People who look at me with their judgmental eyes don't look past the surface, where all my scars and my anger and self consciousness live. The chaos of what they see, it makes me look like a dark cloud. Everything is moving around me like a broken carousel and looks uninviting to everyone who lays eyes on the mess. The body i use isn't beautiful, but rather is awkward and misunderstood. I know they see all the imperfections and use them against me. I know their eyes can't see past my skin and understand exactly what is going on beneath the surface.
Inside my chest, there is constantly pain. It's pressure fills up like a balloon about to burst. Pressing my lungs against my ribs and rubbing against my already aching heart. They don't understand what they see because I refuse to let them past the cloud. I refuse to expose all that is already broken.
Those people, they say that they care and that they will never leave. But these are just words that should never be uttered. Lies are a commodity that the world cannot live without. I swim in lies and pretend that they are not drowning me. I see the pain in the eyes of the hopeless and I know how they are feeling. I see the lust in the narcissistic and wish that they would burn in their own desire. I look in the mirror and lie to myself that the person staring back is me.
This is not my body and it is not where I belong. I am a lost soul finding refuge in a broken vessel. Every limb is broken from the beatings and even the heart won't beat anymore for even the slightest amount of sunshine that peers so longingly through the gray clouds. Muster up that courage and tell them all that the world is beautiful even though I am shrouded in darkness. Stand up on my two legs and walk the earth like I am part of it. Lost in myself with the protection of music and that dark aura, I am left alone, free to suffer in silence like I always have.
Turn out the light and lay on the empty bed. Feel that loneliness that I feel everyday. Feel the emptiness that swallows me whole and keeps my body cold in the winter night. All that I dream of is to wake up one day with a warm body asleep next to me.
I'm tired of the tears, they fall like rivers down my cheeks, soaking my pillow and making it hard to sleep. The quiet of the night is loud in my ears and I want to escape and never look back. I am anonymous in my life and I despise the freedom. Swallowing the sorrow I cut with the knife and drink from the bottle. To erase the pain I breathe in the smoke and become separated from my body. I want an escape but not from life. I want to escape into a place filled with happiness and love.
Their eyes begin to laugh, knowing that what I long for doesn't exist. They are the only ones that are reality because they never leave and cannot be lost. Immortal, they say. I can't escape and I crawl farther into this body of flesh. I keep smiling and in private keep crying hoping someone will rescue me from all this pain.