Sometimes I get so sad I feel like it's swallowing me up.
My parents are yelling at each other just for being angry.
Just like we used to.
I remember when I was 14 I got new sneakers and I thought they were really nice and my mom spent a lot of money on them, but then when I got home my sister said,
"Why are you wearing those things." and I pretended it didn't matter, but I was 14 and self-conscious and sad and it did. They gathered dust in my closet for almost four years before they finally went to charity and I still get upset about how nice my mom had tried to be in getting them.
And I choke back tears when she asks me to clean my art supplies off the table and I don't know why.
And I remember the gold earrings my dad bought me to wear to the Lion King when the Broadway show came to town, and how I had never really liked those tiny gold hoops, and how I didn't have the heart to tell him, and how I had sold them earlier this year to buy booze and numb… Everything. And I still feel bad.
And I remember how I used to slice up my arm just to control you, to control one thing, the most important thing I had. And I remember how exhilarating and wild and powerful it felt. And I remember realizing how crazy and selfish I was. And I remember how it got out of control. And I remember realizing I couldn't stop.
And I remember curling up with you in your hotel room when you came back to town and I remember the way our hope hung in the air so thick you could hardly breathe. And I remember how I wanted it to last. And I wanted for us to love each other always.
And I remember how I still always told you you weren't good enough.
And I remember throwing out the pictures. But I remember hiding the love notes. And I remember not being able to sell the ring.
And I remember far too much. And I hurt myself everyday. And it's not just you. It's my mom. It's my dad. It's the friends that I don't have any more. It's the broken promises on each and every end.
I'd say I miss who I was before, but I remember that person too, and I remember she is still just me.