by ten,
And gone by ten-fifteen.