I'm not going to throw excuses and say this and that got in way because the truth is I didn't want to continue this. But I still did I have papers written down of random days that I never got around to finishing. I'm not going to post them though. It would seem fake and superficial to me. I'll warn you before hand, the contents that lay ahead might make you feel uncomfortable but it gets better. I'm not going to apologize for my words but I will apologize if any way or form I have hit too close to home and made you feel uncomfortable. I know how that feels.
BTW, Happy Belated New Years! 2013, let's make the best of it!
14 January 2013
It's hard to keep this up; I'm exposing and baring my soul for complete strangers. Lloyd Richards once said, "Honesty and truth are hard. Truth is clean, but it's hard..." Sometimes I'm scared as write this whether someone actually believes what I'm writing down is true or just a cry for attention by some needy selfish person. I'm not afraid to admit that I am selfish because I know I'm selfish, I acknowledge that part of me but this is something I would never do because I know that this isn't something to joke about or be callous about. There are people out there that are alone or feel alone in the world. I can't expect people to believe and I don't. I'm avoiding, part of me doesn't want to continue any longer. I don't want to continue therapy any longer either. The things I once passed off as childish memories are becoming darker. Those games…I'm fucked up. I fucker up begin time. I want to go back in time to stop everything from happening. I wish I was bigger snitch then I once was so maybe I could have prevented some of the trauma.
I was always told don't be a snitch. But dammit all, I wish they hadn't implanted that thought in my head. I'm so disgusted with myself. I hate the tingles I get in my body that remind me of the fact that my body actually craves wanting to have sex when mentally I don't want it. It's something I don't want to experience. I don't want to be noticed. I want to scream at anyone that shows interest in me to fuck off. But I can't because I have this deep abiding fear of these people don't show interest. I'm scared of them; I feel my heart pound so loudly in ears when I have to deal with the opposite gender.
I don't trust them.
I don't trust my older brother even though I know he's sorry for trying to experiment with me. I hate myself for allowing it to happen because I knew it was wrong, I'd experienced that shit that the other monster…yet I allowed it to happen again. I'm so stupid! It was very asinine of me to do so.
I don't trust myself either.
I isolate myself from my family because I fear myself and I fear my family. My family although is not perfect is best thing that I have in life. They love me and care for me, I understand that. The feeling however for me is not mutual. If something bad where to happen I don't think I'll feel anything – except maybe younger brother who is the most precious person in my life. I keep him at a distance.
I'm afraid to post this because of how people might interpret me. There is a fine line I would never dare cross, I will kill myself before I ever dare cross it because for me to transfer that horror, that trauma onto someone else means to me that I am not worth living. I'm not worth it, not at all.
I want to get away from my family as far as possible, I hear my parents talking so I'm afraid to move away now. I know my parents love us and have learned from the mistakes of our pasts. They have made precautions, made us more aware of what is proper in sibling interactions and what is wrong. I want to protect my little brother at all costs. My mother says family is family, not matter if you're half-siblings or not. Blood is thicker than water. I, however hold a firm belief that people like that doesn't change. I've told my mother that I don't trust that bastard, never will. The drugs twisted his mind; much like they are twisting my sisters (I see the cuts). I tell my mother who was young and naïve when it began to occur. She didn't know any better; I know how it was like growing up where she did. She was barely in her twenties. She had been made a mother too soon. She has never forgiven herself for what I happened, but I forgive because I understand. I understand. I'm not making excuses for her because she didn't know what was happening. It haunts I think, she's told me so. She thinks she's a failure as a mother. I don't think so. She tried and did her best with what she had, she attended programs that showed her how to cook and take care of her children because she didn't know.
She's the best mother in the world in my opinion, she could have twisted her children's mind and been a bitter mother who hated her children with what she's been through but she wasn't. When I tell my mother that I don't trust this person she listens and has a sharper eye on that person. My mom doesn't want him living with us, and she'll keep that bastard way from us even if she says family is family. And so will my brother and sister.
Today, my sister washed our dogs. I said it playfully when I mentioned my displeasure at seeing what I did but if anything I wanted to break down and cry when she laughed it off, pretending it was nothing while she hid the cut on her wrist away. I want to help but she claim she doesn't need help just like she claims she isn't a borderline alcoholic.
I happy with what I've done with my life, in nine months I will be twenty or the 'double digits' as my brother fondly calls them and in which I refer to as the second decade living and surviving. I find this as an accomplishment. I'm not dead ( and no, I don't mean that as a joke). I have contemplated death too many times to count, almost did it at least five times but I didn't. That's something I find myself both proud and sad about because one I actually was in the processes of committing suicide and second I stopped myself with the thought of it's going to get better. And it does get better, as cheesy as it sounds it does get better. I might have sounded completely depressed but I'm not. I find it better not to dwell in the best but that's not exactly healthy because then your pretending it never happened and you're not dealing with it. I'm dealing with it. These words that I write (or rather type) help heal my soul every time. There is always that deep abiding fear in me that I might do it one day but I find it every year that fear isn't as strong as the year before.
I happy to say that I am working into achieving my dream, this dream I hold so dear is nearly as old as I am! I've doubted myself sure but I never truly strayed out of it because even when I am unsure of abilities I still strive to work on it even as I doubt myself. One day I will be someone that has accomplished many a great things! I cannot wait until those in the profession I've chosen say wow, that person is something else.
Like Zira from Lion King: Simba's Pride said, "I dream a dream so pretty that I don't feel so depressed."
So on that somewhat cheesy line, I think I'm done. Hopefully I don't convey people with the wrong message in this post. I don't mean to depress people with this shit but inspire them to strive to be something better. Something that is worth living, because I truly mean it when I say it will get better.
I think I'll end this with another quote I've already quoted two other lines, why not.
When I first heard these lines and watched the actor spew these words out, I thought wow. It hit hard, right at home and made feel I don't know how to put in words. I would say inspired but those aren't the right words. I'll let you figure out who it was, so here it is:
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Coward do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"