I deserve it

when even I start thinking

of myself as a waste of space, when daddy

tells me I should never have

been born, while I cower

in my room to hide from the beatings,

though I know it must've been something

I did, maybe I forgot to pick up my toys or

even forgot to ask before grabbing that juice

out of the fridge- my mind tells me

that I'm a bad daughter, I must've deserved

every hit, every threat, I probably do

it on purpose, maybe I love the way it feels,

the way the bruises look when they contrast

purple against my skin, maybe I deserve it

because mommy doesn't see, doesn't believe

when I say sissy joins in too-like the time

she tried to slice open my throat, when I dream

I feel phantom hands around my throat, remember

the time when he tried to hang himself, It was probably

my fault, I didn't love him enough,

I can still hear words echo: useless,

worthless, hopeless, but I finally

did something right, I became the

lost cause they always wanted me to be,

self-destruction is now my specialty, I mix pain

pills and alcohol relishing in the numbness, the emptiness

in my head as the voices finally stop talking, the void

that resembles my stomach from days of not eating because

of the self-loathing, the judgments of people around me, I tear

open my wrists in perfect parallels, crimson gushing out with

the chance to see the fat underneath, just a little deeper and I can see

the pretty blue of the vein, but once

again I find myself rebelling, becoming

stronger than they ever could imagine.