this girl doesn't want to be a story told to wide-eyed students, a warning about the treasure of life, someone who no longer exists in any way that matters.

this girl wants to live to be old and ugly, this girl wants to die tragically still young and full of optimism

every sci-fi show she's ever loved has taught her that everything happens. a bird dies and elsewhere flies away unharmed. this girl perishes at age ten from a head slammed into ice, this girl survives to cry over a failing life.

once upon a time this girl loved math, loved that it went so clear through her head and left her beaming and proud and talking like a big-shot genius. she loved that the numbers were inherently honest, that they followed set rules and didn't bullshit you. they sang and danced through her mind and she welcomed them wide-eyed. but one day the numbers started to groan and drag their feet, they became complicated, there were too many exceptions to too many rules and the advanced class left this girl behind but it's becoming so hard for her to care and who has time for math anyway when there are other worries eating at your brain and your heart and your skin?

this girl's wrists are spotted with butterflies, replacing less pleasant pictures she longs to etch into her bones. people ooh and aah in the halls, blind to any negative implications. she wears a yellow ribbon on her shirt, prays no one will ask.

this girl doesn't understand how people laughwhisper at times like this. is there no respect left?

this girl sits silent in catechism class and wonders when her classmates got so stupid and so naive. she stays silent for fear of being sent from the room. views like hers are not appreciated in this particular house of God.

this girl prays each night for strength, Godgrantmetheserenitytoaccep tthethingsicannotchange, and she knows that God is not listening, for he is busy with more important tragedies than hers. This girl knows that God is all seeing and all knowing but not almighty, for if he were, there would be such less suffering. She knows that his love is great but there is only so much he can do against man's evils. he needs a vacation, she thinks. day spa with yummy facials.

this girl draws whisperthin lines of blood, makes a face on the bathroom floor. blood in the cracks, blood on the drain, make a face haha, blood in her clothes and she loves cleaning then, the clorox turns white on contact and makes her sins disappear. goes to sleep early on nights when she has nothing else to help make her forget.

and forget, she forgets. forgets to eat and work and care. this girl is expert at forgetting- homework, responsibilities, names. but this girl also things she remembers too much, far too much.

this girl doesn't want to die.

this girl wants to sleep happy and dream of girls with strong hands and soft lips and aced math tests and well-braided hair

and just not

wake up


odd, i know. reviews are appreciated. ~