Based on my life. Read, leave suggestions, whatever, I just need to get this off my chest. Just so you all know, I'm a girl, I just use the pen name Steve because of Steve from Blue's Clues. In this story though, I changed it to Stephanie. The people in this are real, I just changed their names. I'll update whenever I can, even if it takes a week, just don't give up on me!

This chapter is basically a summary of my life. It's not very organized, but then again, neither am I. I was gonna post this yesterday, but ran out of time :/

P.S.: If you think you know who I am in real life, please contact me immediately. Thanks :)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

My name is Stephanie. You can call me Steph. I am 14 years old, and a freshman in high school. I have blonde hair, blue/green eyes (not really sure), I weigh 107 pounds and am 5 foot 7 inches tall. Many think I'm anorexic because I'm so skinny, but I'm not. I eat like a pig, but because I'm so active, I just "burn off all the fat, and then some" (according to my friend Marcy). I have two brothers: Chad (older) and Andrew (younger). I am a middle child, and the only girl. My dog died on January 4th of this year. I know, that was months ago, but it still hurts to think of her. Her name was Dusty, because she liked to lick the floor for some reason.

Chad plays sports all year around: cross country (XC), winter track, and spring track. Running is his life. He's a senoir in high school, and refuses to give me a ride to and from school, leaving to ride the bus with strangers who I have no intention of talking to. He's so obssessed about running, always lookin up stats and stuff for other runners in the country he might possibly be up against one day. Andrew plays baseball all year, except winter is basketball season. He's obssessed with video games so much I hoestly think he might die without them. Actually, he's playing Rock Band as I type this. I used to be a cheerleader, but now I do XC, along with basketball and softball. XC season just ended, basketball tryouts are on Monday (yeah... not really ready for that...).

I'm just gonna come out and say it: I'm depressed. I want to talk to someone about it, but no one I know would understand. My parents haven't noticed how I sit on my laptop all day, or how I've become increasingly less quiet. My brothers don't even care about me, so of course they didn't notice. In school, I used to be loud and out-going and extremly random, but now I mostly sit around drawing the ninja from Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu (my favorite show), and I don't talk nearly as much as I used to. Yet no one has said anything about it. They just carry on with their lives like I'm my normal self.

But I'm not.

I think it all started when I started watching Ninjago. One of the ninja (the red fire ninja - Kai) stood out to me, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. Not like the celebrity-crush kind of love, but real, true love. But I know I can't have him; he's a freakin Lego person. This makes me really upset, because no one in real life is or can be anything like him. And it just makes me feel... unloved. But for some reason, drawing the ninja or watching Ninjago or even writing/reading fanfiction stories about the show makes me feel like my old self again. I actually feel happy - but not for long.

I get these ranom headaches, and these weird pains from the inside... I say that because it feels like something inside me dies sometimes. It's not like someone-just-kicked-me-in-the-chest kind of pain... I don't really know how to explain it. Then there's the fatigue. Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning. In class, I almost got in trouble three times in the past two weeks because I almost fell asleep - and I NEVER fall asleep during the day, not even after staying up until 2:30 AM then waking up at 6 AM. Sometimes I want to cry, but the tears just won't come. It's times like that that I want to curl up and die (No, don't worry I'm not suicidal. I don't have the gusts to even hold a weapon, nevermind actually doing anything with it).

So there's this guy in my English class, his name is name is Jake. He's one of those guys who's annoying, and everyone teases him. My friends and I hang with him, and we CONSTANTLY get into fights. And somehow I find him attractive. But whenever I start thinking like that, I then think: Ew, It's Jake you're talking about! But like the old saying, "opposites attract"... Anyway, there's also this guy Alex, who I've had a crush on since the end of 8th grade. He doesn't know that, though, and we're the best of friends. I really wish he would just ask me out already...

On Monday, two friends and I started this "being nice" contest, since we tend to be not the nicest of people. Of course, Jake was there, and immediately started throwing insults at me - not the other two, just me. I know he was only doing it to make me lose and he didn't really mean it, but why me? That's what really hurt. Then Tuesday morning, I purposely avoided him, because if he tried insulting me again, I knew I was gonna cry. So I was standing in the halls with my friends Lily, Madison, Sonya and Reanne, when Alex walked over. I waved at him, one of those crazy wild waves that he always responds to, and he totally blew me off. Instead, he started talking to Sonya. I know, it's a little thing, but I'm tired of everyone ignoring me. So I turned to my group, said, "Ok, I can't do this. See ya later," and walked away. No one said anything.

After school, I ran into my friend Lyndsey. She knows all my secrets anyway, so I decided to tell her about how I thought I might be depressed. She told me that maybe I'm bipolar, because sometimes I'm really hyper and others I'm, well, depressed. I went online and looked up one of those tests (yeah, I know, lame) for being bipolar. Here's the results:

22 or more A score of 22 or more, together with episodes of clinical depression, suggests possible bipolar I or II disorder and would warrant detailed clinical assessment.

less than 22 A score of less than 22 is only returned by about 2% of those with true bipolar disorder, so that if your score was less than 22, the likelihood of you having the condition is low - but cannot be excluded.

I got an 8. Then I took a depression test:

0-9 Depression unlikely

10-17 Possibly minor depression

18-21 On the verge of depression

22-35 Minor to moderate depression

36-53 Moderate to severe depression

54+ Severe depression

Here, I got a 39. Yeah... I think I really am depressed. I know, a silly online test shouldn't determine who you are, but this one is pretty goddamn close to my actual life.

Thanks for reading,

The Amazing Steve