Introduction

Usually, Al's theories about life are weird or even ridiculous, but sometimes his statements explain basic rules which keep the Bundy family together. There are also other principles of the family mentioned in shorter declarations of Bundy bunch members.

Al about Refusing Sex to his Wife at the End of "Thinnergy" (102)

Oh honey, that again. Come here a second will ya, let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you, doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause your my wife!

[Peggy looks shocked.]

Don't stiffen on me Peg - let me tell ya what I mean. Remember that old baseball glove my dad gave me when I was a little kid? I loved that glove. Yeah it's old and the webs loose, but, it's special to me. That's how I feel about you Peg. I may not tell you all the time but - I love you. I wouldn't do ANYTHING to change you, I think you're great just the way you are.

[Al and Peg kiss.]

So's my glove. I'll have to take it out more often and play catch with Bud.

[Peggy caresses Al's neck.]

Oh, I like that, Oh that feels good. Hey! Remember the American league play-offs last year? You know, a lot of fly-balls were poppin' outta gloves, for a home runs. I think it's 'cause the modern gloves are too big. It never would have happened to Willie Mays, Know why? Willie had a small glove, just like mine.

[Al turns off the light and hugs Peg.]

Peggy about her affection for Al in "He Ain't Much But He's Mine" (305)

Peggy: What if he is cheating on me?

Marcy: Stand by your man - in court! Take him for everything and get yourself another man. A real man.

Peggy: I don't want a real man. I want Al!

Marcy: Why?

Peggy: Oh I don't know . Have you ever had a pair of old shoes? They're boring and ugly and stink to high heaven. But they're yours, you know? They're worn down and broken in and... and when you put 'em on it feels like there's nothing there, hahaha. That's my Al.

Al about Being A Loser at the End of "He Thought He Could" (302)

Al to Mrs. De Groot: "So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't wanna be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"

Al Much Shorter about the Same Issue in "Yard Sale" (423)

Al to Kelly: "A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits."

Al Even Shorter about the Same Issue in "Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore" (708)

Al to Kelly: "Bundys are losers, not quitters."

Al about Revenge in "What Goes Around Comes Around" (418)

Al to Bud: "Revenge is great. It's phenomenal! It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. It's why I stay with your mother."

Al about Love in "Al... with Kelly" (501)

Al to Kelly: "Love, hate... look, we're a family, what's the difference?"

Al & Peg about Love in "The Godfather" (514)

Al to Kelly: "... we don't believe in love!"
Peggy: "That's because our marriage works.

Al about Lying in "The Wedding Repercussions" (725)

Al to Bud: "The Bundys' proud name was built on a philosophy of lying. Well, lying, owing money and perhaps beer. Yes, lying, owing money and beer. The only thing that separates us from the Kennedys is that they have money."

Al about Women in "Get Outta Dodge" (817)

Al to Bud: "Women... can't live with'em... the end!"

Bundy Credos

Al in 311:: "We don't eat vegetables."
Al in 313: "When one of us is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves."
Al in 423: "A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits."
Bud in 423: "A Bundy never eats."
Kelly in 423: "A Bundy never learns."
Bud in 423: "A Bundy never cares."
Kelly in 423: "A Bundy never dies."
Peggy in 617: "We don't call the cops. They call the cops on us!"
Al in 725: "Lie if your wife is awaking. Lie if your belly is aching. Lie if you think she's faking. Lie, sell shoes, lie."
Al in 725: "Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb."

Bundy Curses

Al in 420: "It's what keeps us from being happy. There's no point in fighting. It's what seperates us from the ordinary losers. They can have their moments, but not us. Never us. (...) Your mother is just a Bundy by marriage. She's part of the curse. But we are blood Bundys. We are truly doomed."
Peg in 804: "The foot odor thing."
Al in 804: "The minute a Bundy has good luck he immediately starts building up an equal amount of bad luck."

Thanks a lot to StuartM, Christian Zelger, Jeffery J. Leader, Tom Breton and "Ade Bundy".

Kellyisms

Wisdoms

E before O except before E-I-E-I-O. (A mixture of I before E except after C and the song Old MacDonald had a Farm, E-I-E-I-O as an explanation for the spelling of Sheos) 0925
Feed a cold, starve for pizza. Starve a pizza, eat cold feet. (Instead of Feed a cold, starve a fever.) 0501
He who laughs last laughs West. (Instead of ...best.) 0620
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have seen 'Lost in Space' at all. (Instead of ... than never to have loved at all.) 0922
It turns, therefore I am. (Instead of I think, therefore I am.) 0620
Make new thoughts, but keep the old, one is silver, and the other is old. (Instead of Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, and the other gold.) 0620
Mom and Dad are my relatives, therefore I am. (Combination of Einstein's theory of relativity and René Descartes' I think, therefore I am) 0322
There, but for the flippers, go I. (Instead of There, but for the grace of God, go I.) 0410
They will never buy the cow if they can get the eggs for free. (You can figure out that one yourself.) ?
Those who can - do, those who can't - do not. (Instead of ... those who can't - criticise. Or: ... those who can't - teach.) 0915
Use a condom, go to jail. (Instead of Use a condom, go to school.) 0601

Statements

As inevitable as death in Texas. (Instead of ... death and taxes.) 0416
Buenos nachos. (Instead of Buenas noches.) 0511
B-U-N-D and sometimes Y. (Combination of the spelling of Bundy and English vowels "A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y". 0919
Comme ci, comme di. (Instead of Comme ci, comme ça.) 0913
Down yours. (Instead of Up yours.) 1015
Fly like the beagle. (Instead of Fly like an eagle. 0715
I'm going to hold my breast until I turn blue. (Instead of ... breath...) 0826
I'm an Aquarium. (Instead of ... Aquarius.) 0420
I'm on the edge of my feet. (Instead of ... seat.) 0922
I'm on the horns of an enema. (Instead of ... on the horns of a dilemma.) 0419
Is a bear catholic? (Instead of Is the Pope a Catholic? and Does a bear shit in the woods?) 0912
It's as easy as 1, 2, C. (Instead of ... 1, 2, 3.) 0422
It's so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk. (Instead of ... fry an egg on the sidewalk. 0523
I wear my heart on a sleaze. (Instead of ... my sleeve.) 0721
Mars to Mom. (Instead of Earth...) 1106
My brain beats faster. (Instead of My heart beats faster.) 0521
Objection stained (instead of ... sustained) 0720
Quoth the Raven 'Demi Moore'. (Instead of Quoth the Raven 'Nevermore'. from Edgar Allan Poe's poem The Raven) 0716
Right, and the check is in my mouth. (Instead of The check is in the mail. and I won't come in your mouth.) 0822
Squid pro quo. (Instead of Quid pro quo.) 0914
That is the squaw that stroke the camel's sack. (Instead of That is the straw that broke the camel's back.) 0901
The defense breasts (instead of ... rests 0720
The mind wobbles. (Instead of The mind boggles.) 609
The prostitution rests. (Instead of The prosecution rests.) 0418, 0720
The quest for the holy pale. (Instead of ... grail.) 0708
Three out of two. (Instead of Two out of three. 1121
You could've knocked me over with the weather. (Instead of You could've knocked me over with a feather.) 0614
Your words fall off me like water of a duck's quack. (Instead of ... duck's back. 0518

Expressions

ABD (instead of ABC) 0521
Adidas (instead of adios 0510
Brazil (as a US state) 0615
Buttshell (instead of nutshell) 0918
Chinese waiter torture (instead of ... water...) 0721
Coyote (instead of Kyoto 1009
Da-ta! (instead of ta-da!) in 1105
East Dakota (instead of North Dakota or South Dakota) 0419
Electrical (instead of electoral) 0707
Felines (instead of females) 0922
Francis Ford Coppertop (instead of Francis Ford Coppola) 0925
Grey mattress (instead of grey matter 0817
G-spot (instead of ten-spot) 0321
Hunchback (instead of hunch) 0523
Illegitimate (instead of illiterate) 0421
Illiteral (instead of illiterate) 0708
Indonesia (instead of amnesia) 1101
Inseminations (instead of influence) 0510
Intersections (instead of interjections) 0610
Jolly Goodfellas (instead of goodfellas) 1015
Long Island (instead of Los Angeles) 0522
Los Angeles, the Big Apple (which would be New York City) 0610
Ministers (instead of minerals) 0617
Mistress (instead of master 0510
Lesbian (instead of Thespian) 0916
Magnesia (instead of amnesia 0717
Mental pause (instead of menopause) 0719
Metamucil (instead of metaphoric 0708
Montecristo's revenge (instead of Montezuma's revenge) 0501
North and South Georgia 0615
Norwegia (instead of Norway) 0803)
Optometrist (instead of optimist 0716
Ping and pong (instead of ying and yang) 1025
Poke (instead of Polk) 0304
Probation (instead of vacation) 0522
Proctology (instead of ecology 1007
Q (in toaster leavin's, instead of G) 0909
Reincastrated (instead of reincarnated) 1025
Rocks (instead of minerals) 0402
Spinach (instead of Spanish) 1022
Stereo system (instead of stereotype) 0908
Street Louis (instead of Saint Louis) 0911
Strip-search me (instead of search me) 0604
Sweat of our bras (instead of ... brows) 0715
Testicle (instead of Testica) 1109
Topeka! (instead of Eureka!) 0506
Unconscious (instead of Confucius) 0922
Urethra! (instead of Eureka!) 0506
Valid dictator (instead of valedictorian) 1008
Vegetarian (instead of veterinary) 0826
Viola (instead of voilà) 0318
Wallabies (instead of wannabes) 0620

Pronunciations

Au revoir (0406)
Bonmots (0610)
Chicago (0419)
Coincidence (0702, 0708)
Faux pas (0623)
FBI (0617)
Germ (0402)
Goose (0521)
Lasagne (0416, 0518)
Meteorologist (0419)
OK Corral (0802)
School (1005)
Science (1005)
Storm (0419)
UCLA (1016)
USC (1016)
Yosemite (0416)
Yvette (0406)

Mix-Ups

19th and 21st century (0620)
"The Father of our country" and "The Godfather of Soul" (0722)
"The Godfather of Soul" and "The Godfather" (0722)
Thomas Jefferson and The Jeffersons (0322)

Kelly on Other Shows

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, April 29, 1996
Conceded instead of conceived
Jerry instead of Jay Leno

Top of the Heap
Pronounciation of 'Verducci'
Spelling of 'Bundy' (she spelt it 'Buddy')
"Dances with Wool" instead of "Dances with Wolves"
"Dig a hole in the ground and throw away the key."

Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This, I tell you, brother,
You can't have one without the other.
Love and marriage,
Love and marriage,
It's an institute you can't disparage.
Ask the local gentry,
And they will say it's elementary.
Try, try,
Try to seperate them.
It's an illusion.
Try, try,
Try and you will only come to this conclusion.
Love and marriage,
(Cut in Married... with Children)
Love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This was told by mother.
You can't have one,
You can't have none,
You can't have one without the other.
(Repeat)

Music & Lyrics by Sammy Cahn & Jimmy van Heusen
Performed by Frank Sinatra
Recorded on August 15, 1955.

"Thank Your Father, Kids."

"Thanks, Dad." 203 (3 times), 204 (twice), 213 (twice), 413, 618, 626, 921
"Thanks, Mom." 1108
"Thanks, Mr Rhoades." 209

Al Bundy's Christmas story
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house,
no food was a stirring, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,
along with a note that said "presents or die".
Children were plotting all night in their beds,
while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But daddy had money this year in the bank,
then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank.
...and all of a sudden Santa appeared,
a sneer on his face, booze in his beard.
Santa I said as he laughed merrily,
you do so much for others do something for me.
Bundy he said, you only sell shoes,
your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze.
Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife,
her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife.
As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung,
he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue.
And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee:
you're married with children, you'll never be free.

Five Days of Christmas
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing
Peg: 4 'roids a-throbbing
Kel: 3 nosehairs waving
Bud: 2 children starving
Peg: 1 untouched wife!

Al pays the bills
from Raingirl (419)

Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha
Early grave, cha cha cha
Alright now, everybody - shoot me!

Psycho Dad original theme song
from Al... with Kelly (501)

Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!

Daddy poem
from The Unnatural (504)

D is for the many pies I baked you.
A is for the apple in my eye.
D is for the dish you ate the pie in.
D is for the apple in my eye.
Y ? Because I love you!
Put them all together, they spell "daddy".

Al's Gardening Song
from Wabbit Season (508)

Ol' McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y.
With a no wife here, and no kids there,
And a hooker coming over on Friday night,
Big hooters with a pizza and a beer there,
Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y!

B.B. King's songs
from Look Who's Barking (513)

I was born in the junkyard,
A child of the streets,
My Dad was catching garbage,
And other tastes of treats.
Police chased and caught me,
I was in the pound alone,
The Bundys came and got me,
Didn't even bring a bone!
Yeah, yeah, I ain't talkin' jive.
I'll eat anything,
Even if it's alive.
Don't want no fax machine,
Got no use for a phone,
Don't even want my belly rubbed,
Just give me a blood-stained bone!
Starvin' out here, Mama,
Got no food to call my own.
You better watch your wives and children,
I'm out here prowlin' for a bone.

Woman makes you stupid,
Every man's a hound,
She says love's an ocean,
That she pulled you in to drown.
Woman makes you stupid,
Always playin' with your head,
Next time you'll be smiling,
Is the day you wake up dead.
Woman makes you stupid,
When she show a little tail,
I don't know why we need 'em,
Oh yeah: a coffin needs a nail!

Bud's Rap
from If Al Had a Hammer (603)

He came from the streets where everyone's meet
Guns in the night, but you wonder why she can't love no-one
'Cause he's on the run
Sleeps in the alley, wakes by the sun
Listen to the sirens, thinkin' they're for me
It's a lonely life for Grandmaster B
Yes, a lonely life for Grandmaster B.

I Care by Al Bundy
from The Mytersy of Skull Island (614)

When hooters jiggle around,
and I find nickels on the ground, I care.
When a mustang engine purrs,
and the bathroom is not hers, I care.
When the pitcher's on the mound,
and the wife is underground, I care.
But when I've been playing this for days,
I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!
To which Peggy adds:
...and if you really want a scare,
check out his underwear,
if you dare.

At the Nudie Bar
from Rites of Passage (616)

Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.
Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.
Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut, at the nudie bar.

Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest, at the nudie bar.
Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.
Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass, at the nudie bar.

New Psycho Dad theme song
from Teacher Pets (621)

A little touched or so we're told.
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold.
Might as well, she was gettin' old.
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.
He's quick with a gun, and his job ain't done.
Killed his wife by twenty-one, he's Psy-cho Dad!

Psycho Mom theme song
from Teacher Pets (621)

Who's the gal who needs no man?
Killed him dead with the frying pan.
Did it 'cause he missed the can.
Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!

Old Aid song
from Rock of Ages (709)

We are the old, we've got arthritis,
Our gums are weak [so weak], from gingivitis.
We are the old, we've got arthritis,
We are the ones who wear bifocals, and have bursitis.
There are people younger, but we heed another call,
We really need the money, our accountants took it all.
We sing to you, those who have money,
Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny.
We need your help, so please please dig deep,
Don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep.
We have Medicare, and anti-gas pills,
But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills.
We are the old, [They are the old,]
We have arthritis. [They have arthritis.]
Once we were gods, now golf excites us. [Golf excites 'em.]
So write a check [a really big one], for our December,
There's one more verse, but we can't remember...
(Music and lyrics by Jonathan Wolff)

Christmas jobs for Al
from Christmas (712)

With twelve days till christmas, your family got for you:
12 days fruit picking,
11 off-ramp selling,
10 toilets cleaning,
9 digging graves,
8 sneaking sewers,
7 spearing rats,
6 training guard dogs,
5 giving blood!
4 crash-test dummying,
3 jobs roach-killing,
2 jobs dog catching,
and one job Santaing at the mall.

Marcy's song for Santa-Al
from Christmas (712)

Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
With the hair in his nose and rot on his toes,
he's as bald as he can be.
Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
He's into old age,
making minimum wage,
he's as bald as he can be...

Peg, Bud & Kelly's variation of the Banana Boat Song
from Eatin' out (311)

Day old,
Day old bread,
Uncle Henry buys a day old bread.
Hey Mr. Bakerman, none of that fresh stuff,
Uncle Henry buys a day old bread...

The Polk High Song
from Scared Single (808)

Oh, Polk you're the best of all the schools,
Gor you will always share.
By day we learn to read and write,
By night our team will fight, fight, fight.
No matter where we are,
We'll always give a "ra"
For P-O-L-K, P-O-L-K, Polk, Polk, Polk.

Some Married Music in the Mall Lounge
from Scared Single (808)

My wife will never cook or clean,
She still the money spends.
Who knew when I first chose my mate
That she would put on that much weight.
Or sex we like for sure,
If it only worked with her.
Please K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L me, me, me.

More Nudie Bar sayings
from NO MA'AM (809)

Where a buck's enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar.
Where the breasts may be fake but man do they shake, at the nudie bar.
Where you swear like a sailor, and wish you could nail her, at the nudie bar.
Where the cops are at the door, and there's a Kennedy on the floor, at the nudie bar.

Marcy's Circumcision Card
from Just a Little off the Top (812)

We heard about your little loss.
We know you'll make it through.
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you.
And though they took more than you'd like
The good luck is, you see:
Another quarter inch
It'd be a full labotomy!

Psycho Dad christmas episode
from The Worst Noel (813)

Who's that riding in the sleigh.
Who's that firing along the way.
Who's got the most popped on christmas day?
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Al's Wife chant
from Honey, I Blew up Myself (814)

I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.
I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack.
I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch.
I've seen her on her stupid couch.
I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall.
I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife!

Al's High School Valentine poem for Peggy
from Valentine's Day Massacre (818)

I love your hooters,
I love your ass,
Let's say we meet after class.

Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments
from Legend of Ironhead Haynes (821)

1. It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
2. It is wrong to be French.
3. It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
4. Lawyers: see rule three.
5. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
6. Everyone should car pool but me.
7. Bring back the word "stewardesses"
8. Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.
9. Mudwrestling is a sport.

The New Adventures of Psycho Dad
from Kelly Knows Something (823)

Who is the tall, dark stranger there.
The one with the gun and the icy stare.
The one with the scalp of his ex-wife's hair.
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!
He's a durn good pa, but he hates the law.
He's to eat it raw, Psycho Dad!

Who's that ridin' across the plain.
Who's lost count of the wives he's slain.
Who is the man who's plum insane!
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!

Al singing the Psycho Dad theme
from I Want My Psycho Dad (Part 1) (913)

Who's gonna ride into the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Marcy's Psycho Dad parody
from I Want My Psycho Dad (Part 1) (913)

Who's the guy whose show is done?
Whose TV hero's on the run?
Who'll be watching VH1?
Loser Al, Loser Al, Loser Al.

Christmas Nudie Bar sayings
from I Can't Believe It's Butter (1012)

Where Christmas is nice, and lap dances are half price, at the nudie bar.
Where you drink down the shooters, and unwrap the hooters, at the nudie bar.
Where eggnogs are plenty, and the girls all twenty, at the nudie bar.

Al's Top-Ten list for Marcy
from Kiss of the Coffee Woman (1023)

10. Wear traditional Islamic garb covering all but the eyes.
9. Feather removing electrolysis.
8. Ski mask.
7. Sew up holes in ski mask.
6. Hire attractive woman to stand in front of you at all times.
5. Beak job.
4. Put paper bag over ski mask.
3. Shave head, tatoo Cindy Crawford's face on back of head, and learn to walk backwards.
2. Poke out eyes of every man on Earth.
1. Get President to make every day Halloween.

Marcy's "Al's Gone" Chant
from Breaking up Is Easy to Do, Part II (1117)

Al Bundy's gone away
I'll have a gag-free day
It always pays to pray
I've never felt so gay!

Negative Statements about the French

Whose Room Is it Anyway? (0106)
Peggy: So, what are you gonna spend your refund on?
Marcy: Well we were thinking about taking a romantic trip to Paris.
Peggy: Oh, I've always wanted to go to Paris.
Al: Oh yeah Paris - where they hate Americans... where they won't let our bombers fly overhead, oh yeah, until they get invaded, and then they come crawling back, beret in hand, for us to bail 'em out - with "my" tax dollars! That's where your going?
Steve: No, no... we just said that... you know... to kid you. We hate the French.
Al: You know what I would do if I had a few extra bucks?
Marcy: Bomb the French?
Al: No, no, I was talking about a 'little' extra money.

Whose Room Is it Anyway? (0106) again
Al: "Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve? I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equallity thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?"
Steve: "The French?"
[ Al nods his agreement ]

Johnny Be Gone (0113)
[ Al reads a an assembly manual ]
Al: "Ah! Here it is, er, Attention vous avez... Oh hell! More people we should have killed!"
[ He comes across another French instruction ]
Al: "Oh, my friends the French again".

Fair Exchange (0406)
Al: "A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how to write a check."

Look Who's Barking (0513)
[ Al is on the phone, trying to find the German chef Hans ]
Al: Listen, you French moron! We saved your cowardly wine soaked behinds in the war! In all the wars! Every stinkin' war you've ever been in. Now you tell me where you're hiding Hans, before I... Hello!?
[ He hangs up ]
They really are rude to Americans!

A Man's Castle (0515)
Al: ... running like a Frenchman from a cap gun.

All Night Security Dude (0516)
Spare Tire Dixon to Al: "I dropped you like third period French."

Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (0605)
Al, to Jefferson: "She's got you running like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm."

The Mystery of Skull Island (0614)
News anchor: "Until further information is uncovered, scientists will continue to sift through the giant hole that was until yesterday the Republic of France."

England Show, Part 1 (0624)
Al at Speakers Corner: "Am I alone in hating the French?"
Crowd: "No!"
Al: "I thought not."

England Show, Part 2 (0625)
[ A family screams at the Bundy's and runs away ]
Peggy: "We're only Americans. Why'd they run?"
Al: "They must be French. It takes so little."

England Show, Part 3 (0626)
Upper-Unctonian: "We're not barbarians. We're not the French."

The Chicago Wine Party (0707)
A reporter about riots against a beer tax increase: As if they need to be told, all Frenchmen should stay in hiding.

Death of a Shoe Salesman (0710)
[ Al decides to take a spot to be buried next to Fuzzy McGee ]
Undertaker: Let me know if you DON'T want it. I hear Fuzzy is a big in France, I believed they called him "Le Grand Fuzz".

The Old Insurance Dodge (0724)
Peggy: Listen, Honey, I'm having a little trouble with the insurance company. Did you know that the French claim that the real Mona Lisa is theirs, just like we did?
Al: You know, it's a dark day when someone will believe the French over me!.

The Proposition (0726)
Kelly: "Mom, when you say 'we,' I hope you mean 'oui,' as in French for 'Hell yes we'll sell daddy and collaborate with the Germans.' Ergo, which is French for 'Yes take our country but please let us live to make our creamy sauces,' I say we take the $500,000 and bid daddy adieu, which is French for 'A deer,' 'A female deer.'

Legend of Ironhead Haynes (0821)
Al's voice booms out over the mountains: Don't eat the croissant!"

Legend of Ironhead Haynes (0821)
Commandment #2: It's wrong to be French.

Driving Mr. Boondy (0902)
Bud, to German Heidi: "Pretend like my pants are France and invade me!"

Business Sucks, Part 1 (0905)
Kelly: Some warbreaks out in some country I can't even pronounce.
Bud: That could be France!
Kelly: I said "country".

How Bleen Was My Kelly (1005)
[ Peggy tries to find someone who makes less money than a shoe salesman. ]
Bud: Check "French deodorant salesman."

Dud Bowl II (1009)
TV News Reader: Hundreds of organisations are claiming credit for the bombing of the Al Bundy Scoreboard, including The National Organisation of Women, The National Organisation of Fat Women and The Government of France.

The Agony and the Extra C (1019)
Peg: Al, I'm in Paris. Everyone here is just so rude and smelly. I'm thinking about you all the time.

T*R*A*S*H (1114)
Al: Well family, I'm off to fight the forces of evil.
Peggy: Mmm, that's nice dear.
Al: Hey! Will someone pay attention here, they're having me go out to fight horrible people - probably the French! You may never see me again!

Breaking up Is Easy to Do, Part 1 (1116)
Peggy: Why won't you go to therapy!?
Al: Maybe it's 'you' who don't know 'me'! Because If you knew me, Peg, you would know there are certain things I do not do:
I do not floss, I do not eat vegetables, I do not like French Pastry, I do not like the French...

Damn Bundys (1120)
[ Al is playing "hang-man" with Napoleon in Hell. ]
Napoleon: Could it be the letter "P"?
Al, laughing: Hang-man, I win! It's "French fries" you idiot! You're not too smart, are you Nap?
[ Nap puts his hand in his coat, then Al puts his hand in his pants. ]

Neutral Statements about the French

Thinnergy (0102)
Al watches a French chef on TV.

Kelly Bounces Back (0506)
The show is about the new Allanté.

I Want My Psycho Dad, Part 1 (0913)
Kelly: Oh well, like they say in France, 'comme ci, comme di.'

Breaking up Is Easy to Do, Part 2 (1117)
[ Bruce is subtly commenting on Pegs awful cooking ]
Bruce: Oh no, that was wonderful, it's just that... I hate to see you slaving away in the kitchen. From now on we eat 'out'.
Peggy: Ooooh! Can we go to one of those fancy French places?
Bruce: Oh, my Darling, if this year and 'Yugo Palooza' sale goes as well as I expect, I'll be taking you to dine in Paris. Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?
Peggy: Ah, well, no... but once, I frenched a guy in the Sears Tower!

The Bundys Speaking French

Au contraire - Bud (0403), Al (0520)
Au revoir - Kelly (0406), Kelly (0518)
Au revoir mes amis - Al (0925)
Bonmots - Kelly (0610)
C'est moi - Jefferson (0704)
Déjà-vu - Al (1007)
Du jour - Al (0317)
Faux pas - Al (0623)
Fin - At the end of Al & Kelly's movie (0925)
Grand - Al (0720)
Je ne sais quoi - Peggy (0718)
Les miserables - Al (0925)
Mais oui - Al (0622)
Moi - Peggy (0703), Al (1009)
Mon chérie - Bud (0904)
S'il vous plaît - Al (0519, 0607)
Vive la coeur des deaths - Al (0520)
Vive la France - Steve (0106)
Voilà - Kelly/Bud (0318), Bud (0421, 0913), Al (0311, 0504, 0505, 0719)

Al's "in lieu" in 1011 is not French, that would be "au lieu". Kelly also tries to say more French expressions, but she fails; e.g. "viola" ("voilà").