"The Great American Consumer Protection Investigators" by Serbian Dragon, November 2012

Disclaimer: All characters presented here are product of fiction. Any resemblances to real characters are of a pure coincidence. No intention was made to insult anyone for any reason.

AN: This story is an act of fiction. No one should attempt to act in the same manner as described.

AN2: None.

Summary: The nightly news, local newspapers and blogosphere are full of reports of bed bug infestations. Numerous websites dedicate themselves to pinpointing the latest infestation sites and warning buyers and renters to steer clear. Luxury hotels have been sued by irate guests. Bed bugs have been reported in the tony co-ops of the rich and famous, in fashionable condominiums, in luxury apartments, in college dorms and in upscale suburban homes.

The Great American Consumer Protection Investigators

During one of the autumn auctions which featured numerous highlights in the categories of Old Master Paintings, 19th Century Paintings and Works of Art Eva Tailer and Aaron Shmutzewitz were making a whispering conversation.

"Have you heard of Bloomsberry Auctions perhaps?" Eva had a menstrual and Aaron sniffed it, enjoying and imagining doing it with her.

"No. I am afraid I did not. What is it about?"

"Oh … old books usually ..."

They had to keep quiet since someone noticed them.

"Do you go to any other auctions apart from the oil on canvas paintings?"

"Oh, sure …", Eva giggled politely, noticing that Aaron was licking his lips smelling her womanhood odors, "… I also indulge myself with stamp, paper money and furniture auctions as well …"

During a short intermission Eva and Aaron approached their acquaintances, Anne Stone and Clara Madeline.

"Hi Anne!" Eva kissed both cheeks. Aaron's appetite rose up, imagining doing it with Anne as well. Clara was ugly so he did not bother imagining it. She would give herself for free to some rich scoundrel. "Hi Clara." She only shook hands with Clara. Aaron did the same. Apart from kissing of course since it would look rude and inappropriate and they would probably falsely accuse him of being a pervert and a sexual maniac as well.

"So … what's up in your lives?" Eva clasped hands like Queen Elizabeth and grinned at them.

"Have you heard that the complaints about bedbugs have risen sharply over the last few years in New York?"

"No …", Eva played her part, acting like an innocent child in distress, looking at Aaron for support. Aaron found it an unusual way to coquette with an experienced macho guy like him so he sniffed the air searching for more of Eva's blood smell and then snorted as he found none remaining. "I don't think I did … Aaron?"

Aaron wished to say how gorgeous tits Anne had, but restrained and offered a plastic smile instead.


"Yes. At least it's according to city officials …", Anne nodded couple of times, examining them. "And no neighborhood in the city has been spared." She placed a hand on Eva arm as if wishing to infect her with something and Eva giggled modestly.

"Is it any dangerous though? Aaron pushed forward, enjoying her sexual foreplay.

"While the pests do not pose a dangerous health risk …", Clara intoned in some important manner, making grimaces like a disadvantaged one in puberty, "… they inflict considerable psychological distress on their unwilling hosts."

"Un-willing!" Aaron repeated as his eyes flashed with some significant light. 'She must like it sado-mazo with handcuffs and all …', Aaron's mind mused on.

"Moreover …", Clara placed a hand on Aaron's arm and he wished she grabbed his python straight away, being proud of his heritage, "… the uninvited guests can be excruciatingly difficult and costly to evict." 'My, my … a nymphomaniac!', Aaron's mind went on a sexual rampage.

"According to the law, sellers and their brokers must acknowledge a problem if asked."

"Really?" Eva wished to scratch her vagina, but found it rather inappropriate since everyone disliked her anyway.

"Yes!" Anne's eyes glistened with some friendly illumination. "But conflicts of interest aside …", she giggled, grabbing Eva's arm for support as if wishing to pee in her underwear, "… neither can be expected to know whether an infestation exists elsewhere in the building."

"Poor devils …" Aaron guffawed, imagining Anne with a costume of a devil and a whip in her hand.

"In fact …", Clara continued, still resembling those with sporadic bile droppings, "… The problem is so pervasive that some lawyers have begun incorporating sellers' representations about bedbugs into sales contracts, adding to now-standard ones about leaks, mold and noise issues." Aaron waved towards some important men thinking that he was important as well. They did not notice him, making him look ridiculous among other women that could still be used for some jolly bed-time action. "And … buyers are having to determine if the pests are a deal-breaker or just one more headache on the road to a new home."

"My, my …", Eva went on imitating the British Queen unconsciously.

They listened as someone announced the begging of the second bidding.

"Have you heard that about nine thousand work-release inmates in New York county prisons are being sent home for three days because bedbugs have taken over the facility's trailer-type housing?"

"No …", Eva lowered her chin looking at Aaron and he immediately imagined her grabbing his hard one and sucking it like a lollipop. He sometimes wondered whether girls could "see" those pervert thinking in men …

"And …", Anne placed hand on Eva's arm the nth time, "… This isn't the first time bedbugs have overrun a prison, mind you …"

We couldn't invite friends (over)," she said. "We had to be cautious not to carry the little ' hitchhikers' to other homes. My daughter's family, who came to Columbus at Christmas, had to stay with friends instead of with us. Our housekeeper quit at a time I needed help, and we couldn't speak freely about the bugs except to a few because they would be horrified

Because bedbugs are small and skilled at hiding, searchers must diligently scour every potential hiding place — especially their favorite haunts of fabric, wood and paper.

You can't imagine after working all day and then not being able to go to sleep," he said. " Those bastards would wake me up every night between 2:30 and 4. I'd feel them crawling over me and reached over and get the duct tape and smash them

Take the money from the ATM cash dispenser.

There are three commonly used ways of withdrawing cash from a bank account: using an automated teller machine (ATM), getting cash back at a store, and doing it in a bank with a teller. One very popular way is using an ATM because these machines are located all over many countries and usually have short or no lines.


Eva Talel

Aaron Shmulewitz

Anne Stone

Klara Madlin

Eric Gonchar

Joe Schwartz