Chapter I

University. New day, new life. It appeared to me as spring mist of flowers and harmony in the air, even though it was only dull fall-semester. That part of me has not changed at all in any way possible. I still use the same expressive words and speech pattern I was so fervent about during grade school. Mother used to assign me about 30 words a day for me to use in daily conversations. I would acquire them every single day, without hesitation. One day of discontinuing my little ritual, meant to be unable to imply my growing-to-be- perfect vocabulary. My mother always used to tell me about how words change the way of looking at things. They change your whole background and attitude. "They assure you grow up to be a successful professional at anything you strive to achieve, Miss Montserrat" Her peculiar way of lecturing made me exactly want try my hardest at school, it was what I was only made to accomplish. I wanted to be a "successful professional at anything I strived to achieve", in fact.

Today, all these aspirations of both my mother and her faithful daughter were just about to start. I had made my way to Princeton University, not too far away from my hometown of New York. For a start, I thought it would be a lovely chance to meet people at my level, for once. Intellectually, I smelled challenge everywhere and I valued it. It was also a different life and environment to the extreme level. I was also aware about the stereotypes society seems to exchange about when referring to Ivy leaguers like the one I was about to become and it actually reassured me about knowing exactly the place where I wanted to be. Montserrat Morris was certainly not going anywhere.

After a vast time of rambling thoughts, I headed my way to the class I was given for my first year schedule. The school population itself looked quite normal to me, just like high school. Though, I luckily did not have to battle with the frustrating slowness in the hallway. It appeared as if everyone knew their place, they were focused and passed every corner of the building with solemn confidence. Of course I was not going to be the only one to freak out for not finding the right classroom to head towards. I was also calm and regal, that was the personality I had made for myself... and I quite enjoyed it.

It was purely because of the quite and reserved girl I seemed to portray in the past. No one quite acknowledged me for anything. I recall this one day, in grade school as well, when I won the Spelling Bee. I remember there were 5 finalists. Three of us were the outcasts and the other two were the 'coolest' kids around. In that same grade, there was a section from the same Spelling Bee program that congratulated 'the sympathy and eagerness to win' of a certain competitor which was obviously won by someone else who was additionally claimed to be the 'talent of the year' for our school. Then I, poor filler-girl Monty received two simple pink flowers from the beautifully maintained garden of the school, it was really kept wonderfully by the older kids and teachers at the time. Yes, that was slightly exaggerated; the flowers were a marvelous prize for 7-year old me. What I wanted to state is that changing was ok before, I was weak, not now. I trust the new me, which is not as new now, I've been living with this encountered personality for about four years now. Control and not letting go of emotions was the light for the old darkness I had felt before. At least for now….I think.