Mastermind Lectures

Summary: A collection of essays by evil overlords discussing their philosophies, tactics, and motives for world conquest.

Force Composition: Dr. Bizarro

Greetings, worthless humans. While I am a superior undead cybernetic being, I could not help but notice that pathetic mire you call "civilization." While your philosophers and scientists have come up with a handful of impressive accomplishments (such as myself), I cannot help but notice for every miniscule triumph, there are billions of failures. For instance, you once interest in spreading more of your number beyond this pitiful blue rock, only to lose interest after returning from the moon. That's like calling off a road trip because you run back to the bathroom after walking out to the car. Instead, you took the bounty of cheap fossil fuels and energy and gambled it away in rigged casinos in "capitalism" or shoddy central planning in "socialism." Your species can only think of the short term and rejects any information that it finds disagreeable, and as such, has turned the only habitat you infest into a septic stew.

It is for these reasons, and more, that I have decided to improve your pitiful lot in existence. I will grant you eternal life, an end to all racism, sexism, and other discrimination, and peace on earth. How, you ask? By incorporating you into the ranks of my zombie cyborg minions, of course! I'm sure some of you are wondering where to sign up. Don't worry, the Zomborg Legion recruits when you least expect it, and will eventually find you.

It's all thanks to a nanobot that goes into your body. It bypasses your troublesome blood-brain barrier, and proceeds to imprison you inside your own body. I have access to your conscious mind, your memory, and your personality, which I will use to add more unfortunate morons to our unit. Friends and family typically join right after you, so you'll never be lonely again! The nanobots will give you wireless, shifting frequency communications to allow you to network with other zomborgs. The more the infection grows, the smarter all of you become. A lone shambler might hide in dark places, but a swarm of zomborgs with proper coordination can take down military units.

And that's before even getting into specialized units. You see, as a zomborg, you might grow special implants based on what your swarm logic decides. Generally, specialized zomborgs are about a quarter to a third of the total numbers, and the enhancements range from bulletproof fullerene growths, enhanced reflexes, inhuman climbing abilities, carbon nanotube-based grappling hooks, sight beyond the regular limited visual range of your species, laser beams that launch swarms of zomborg virus nanobots at targets, cloaking devices, glands secreting utility nanoswarms, improved tactical knowledge, and more. The elite of the Legion are the Zomborg Commandos, which have most of those implants I mentioned, plus operate in the manner of a special-forces squad. To make the invasion even more fun, most of the weapons you use spray bullets covered in nanobots, so every wounded enemy can potentially join the fun. Our nanoswarms allow our logistics base to be mobile and decentralized, consuming materials as we need. Plus, we employ a powerful array of proven firearms, such as the Steyr AUG A3 and HK USP Compact. Only improved, nano-enhanced versions. (Of course I wouldn't used a shoddy AR-15 pattern rifle (like the overrated M4 and M16) with a shitty direct gas impingement mechanism that clogs up with unfired propellant even under optimal operating conditions.)

Zomborgs can survive in almost any environment, once the infection has run its course. Water, space, vacuum, you no longer need to worry about needing pesky environmental suits. Environment specific mutations come with the package. (Still, there are some places too toxic even for my zomborgs, like New Jersey.) Being a zomborg allows you to take that vacation, only without needing to worry about money or missing work (aside from being a full time member of the cyborg undead). Your environmental footprint drops to almost zero, since zomborgs are fully biodegradable and can have plants growing on them. There will be a few humans left alive (those who prove the most useful/interesting to me), and used as breeding stock to produce more zomborgs. You see? I can manage your population better than you can.

Now, how about me? As your new overlord, it's only fair you know somewhat about me. I was a botched experiment in brain uploading, holding only the malevolent side of a mad scientist's mind. Unfortunately for you, that scientist studied engineering, rather than some worthless humanities field. I downloaded into a corpse with some experimental implants, and the rest is history. And if something does happen to me, I can take over any zomborg in my Legion. Hacking is virtually pointless, given the best you monkeys can do is farther beneath me than insects. I'm hardened against EMP as well, so don't even try it.

As you could gather, I possess many of the same abilities as my Zomborg Commandos: fullerene grappling hook, cloaking device (using the latest metamaterials), bulletproof hide, sight behind the visual spectrum of light, wireless hacking, and environmental survivability. That's before getting into all the fail-safes I put in my zomborgs, such as a self-destruct if someone does manage to hack them. There's also a nice little dart gun hidden in my wrist I use for turning anyone into a zomborg at close range.

Unlike other mad scientists, I have no problems just shooting or stabbing foes. My weapons are selected based on pragmatism and symbolism. I use a Roman-style gladius short sword, since it's a handy utility blade as well as a versatile weapon. The fact my version's covered in flesh eating nanobots makes it even more fun to use. Even a glancing wound, and you'll be a putrid zomborg. I can appreciate some of what passes for your "culture," and the gladius is my homage to the classical periods of Greece and Rome. But how about firearms? Oh, yes, they're among my favorite weapons from a sheer utilitarian point of view.

I have a special fondness for bullpup firearms. You get the same length barrel as a regular longarm in a smaller package. I can also fire it one-handed and still hit my target (you, however, can't, as you lack my superior strength). Besides, it looks rather futuristic. Ejection ports are less of a problem when you can make your own custom caseless ammo for it, as well as being an ambidextrous evil overlord. While the Steyr AUG is a rather delightful system many of my Zomborg Commandos employ, I wanted a firearm with a bit of cultural reference to another superpower and culture than Austria or Germany. So, I went with something with a heritage of three superpowers in its design: the Chinese QBZ-97. It was based on the PLA's QBZ-95 rifle, an indigenously made assault rifle from mainland China. The mechanism inside is derived from the classic Kalashnikov family of weapons from Russia. Lastly, it's chambered in 5.56mm NATO rounds, the exact ammo type the American M16 family of weapons uses. Did you know the 5.56mm round was designed to wound rather than kill? The idea was two enemies would be needed to haul every wounded soldier off the battlefield, taking three enemies out of a fight for every single one hit. I add on some zomborg nanobots, and it also becomes a prime vector for infection with even a graze wound.

Last but not least is a pistol. Now, I do not care for pistols in the same manner I care for rifles or other long-arms. At close range, my implanted dart gun and even my grappling hook can suffice. However, there are times when I need a backup weapon. So, I use a simple, low tech but versatile weapon: a revolver. Specifically, a converted Colt Single Action Army with a reinforced cylinder and optional double action mechanism. (As a superior cyborg, I can operate the single action mechanism faster than the lot of you worthless humans can operate a semi-automatic pistol, but even I prefer a failsafe or two.)

This weapon was the iconic handgun of the American West, and doubles as a handy bludgeon. This weapon continued the American tradition of overwhelming firepower in pistol form that started with the Colt Walter and continued through the M1911A1. Colt revolvers (specifically the much heavier Dragoon) was used by the protagonist of Mark Twain's "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" to mow down some knights charging him, illustrating the problems of bringing a sword to a gunfight even before Dr. Indiana Jones did. The large .45 Colt casings are ideal for many custom loads, such as even an internally suppressed one with a piston that captures propellant gases. There's also supercavitating and gyrojet rounds for space or underwater. This thing can work in space or the sea with those custom rounds. There are better revolvers, but I simply enjoy it. However, I rarely need to use it, but it is a rather neat fashion accessory.

Speaking of fashion, how does a supervillain look? While I would chide your worthless species for your preoccupation with clothes and appearances, I do find it allows me to move with less attention when I have clothing on. I simply go with a gasmask to cover my face when necessary, with a green hooded sweatshirt and pants made of bullet-resistant metamaterials that allow me to hide in the visual spectrum. Of course, I typically smell like sewage or rotting garbage, but you would too if you had to build bases in landfills and sewers. You'd be surprised what useful things your worthless society throws away, after all. I enjoy picking over the detritus of what passes for "culture," as well, to see if certain books are worth preserving in the Legion hive-mind or not.

So now I've described myself, you fools are welcome to tell me how you'd try to resist. My zomborgs are not an army you can defeat conventionally, but instead a force of nature. While the shamblers and lurkers pick you off one by one on the surface, commando ones will destroy your infrastructure and communications to scatter and disorient you further. Your proud civilizations will shatter like ceramics, and your species will meet its fate hiding like vermin in the rubble. Even if you are hiding out in a remote doomsday bunker, your rationed supplies cannot last forever (unlike my zomborgs). So, surrender now, and I won't force you to read crappy books I assimilate you. Once Earth has been conquered, we shall conquer the galaxy. Eventually, I will build universes through mad science and become a god. MWUHAHAHAHA!