MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

I must not eat. Four simple words with deadly consequences…which will forever dictate my life. There is no getting better, you never really heal. Because getting healthy means getting fat. And being fat is not an option. Your happiness matters so why does everyone think that not eating is not okay. It depends on my happiness and sanity. I love college I really do but I'm damaged goods and always will be. I'm broken who wants to deal with that. And eating or lack thereof is my way of dealing with it. It's my dirty little secret who has to know. It's my life anyway.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

I'm getting headaches and they're getting worse. I can't stop and won't stop. I'm still too big. I'm curvy and I always have been, I'm just curvy in all the wrong places.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

When he teased me I don't think he realized how long his words would still affect me…that was 6 years ago. 6 years or 2190 days or 52560 hours or 3153600 minutes…however you want to slice it. I have it engraved in me that I am not good enough for anyone's love or appreciation (besides my family, because they're stuck with me). He will forever be mocking me, I close my eyes at night and his face is clear as day, his voice changes though, sometimes it's my voice I hear coming from his lips or my family or my friends but the message, it's always the same: Hayley you're such a fat ass. You are ugly and stupid and you will never be good enough for anyone.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

I was a dare, a point system.

20 points if you got her to take off her shirt.

30 points if you felt her up.

35 if she did it to you.

95 if you got pictures of her.

100 if you got her to give you a blow job.

500 if you take her virginity. Automatic win.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

I'm scared of being close to people, because I'm terrified that I'll get hurt. Or that they'll realize that I'm getting bad again. I'll drink water before meals to feel fuller. I will cut up everything on my plate and offer everyone to take a taste of it. I'll mush it around on my plate, put some in a napkin, no one ever notices. I'm sadly good at it. I don't know what's worse wanting someone to notice or the sickening pride I feel in myself for making it another meal down without really eating anything at all. I'm not as bad as I once was…but here in college no one is watching it's easy to slip back into old habits. I will not gain the freshmen fifteen I refuse to because I must not eat.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

I'm happy with most everything else in my life besides my appearance and love life because I feel that I cannot be with anyone. Who wants to date a hippo? I won't give anyone the chance to reject me because I do it to myself first. It's easier that way.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

The fat jokes, yeah, I've hear a lot of them, I tell a lot of them too. I mean if I insult myself first than no one has to do it behind my back. Self-deprecating is easy, too easy. I mean just look at me, I make it easy for everyone.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

No one here knows my past, so no one is watching for it. I feel like I should win an Olympic medal, look at me I'm getting away with my bulimia! But why do I feel like shit anyway… I don't want to think about it, so instead I think about not eating.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

The same thing happened with the next guy. He wanted benefits, lots of benefits and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. That would mean that he would have to see me, really see me and that scared the shit out of me. I was ugly why would I put that on display for his eyes to feast on. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't. I couldn't add another nagging voice in my head, one was more than enough.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

All I need is strength, discipline, and power. But it's so hard. I just want to eat. I pass by the kitchens on the way to class and the smells, oh God. It's not fair. So I brush my teeth multiple times a day. The mint lingers and I don't want to eat with that taste in my mouth. I'm getting back into the swing of things. I lasted about 9 months without doing anything, but the camel's back broke, it broke with my weight. I killed the fucking camel. It's dead. Done. Goodbye. Gone. It's all on thunder thighs to get her shit back together.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

Gum is good too. So is sleeping, the challenging part is falling asleep with a rumbling mountain attached to you. Before I used to drink tea, but I switched to hot chocolate down here at school. It's fattier but I indulge myself a little. Turn the shower on so no one hears and the purge everything. Don't use your fingers because there will be scars on them evidence of your extracurricular activities. I use my toothbrush.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

The cycle it just never ends. I don't know what to do with myself. I only really know that I must not eat. The mantra runs through my head every day.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.

MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT. MUST NOT EAT.