A phone call that just happened between my boyfriend and me….just 20 minutes ago.
Me-"It's not like I was going to see your dad later anyway."
Him-"I did really want you to meet him. That's why I was upset earlier, that and the other thing. I was going to talk to you about it but my phone died."
Me-"I called twice."
Him-"Yea, I was going to take it before I left but it wasn't done yet."
Me-"Ok, that's nice."
Him-"I kind of have to get ready for football now."
Him-"Do you want to talk later?"
Him-"Don't say that! I'll call you later ok?"
Him-"Do you not want to talk later? I want to talk to you later."
Me-"Get ready for practice."
This proves how mean I can be. This proves something must have happened to make me get to this point. What made me get here? What made me so heartless? What made me so heartless where I can be this mean to the ones that love me? I know he's trying. I know he's hurt too. Yet, I can just be this mean to him. I haven't cried in years, until today. I finally broke down. Yet, nobody seems to notice. My mom goes about her business, self-indulging and worrying about her, alongside her boyfriend. My grandparents today are nowhere to be found along with the rest of my family. All my friends are too busy for me.
I can't go to his football game, to prove to him that everything might be ok in the end, but he did nothing today to make me feel reassured. So why would I be stupid enough to make him feel ok? Why would I do that? Maybe because I know he would do the same for me. Maybe it's because I do love him, even though I make him go to far and great lengths to prove that to me. Why do I do that to him? He never makes me do that.
A better question is why did I put myself in this situation? It took years for me to get here, but I'm here. I'm to the point where my life has gotten so complicated it just makes me want to scream. I guess I could've avoided half of it, if I wasn't so naive or stupid. Maybe if I just didn't keep certain things inside me I wouldn't be this way. Maybe if certain things didn't happen like him almost kissing his wrestling partner I wouldn't be like this. Maybe if I could also keep my mouth shut in certain situations I wouldn't have these problems.
If only I could learn my lesson. If only I could stop over-thinking. If only I could stop over-analyzing. If only I could tell him how I feel without hurting him, without making him feel terrible. I don't mean to hurt him, but that's all I seem to do. Maybe he'd be better off without having me around, so I could stop hurting him, so he can stop hurting me, so we can stop hurting each other…but is that really the best solution? Or is that our only solution?