Hey-o! It's been a while since I've done any form of creative writing, so I had a lot of fun writing this semi-creative essay! It's for my english portfolio, so feel free to critique as you feel fit, and I hope my fellow Thespians enjoy. =)
How to Survive the Thespian Apocalypse
It's a beautiful Saturday morning and you've just awoken from your beautiful Saturday slumber. The sun has come up and there's not a cloud in the sky, a guarantee that it's going to be a great day. All of a sudden, your peace is shattered by the obnoxious singing (shouting) of "JUST A CITY BOY! BORN AND RAISED IN SOUTH DETROIT!" There must be hundreds, no, thousands of voices belting this song. What on earth could be causing such a ruckus? In curiosity and fear, you whip off your blankets and rush to your window, throwing back the curtains to reveal one of the most frightening sights you've ever seen making its way down the peaceful streets of your town: a troupe of Thespians.
You'd heard the rumors that something disastrous was to happen in the year 2012, but you had no idea it would be this terrible. Who could have guessed that a gaggle of rainbow-loving, beret wearing actors and techies would take over the world? They've already turned all of your neighbors into show tune-singing extroverts, and there's no doubt that they'll soon try to induct you into their little International Thespian Society as well. This can't happen. You're not going to just lay down your arms and give up the fight! No, sir—you're going to survive the Thespian Apocalypse. Actually, it's really not that hard to do. All you must do is remember these helpful safety tips.
The easiest way to keep yourself ITS free, is obvious: stay away from Thespians. The first precaution you want to take is to avoid any and all Denny's restaurants. Thespians flock to these diners. Not only do they supply ample room for an entire cast and crew to be as obnoxious as possible, but times is hard and Thespians just can't get enough of Denny's $2 pancakes. This next step involves your parents. Whatever you do, do not let your mom and/or dad get into a conversation with a Thespian. Theatre kids tend to possess a certain maturity and intelligence that parents find irresistible. These demons will charm them with a smile, working their way over to your house for free dinner. And once they've found a place for free dinner, you might as well hand in your ten Thespian Points at the door. The final, most important rule of avoidance should not be taken lightly. If you are ever invited to play a game of "Ride that Pony", always say no. That game never ends. Ever. Sure, it looks like loads of fun: there's singing, dancing, a circle—circles are always fun, right? Wrong. Once you get into this circle there is no getting out. The game just repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats...until eventually you pass out from exhaustion.
Sometimes evasion just won't be possible and you'll have to be out and about with these creatures from the Black Box. In scenes such as this you must alter your habits to blend in with your rainbow surroundings: pretend to be part of their world. First you must look the part, which shouldn't be too difficult. Just find yourself a show shirt and a fashionable scarf. A homemade beret wouldn't hurt either. With these threads, you're sure to pass right under their radar (about seventy-eight percent of the time). Next you must learn to speak their language. Or at least, their dialect. If a Thespian should approach you and offer a friendly hello, just say hello back with an accent. It is common in the theatre world to speak with a variety of accents for no apparent reason. The best part is that you can try any accent you want—anything goes! You would also do well to brush up on your dance moves. If "The Time Warp" randomly plays over the speakers at Burger King, you better know that it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-ane. 'Cause if you don't, well, it'll suck to be you.
So there you have it: the most important things you must know in order to survive the Thespian Apocalypse. There's probably a lot more information you could benefit from (Thespian-proofing your house, dominating them with the Spirit Stick, knowing all there is to know about Doctor Who) but we don't have time for all that jazz. So when you hear the Thespians sing, just remember to keep away, and when you can't keep away, just act well the Thespian part and you'll go unharmed. So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, and good luck!