I never thought that I would know what love is. I'd always been an outcast, a loner, never visible to society yet always present. Always part of the background an extra in the play of life. I knew my place and I knew where the boundaries used to lie.
Though they say they say that while planning your future life steps ahead and goes ahead and plans it for you. That's what happened to me.
I never dreamed that I would be noticed, found. I'd always thought that I was meant to be alone that, that was my destiny. For a moment, a few brief heavenly moments I thought that I was wrong. I had found where I belonged, to whom I belonged. Someone to complete a missing piece of a puzzle I never knew I possessed. Was I wrong to want this feeling to last forever?
Did I not deserve to feel needed, cherished noticed? I know that for the rest of my common, human existence that I would never fell like this ever again. Having the feeling of walking on clouds, a heart so full of joy and light that it feels unnatural, to be anything else but optimistically ecstatic.
The first time I saw your face, the first time I met you. You were the only one who saw me for what I truly was. No, we may not have fallen in love at first sight. No, we may not have heard fireworks in the background when we first kissed. No, our first date may not have been anything but perfect… but our relationship may have very well been close to perfect.
You cared, truly, deeply, from the very first moment. You listened, like no one else had before. You waited for me patiently, silently, encouragingly when you knew I wasn't ready. You didn't care what your friends said, when they told you to leave me. You didn't care when they told you I was too naïve and innocent to be with you. That I wasn't your type and you'd lose interest in me before anything would get serious.
We proved all of them wrong though. We lasted, stuck through all the criticism and all the negativity around us. We made it. Not to prove them wrong, oh that was a bonus. To see the look on their faces was just the cherry on the cake, but we made it for ourselves, because we could.
Maybe we were too strong. Too sure of ourselves and the relationship we had. Maybe it was just karma, and as all things have their good and the bad, we had to have it too. Except why? Why did we have to be the exception, not having the good and the bad but having instead a glimpse of heaven and then a lifetime of hell on Earth?
Maybe it was punishment for a previous life. It had to have been fate; a cruel joke played by powers higher then the both of us.
Agony had never been so beautiful, poetic almost before this.
I would rather have been a shadow once more, rather have been ignored by everyone including you just to stop what had happened. I would give anything in the world, even my own life just to have yours again, once more on this Earth.
So that's why.
Glass shards surrounding our bodies, like a crystal tribute. Half-unconscious, barely aware of what reality is, I regret nothing except losing you.
Maybe it's retribution for what I am?
As your blood mingles with mine, soaking into the tar. As sirens blaze the streets alight with their song. As I resist the urge to close my eyes.
I'm not afraid for myself; death no longer has a meaning for me.
I'm afraid of losing you.
The last thing I will ever see is your face. Smeared in blood, cuts raining over your face and your hair matted in your own blood. It's amazing; I've never ever seen you look this serene before. I want to get up and hold you, but I myself am restrained by pieces of metal, trapping me, pinning me down.
Tears are not enough, remorse is not enough.
The curtain closes down upon us. The fat lady has already sung the performance of a lifetime and now it's time too say goodbye. There will be no curtain call for us. No repeat performance. This was an once-in-a-lifetime show and now it ends.
My only comfort is that I will go with you. We will hold hands and bow for the audience together. My last thought as my life drains away, is that at least you can't feel the pain. At least I got to spend the little time that we had together with you, and that even if heaven doesn't want me. I t doesn't matter, because being on Earth with you was heaven enough. I need no more.
Goodbye, my one, my only. Tomorrow will never come, I will never see your face again nor will I feel your touch on my skin, your voice waking me in the morning and never again will I be lost in the depths of your eyes, for never again will I see them.
As the blood drenches our clothes and the light reflects across the broken glass, I close my eyes for the last time and let fate claim me for its own…
On a happier note
I dedicate this to the girls of St John's D.S.G