So originally this was for my eyes only but then I remembered something my therapist told me. He said that I had the potential to help so many other like me on how to deal with depression, social anxiety etc... So this is my way in helping. I want you to understand that this right here isn't going to be about me and my personal problems (well technically speaking it is). This is about dealing with horrifying truths of reality and that maybe by doing this I am helping some way. I'm not going to write about my every menial problems. In here you'll read days where I am extremely filled with absolute giddiness to near suicidal thoughts. But let be said I am that I value self-perservence! I hope to help those like me NOT become another statistic. Know this gender does not matter here, because it can happen to anyone.
25 November 2012
I'm writing this in hopes that it will help me "cope". I don't know if I'll continue this. According to my long search of finding what the hell is wrong with me via internet I've discovered many things in which I fear has brought me to self awareness. I love – no, I don't understand that term very much. Well, not anymore. Love seems so superficial, so fake and unreal even in families. But I digress, in this self awareness I've discovered nightmarish truths that left me realizing that those dreams were perverted memories of my past. I have been emotionally abused, (minor if there is such a thing) physical abuse, and sexually abused. These truths have left me in my nineteen years of age as a detached and broken spirited girl. I don't see my self as a woman – no, I still see my self as girl because to say I am a woman is to say that I am accepting adulthood and I'm just not ready for that.
My therapist seems to think that I have spirit. I don't. I have dreams, dreams that seem so far away. So out of reach that I find myself wondering, where the hell I am. I can smile in front of people but the moment I am away the smile fade into a deadpan look becomes my default expression. I can say I understand human interaction from a distant but if I try interaction it crashes down and becomes chaotic in my mind and I sound stupid in front of people. I can't stand sounding stupid. I hate stupid people, but I pretend to be the stupid one. I want so badly to be oblivious one again…but my eyes are open and I see all.
I want so badly to end this, wouldn't it be nice to simply close my eyes and never wake up again.
There are times when everything seems just so overwhelming difficult that I just want to scream and give up and say, "to hell with it!" But I can't, something tells me "No, there's reason. There's a reason for my suffering. There just has to be." I want to cry, at time but I know that if I do that I am weak. My parents have this philosophy that if your depressed then your not working hard enough because there is no reason to be depressed life is the way it is – to paraphrase it nicely. I feel horrible, so dreadfully horrible right now but I know that tomorrow it might be alright, it might be another horrible day – hell it might even be in the gray area and that it was keeps me going. Because one day I'll wake up smiling and say, "I beat you!"
There's this pessimistic side of me that say that won't ever happen, and everyday I keep going with that though hovering over my head threatening slice by head off like the French guillotine.
So this is me saying good-bye and goodnight.