i. jenny's addiction

you used to think that the sky looked beautiful
upside-down since you get to sit on rain clouds,
chew on stars and kiss the moon.
you get to keep sunshine in shoeboxes
and paint the sky in your favorite color.

but when you moved to the city and
transferred to an all girls' school,
you eventually became anonymous.
it was a huge change for you because
at your old school, everyone wanted
to be your friend.

one time, when you forgot to do your
homework, your seatmates closed their
notebooks shut so that you wouldn't be
able to see their answers. it was horrible.
you had to go downstairs to copy
the motto from the bulletin board.

a classmate had to come fetch you
because it took you so long to do the task.
you kept on ripping the pages off
of your notebook since you couldn't
focus much and each design you made
with your crayons just didn't seem passable.

the nightmares started when you were only fourteen.
you were studying for a math exam and
when you realized that you were the only one awake,
you decided to take some rest, too.

you were lying on your bed with your eyes closed,
the formulas still fresh inside your mind.
you suddenly became paralyzed.
you couldn't move, much less breathe.
shadows caressed your skin.
it was just a touch, just a touch
but it haunted you ever since.

you began to believe that you weren't
good enough, that you were damaged
beyond repair and that nothing and no
one could possibly fix you.

you started to hang out with the bad crowd
and became greatly influenced by them.
rock and roll became your religion
and you had a tattoo of henry rollins
on your left breast just above your heart.

floating like a dead moth in the water and dizzy
from swallowing all of your sleeping pills
with vodka, you still thought that
the sky looked beautiful upside-down.