mama
told me she bled too much today.
she told me
she lost her baby she didn't even know
was growing inside her.

my stomach sank into the depths of a red sea,
and i swear my heart just slipped away.
somewhere,
i don't know where,
i'm not sure where,
but it left me all alone.

when mama told me she bled
so much she lost my brother
or sister,
it made me do it.
she made me do it.
i just did it because
i could.

because when i would hear
the soothing lullabies of the angels
in the dark,
my wings would not sprout.
and i just cried
(cried cried oh my god why is this happening again)

when the manic
disappeared
and the panic came to play,
bringing along his friends
"suicidal"
("tendencies")
i just gave in.

so i
played with them.
with a sharp pair
of black scissors.
dark like my room,
right now,
dark.
empty.
blank.

and i bled so much
and shredded my skin apart
until i could see deeper than i should have
and my own blood
made me sick,
with clots of red
that oozed from the toilet paper i frantically searched for...

it all went black,
just like this room.
here and now.

mama told me
mama told me
mama just...
told me.