Punching my bed

Silently screaming

I burry my head

Refusing to let out

The tears that our streaming

The cuts fresh and new

Seduce me to add a few

More,

Let the anger out

Let it pour.

But that promise that

I made,

It's a promise I won't again break

No matter how bad my hands shake

And my hands ache.

No matter what I do

There is no pleasing you!

No amount of

"I love you"

Will ever convince you

That it's the truth.

Even after all I do,

You think it's simply

Because I have to,

Well what do you want me to say?

You think I enjoy doing this every day?

I do because I love you,

I stand here because you have to

And I won't leave you here alone

Not because I feel obligated to keep

Doing this on my own.

I do it because I care

But you're to dang stubborn

To see I choose to be here.

Cancer doesn't just destroy your body

It's taking over every little part of you

And it's destroying me.

You're not you,

You're not my mother,

She'd never say things like this

That I'm worthless

That I'm selfish

That I don't love her,

She can't be you.

I don't know who this is,

But you're not her,

You're doing things

She'd never do.

She is crazy,

But sweet and kind

And gentle and

It breaks me apart to think

That Cancer has destroyed what

Was mine.

This monster in me is hard

Enough to fight

Without the plague of it

Attacking with all its might,

I'm not strong enough to win this fight!

I'm out here alone,

Fighting in a war zone,

No shelter no home,

Just me and my beast,

Fighting for a memory

Of my Mommy.

Trying so hard to keep

My own monster cadged

Because if it's unleashed

It's only a matter of moments

Before there is blood in my drain.

But the monster I will restrain

Because I made a promise of this,

A promise to a friend,

And it's one I will not break again.

So tonight, I punch my bed

And silently scream

And refuse to cry,

The Cancer storms in

And demands to know WHY

I don't love her,

And why I don't do what I do

Out of love,

Even though if it isn't love

Well, I don't know why I would.

She rips out my heart,

And storms back

The Cancer says the most hurtful things

But the cuts on the writs

Remind me of two things,

One there on the wrist I write with

Such an ironic thing,

Bleed out in words,

Two, a promise to

Find a way better to deal

With all this.