PROLOGUE

Bud is sitting on the couch watching TV. Al comes in, slams the door shut and hangs his jacket.

AL: I hate my life and want to die.

BUD: Dad, Kurt Cobain already said that.

AL: No son, he said: "I hate myself and want to die", and I am the one person in this house that I don't hate.

He sits on the couch next to Bud.

AL: By the way, you know what's red and has more brain than Kurt Cobain?

BUD: What?

AL: The wall behind him!

He points an imaginary gun to his mouth and shoots. They laugh. Kelly comes down the stairs.

BUD: [quietly to Al] Speaking of people with less brain than a wall...

KELLY: I heard that, do-it-yourself boy.

She also sits on the couch.

BUD: Face it Kel, you're the dumbest girl on Earth. Heck, you're probably the dumbest girl in the galaxy.

KELLY: Am not!

BUD: Are too!

KELLY: Am not!

BUD: Are too!

AL: Will the two of you shut the hell up before I decide to follow in the footsteps of Kurt Cobain?!

They fall silent, sulking.

KELLY: [whispering] Am not.

BUD: [annoyed] All right. Fine. Then tell me this: what's heavier, a pound of wool or a pound of steel?

KELLY: Steel, duh. [rolls her eyes] Gosh, how stupid do you think I am?

BUD: [to Al:] See?

KELLY: [upon hearing this] Oh, oh, it's wool, it's wool. I knew it was a trick question! [smiles] You can't fool me...

BUD: I have a sister who has the brains of an ant!

KELLY: Yeah? Well, I have a brother who has the –

Bud puts his hand over her mouth to silence her. She pulls it away.

KELLY: - of an ant.

BUD: Kelly, ants don't have reproductive organs.

KELLY: My point exactly.

OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundys' garage. Bud is standing behind a pulpit wearing a "PLEASE MA'AM" shirt. His friends Hummer, Barney and Achmed are seated opposite him, also wearing "PLEASE MA'AM" shirts.

BUD: I now call this meeting of "PLEASE MA'AM" – "Pan-American League of Enviably Attractive Stunners Exigent for Muliebral Affection And Mitigation" – to order. Now, let's summarize our efforts so far to get ourselves some nookie.

BARNEY: Well, we tried to get ourselves into Playgirl and got arrested for indecent exposure after Hummer here couldn't take "no" for an answer.

HUMMER: I just wanted to show them what a great opportunity they were missing!

BARNEY: Yeah, well maybe with those tits you should've tried out for Playboy!

HUMMER: [getting up threateningly] What's that supposed to mean?

BARNEY: [also getting up] You know exactly what I mean, fatso!

BUD: Guys! We've talked about this before. "PLEASE MA'AM" members do not make fun of each other. It's enough everybody else does.

They sit back down, glaring at each other.

BUD: Good. Let's continue.

ACHMED We tried starting our own escort service, but still no nookie.

HUMMER: At least we made a lot of money; those women were sure willing to pay a lot for us to leave!

BUD: Well, I say it's their loss.

They others nod in agreement, looking at themselves boastfully.

BARNEY: Anyway, we had to stop after Hummer got arrested for indecent exposure again, after he once more had trouble understanding the word "no".

HUMMER: She said "no", but I could tell that she really wanted me!

BUD: Hummer, the only female in the world who'd ever want you is the witch from "Hansel and Gretel"! Now guys, we have to think of a new idea. A fail-proof plan. Something that is sure to drive the girls crazy for us. But what?

They fall into deep thought. Marcy and Peg burst in, deep in a brawl, unaware of the "PLEASE MA'AM" gang.

MARCY: *Nsync!

PEG: Backstreet Boys!

They notice Bud and his friends and freeze, Peg with her hands around Marcy's throat and Marcy grasping Peg's hair. They let go of each other and straighten up, looking sheepish.

MARCY: Er… we were just having a civilized debate over boy bands.

PEG: Yeah. Maybe you guys can settle this argument for us: which boy band is better: Backstreet Boys or… [with a great deal of contempt:] *Nsync?

HUMMER: Who cares? They're all just a bunch of gays.

MARCY: [furiously] How dare you!

Marcy and Peg lunge forward and nail Hummer to the floor. They start beating him up vigorously. The other three continue their discussion, indifferent to what is happening behind them.

ACHMED [thoughtfully] And yet they get all the hot girls.

BUD: That's it! I now know what we must do.

BARNEY: Come out of the closet?

BUD: Hell no! Form our own boy band. Don't you see? All we need is a schmaltzy ballad with kitschy lyrics, and the chicks will be all over us.

In the background, Marcy is beating Hummer (who is not visible to the camera) repeatedly with a chair. Bud, Barney and Achmed ignore his cries for help.

BARNEY: So, what shall we name ourselves?

ACHMED How about: "The New Studs on the Block"?

BUD: Not bad, not bad… hey, how's this: "Hunkzone".

BARNEY: Ooh, ooh, I've got one, I've got one: "the Spice Boys".

Achmed and Bud look at him oddly for a moment.

BUD: We'll choose later. C'mon, let's go work on our cheesy ballad.

They walk offscreen. Hummer is left alone lying on the floor with his arms and legs twisted in inhuman angles.

HUMMER: Uh, guys, I can't move. I think my back is broken.

Marcy returns, holding a lighted cigarette, smiling wildly.

MARCY: You know Hummer, it's amazing what you can do with just one cigarette.

She begins advancing towards him, laughing madly.

HUMMER: Guys? [panicked] Guys?! Guys!

SCENE TWO

Kelly is standing by the counter holding the phone receiver. Peg comes in with a shopping bag. She is wearing a Backstreet Boys t-shirt and Backstreet Boys tights.

PEG: Hi honey. Where's your brother?

KELLY: Oh, he's in there [gestures towards the garage] with the rest of the "Pathetic Lowlife Extremely Aesthetically-challenged and Sexless Excuses for Men, Attractive As Muck", rehearsing.

PEG: Oh. I got him those wigs he wanted.

She walks over to Kelly.

PEG: Whatcha doing?

KELLY: I'm trying to get into "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".

PEG: [hardly able to keep herself from laughing] You want to be on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"?

KELLY: Yeah. I'm going to show Bud who's the dullard around here.

A woman answers on the other side of the line.

WOMAN [V.O.] Hello and welcome to the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" telephone qualifying round. Your name please.

KELLY: Kelly Bundy.

WOMAN Sex?

KELLY: Uh… no thanks. No offense, but I prefer men...

WOMAN [annoyed] Male or female?

KELLY: I just told you: male. [to Peg:] Gosh, what a moron.

WOMAN Never mind! I will now ask you three multi-part general knowledge questions to determine whether you qualify to be on the show.

PEG: [heading towards the garage] Well, good luck, honey. [quietly to herself:] You'll sure need it.

She opens the garage door and goes inside.

WOMAN Place the following states in order going from East to West: York .

KELLY: [blankly] New York is a state?

WOMAN [evidently happy] Time's up! You'll have to try again. Although if I were you, I'd save the money. [hangs up]

KELLY: [annoyed] Lesbian bitch!

She hangs the phone up. Bud comes in from the garage, wearing a blond wig, a bright pink t-shirt and light-green pants.

BUD: Kelly, could you lend us your ignorant female's ears for a minute? As a representative of our target audience, we'd like to know what you think of our song.

KELLY: Okay, but I don't think you'll want to hear what my ignorant female's eyes have to say.

She follows him into the garage, where Achmed, Barney and Hummer are standing, all wearing blond wigs and unmatching, absurdly-colored shirts and pants, holding lyric sheets.

KELLY: [to Peg] Who dressed these guys? Stevie Wonder?

Kelly and Peg laugh.

BARNEY: [to Bud] I thought you said we weren't gonna come out of the closet.

BUD: Trust me guys, chicks love these clothes. Now let's show 'em what we got.

He clears his throat and starts singing.

BUD: When I saw you taking out the trash
I just had this nasty rash
There and then I knew
You were the one for me

HUMMER: When I saw you scooping your dog's shit
My heart – it missed a beat
I knew I'd love you
For eternity

BARNEY: Babe I think 'bout you all the time
You're always on my mind
And I'll run out of vaseline
If I don't make you mine

They start to dance, clumsily and with no coordination.

ALL: I love you
I need you
Girl I couldn't live without you here
When you're near
All the blood leaves my head
You're my life
Be my wife
Baby, I'd do anything for you
Yes it's true
I want you in my bed
In – my – bed

Kelly and Peg both have disgusted looks on their faces.

KELLY: Gee, how romantic.

PEG: Yeah, I'm sure the girls will just come running to ya.

BUD: [proudly, not noticing their sarcasm] We did the choreography ourselves, too.

PEG: No kidding.

KELLY: So, what are you going to call yourselves? "Least 17"? Or maybe "the Blackzit Boys"?

BUD: Haha Kel. But surely, if you ever formed a band it would be called "the Backseat Girls".

Kelly glares at him.

BUD: Come on, guys. Let's go take the record companies by storm.

SCENE THREE

This scene is a sequence of short scenes showing Bud and his friends at the offices of four different record company executives. Each executive, upon hearing what they want, points at them and starts laughing hysterically. One of them even calls his secretary and tells her what the guys want and then they both laugh at them. Another falls off his chair because he's laughing so hard. A third one wipes tears from his eyes. Music: "I Started A Joke" by the Bee Gees.

SCENE FOUR

Al and Bud are sitting on the couch. Kelly comes in, looking very pleased.

KELLY: Guess what? I'm going to be on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"!

Bud reluctantly takes a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and gives it to Al, who smiles smugly and pockets it.

BUD: What?! But how? Last time I checked you still thought the capital of California was "C"!

KELLY: It isn't? Well, anyway, I got your friend Barney to help me with the questions. I told him I'd have sex with him if he did. And he actually believed me, would you believe it? [laughs] And you say I'm dumb.

BUD: That traitor!

She sits on the couch.

KELLY: So Bud, how did your auditions go?

BUD: [bitterly] Great. Just great. I've never been more humiliated in my life. [sighs] Well, at least we gave a few record company executives some good laughs.

Kelly takes his hand.

KELLY: Aw, don't worry Bud, I'm sure you and your friends are going to get a contract very soon.

Kelly and Al look at each other and burst out laughing.

KELLY: Not!

AL: Not!

BUD: You know, it's wonderful how whenever you think you've hit rock bottom, your family's always there to kick you in the nay-nays.

AL: [warmly] Ah, what are families for.

BUD: [getting up] Well, I'm going to the basement to be alone with myself.

KELLY: The one person in the world you don't repel.

Bud gives her a dirty look and heads towards the basement.

KELLY: [calling after him] Hey, maybe you should've written a love song to your hand! It would've been more sincere and from the heart.

Bud goes into the basement and slams the door.

AL: Hey son, don't forget that third step!

We hear Bud scream and tumble down the stairs. Al shrugs and turns the TV on.

TV: And in other news, a red-headed woman and an androgynous boy named Marcy were arrested today for starting the biggest riot in Chicago history. The riot, which involved over ten thousand females of all ages, was over the question: which boy band is better, *Nsync or the Backstreet Boys. Several women were killed and hundreds were injured. The damage estimates exceed a million dollars, and someone's going to have to pay.

Al rubs his temples.
We see Marcy and Peg on TV being handcuffed and led into a police car.

MARCY: [to the camera] Justin, I love you!

PEG: [to the camera] Marry me, Nick!

KELLY: [to the image of Peg on the TV] You wish.

AL: No, I wish!

They laugh.
Bud comes out of the basement and limps over to the kitchen.

BUD: [bitterly] It doesn't get much worse than this.

He takes an ice-pack out of the refrigerator.

AL: Oh, it does, son. Wait till you marry.

Bud sits on the two-person couch, pressing the ice-pack to his forehead.

BUD: At least then I'll be having sex.

AL: Yeah, but you'll stop wanting to.

He smiles.

BUD: [to Kelly] So Kel, how exactly are you planning to win the million bucks? I mean, you won't have Barney or anyone to help you.

KELLY: Same way I got through high school.

BUD: You're gonna sleep with Regis Philbin?

KELLY: What the heck, if I do it for ice-cream and candy, then of course for a million – [she suddenly remembers Al is listening] I – I mean, of course not! I'm going to work hard and study, like I always do. Who put those perverted thoughts in your head?

Bud rolls his eyes.

AL: Well, Pumpkin, if you do win then of course you know who you're gonna have to share the money with.

KELLY: No, who?

AL: The ones who really love you. The ones who care about you the most.

He puts his arm around her shoulder.

KELLY: But if I share it with all the guys in Chicago, there won't be much left for me...

Al pulls away from her, annoyed.

AL: Ah, who am I kidding. The chance you'll win the million dollars – heck, the chance you'll win a hundred bucks – is even smaller than the chance Bud and his band have of getting signed anywhere.

They all laugh, but then Bud and Kelly think about what Al has just said and stop laughing.

BUD: Hey!
KELLY: Hey!

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Another "PLEASE MA'AM" meeting in the garage. Everyone looks dejected.

BUD: Let's face it, guys: we're not *Nsync or the Backstreet Boys. We don't look like them, we don't sound like them. Between us, we don't even sound like Milli Vanilli without their playback. [sighs] We're gonna have to think of a way to get babes that doesn't require good looks or the ability to sing.

Suddenly, very loud hard rock music starts playing, and the whole house begins to shake. The guys fall off their chairs and bits of ceiling fall on them.

HUMMER: [shouting to be heard over the noise] What on earth is that?

BUD: [also shouting] Kelly's new favorite band!

Al and Kelly can be heard shouting offscreen.

AL: Kelly, turn that cacophony off!

KELLY: That's not cacophony, that's my favorite band – "Bleedy Enema"!

AL: I don't care, just turn it off, or I'll make sure you get one! I don't think the house can take it much longer.

The music is turned off.

KELLY: [offscreen] Oh, come on, daddy, they're the coolest band out there! All my friends are crazy about them.

AL: [offscreen] Pumpkin, the IQ of all your friends combined is less than that of the average bear, so I wouldn't trust their judgement too much if I were you. They don't even care about the music. They'd be crazy about a bunch of unicycle-riding, trumpet-playing monkeys if that was considered 'cool'!

Bud smiles broadly to the camera, enlightened.

The frame flips and we see the "PLEASE MA'AM" guys as a heavy metal band, standing on an improvised stage in the garage. Hummer is behind the drums, Achmed and Barney have guitars, and Bud is holding a microphone. They are all wearing long-haired wigs, torn jeans and leather jackets. Bud's arms are covered with fake tattoos.

HUMMER: 1-2-3-4!

They start to play, very loudly and with a lot of distortion, Achmed and Barney strumming the same chord all the time.

BUD: [screaming] Satan – take my soul
Lucifer – I am in thy control
I got nothing to live for
I can't take it anymore

This world's an awful place to be
Angel of Death spread your wings over me
Hell's where I belong; wishing I
Would just drop and die! Die! Die!

Achmed, Barney and Hummer stop playing and rush over to calm Bud, who is in an ecstasy of screaming. Eventually he calms down.

BARNEY: So what do you guys think?
The camera moves to their audience – Al, Jefferson and Kelly – who all seem to be in a state of shock: they're standing very stiffly, their eyes and mouths wide open and their hair upright as if they've been electrocuted.

HUMMER: Wow, they're so impressed they can't even speak.

BUD: [enthusiastically] Let's go, guys. I have a feeling that this time we're gonna make it, big-time.

They leave. Al, Jefferson and Kelly remain frozen in their places.

KELLY: Now that's what I call cacophony.

JEFFERSON: [loudly] Hey Al, do you think we're ever gonna be able to hear again?

AL: What?

KELLY: [to Al] Don't you think that joke is a little old?

AL: What?

SCENE TWO

This is another sequence of short scenes, showing Bud and his friends performing at the offices of various record-company executives, and those executives' responses. The first one fixes a noose and tries repeatedly to hang himself. In the second one's office everything made of glass shatters. The third one jumps out his window. Music: "So You Wanna Be A Rock'N'Roll Star" by the Byrds.

SCENE THREE

The "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" studio in NYC, a few minutes before the start of taping. All contestants are seated, and the crew are performing last-minute checks. Kelly gets up and walks over to the host Regis Philbin. She leans very close to him.

KELLY: Now remember our deal: I get my million bucks, and you… "get some".

He loosens his tie, swallows and nods.

KELLY: Good.

She goes back to her seat, smiling with satisfaction. The crew clears the set, and the director shouts: "You're on!"

REGIS: Welcome back to "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". We have ten possible contestants battling for the chance to come up here and take home one million dollars. Our "Fastest Finger" question for tonight is: put the following numbers in order by value starting with the smallest: a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 and d) 4. Let's give our contestants time to answer.

All the contestants quickly enter the answer using their keypads, except for Kelly, who just sits there, looking blank.

REGIS: Time's up. The correct answer is: a,b,c,d. Let's see who got the right answer. [surprised:] Only one person got it right, and it's… [even more surprised:] Kelly Bundy from Chicago.

The crowd cheers.

KELLY: [excitedly] It is? Oh my God, oh my God!

REGIS: Way to go Kelly! Welcome to the show.

Kelly gets up and sits opposite Regis.

REGIS: [quietly] Don't tell me you slept with all the judges.

KELLY: [smiling] Okay, I won't.

Regis clears his throat.

REGIS: [looking at his console] Kelly, I understand that you like Garfield cartoons, and you used to work as The Verminator for "Pest Boys Extermination Co.".

Kelly nods, beaming with pride.

REGIS: Very impressive indeed. Now you know how the game is played: you get three lifelines and there are 15 questions between you and one million dollars. Are you ready?

She nods again.

REGIS: Then let's play! Here we go. The first question is for a hundred dollars: how many legs do seven cats have? a) 23 b) 56 c) 28 or d) 7?

Kelly stares at him emptily.

REGIS: [emphasizing the word "see"] I see you're having some see-rious trouble.

KELLY: [doubtfully] "C"?

REGIS: Final answer? [quickly, without waiting for her reply:] "C" is correct! The next question is for 200 dollars: which American state takes its name from the French for "Green Mountains"? Is it a) Vermont b) Greez Montages c) Ver Montagez or d) Greenmont?

Once again Kelly looks dumbfound.

REGIS: This is not a simple question, eh?

KELLY: "A"?

REGIS: Is that your final answer?

He nods eagerly to her. She nods.

REGIS: It's a good one! You've got 200 bucks.

Ten minutes later...

REGIS: [sounding constrained] Wow Kelly, you've made it to the million-dollar question without using a single lifeline. You must be the smartest girl in Chicago.

KELLY: [to the camera] Hear that, Bud? [sticks out her tongue]

REGIS: All right then. For one million dollars: which TV creatures ate "Blue String Pudding"? a) The Flumps b) The Smurfs c) The Wombles or d) The Clangers. Indeed, a very dee-ficult question. [singing to himself:] I'm gonna get some nookie, I'm gonna get some nookie.

KELLY: "A"!

REGIS: [bewildered] You sure about this? Is that your final answer?

He shakes his head vigorously and mouths "No!".

KELLY: [arrogantly] Of course I'm sure. I'm the smartest girl in Chicago.

REGIS: [sighs] The correct answer is "D". I'm afraid this brings you down to only $32,000.

The crowd goes "Ohhhhhhhh".

KELLY: What?! How could you do this to me? I thought we had a deal!

Regis puts his finger to his lips, motioning to her to be quiet.

KELLY: [angrily] No, I won't shut up! We had an agreement and you violated it!

Several cops emerge from the audience and handcuff Kelly and Regis. As they are being led off the stage, Kelly continues shouting at him.

KELLY: You can forget about ever laying your geezer hands on me, you little –

The transmission is replaced by a white screen with the ABC logo and beneath it the ABC slogan: "TV is good".

SCENE FOUR

Al and Kelly are sitting on the couch. Al is trying to comfort Kelly, who looks glum.

AL: Now, now, Pumpkin. Don't be disappointed. You should've known that, being a Bundy, you would never be able to win anything.

KELLY: But I was so close!

AL: That's the way it always is. That way it hurts the most, and He [points upwards] gets some good laughs.

KELLY: [dejectedly] Guess this means I really am a Bundy.

AL: Those blood tests I ordered back in '81 don't lie.

KELLY: I always hoped some day mom would tell me I'm the result of a drug-infested affair with the bass player of some heavy metal band. By the way, where is she?

AL: Oh, she's still under arrest.

KELLY: Aren't you going to bail her out?

AL: I'm afraid your 32 grand were only enough to pay your bail. [quietly, to himself, he adds:] And to buy me a nice car stereo and an ultra-sophisticated fishing rod. [loudly again:] But I wouldn't worry about her. You know how she's always talking about how she wants to spice up our sex life... well, I think where she is now she's getting plenty of that!

They laugh.

AL: Say, where's what's-his-face? You know, the lifeless midget that lives in the basement?

KELLY: Oh, you mean Bud. Well, you wouldn't believe this, but he and his friends actually got a contract.

AL: You don't say!

KELLY: [baffled] I do, actually... One of the record company executives they met with called and said he had the perfect job for them.

The picture changes and we see Bud, Achmed, Hummer and Barney performing as a boy band in front of a large, enthusiastic crowd, which is clapping and cheering. The camera zooms out to reveal a neon sign behind them that says: "the 'Laughs Unlimited' Comedy Club".

THE END