I have a problem and a huge one, I must add. The simple way of letting it out is to say that whenever I see this particular person, my dick gets a life on its own. I don't know what to do and it's driving me nuts. I feel so insecure; I lose my train of thought every time he is walking around. I wish I could make him disappear.
I am Frank by the way, and as for now, I am a teenager boy and you know how we all are. Then again, that's perfectly fine, but we are talking about getting it up because of a boy here! Today, here, right now, messing up my young spirit. My youth is going to be stained because I fancied a boy when I was growing up. I can't let anyone know. I'm on my own. My mom, my sister; well they won't care, but they can't know. My friends, I'm still allowed to call them that because they don't know. Nevertheless, just wait and you will see. I am on the path of the lonely and desperate.
In addition, you know what's the worst of all these? He is a Blur fan. I mean, we are talking about the Britpop war here. I'd like to consider myself an Oasis fan, mad fer it, Cigarettes and Alcohol and all that, working class, for fuck's sake!
I was born in 1996, Britpop was already on, and my mom was and still is a music freak. She taught me all about it, about the brothers, about Knebworth, "Country house" vs. "Roll with it", about Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler's fight, Morrissey being celibate; MSP, the glamorous twins and the oysters, Jarvis wanting to have Babies, all of it. She used to tell me my dad was David Bowie and sang his lyrics for me to sleep. I grow up listening to the great one, the whole she-bang. My infancy was a dream. I lived in music land. I won't deny that sometimes it got somewhat scary, my mom was up on coke and down on laxatives, it was at times difficult. However, music made it all better, or at least that's what she used to tell us.
Hence, I am at school and it's Thursday. Rainy and cold as shit because of winter and I am early. I can't afford to get in late nowadays. It makes me nervous whenever I enter the classroom and he is already there. He's always watching with his huge eyes and long eyelashes. He must know because I am the idiot that stutters the minute I am anxious. However, today it's different; I am sitting in the back, right? He arrives, right? And ... I'm angry. Do you want to know why? He is wearing a shirt in which Noel is kissing Liam. I want to punch him, hard. I confirm that he knows because while he is taking a sit he turns his golden perfectly bowl-cut hair and gives me a smile. A fucking smile! He knows and I'm screw!
The hours, well they are never on my side, I tell you. Math, English and then Art. It all looks like torture to me today. Still, I don't want it to end because I know he will come looking for me, I know the day is today and I am hating it. What am I going to say? "Hey dude, cool t-shirt!" I don't think so. When the bell rings I move in slow motion, I am trying to play the invisible part, which I know won't work. I grab my notes and try to slide my body through the door, but he catches my bag pack and I, for my mother sake know I am going to mess this up.
"Hello Calvin" he says and I'm white.
"H-ey..." really smooth there.
"Though you might like to have lunch with me today" What? No way, why would I want that? And, then my dick, what a truthful friend! I take for the run. I'm pissing myself. And, I do run to the bathroom. It's been thirteen minutes now and I'm sitting like a rat waiting. Please don't come, please don't. Yet, the door opens and I hear his voice, he sounds fragile, but I know he isn't, he is just playing along.
"Are you all right, Calvin?"
"No" My voice sounds pallid. My face twisted in disgust. I need help. Someone please, God! I sound like such a girl; it's irritating even to my ears. "Just leave me alone."
"I can't do that, you know I can't. You started it, now come and face me."
"I won't bite ... not if you don't want me to"
"Oh shut the fuck up!"
"I am ruining it for you, am i not? oh I am so sorry"
"Don't be a cunt"
"Don't be a pussy, cat!"
What if I come out? Not like that, just out of the stall.
Just out of the stall.
All I can think of is about this stupid chorus: "...who do boys like they're girls who do girls like they're boys always should be someone you really love..."