lying on my back in bed&
you're already asleep so i can
shamelessly watch you as you breathe
even, peaceful, like you've never
had a nightmare in your life

i sit up, lean forward,
briefly consider slipping into the bathroom
to stick my finger down my throat
so i can satisfy my own obsession
with punishment

but my jaw still hurts from earlier
because you took too long to come
and i didn't want to say anything
for fear of making you feel guilty

so instead i'll stay here next to you,
curled into fetal position
until morning shatters this silence

&i can pretend
that everything is fine
like i always swore it would be