"Mmm..." I snuggle closer to my warm nest of blanket, couch, and stuffed animals.
"Go away.." I mumble and let out a sigh as I find my comfy place.
I doze off for a few seconds and I feel someone sit down next to me. My mother?
"Wha'..?" I mumble to the person, refusing to move a muscle. They remain silent. "Who is I'?"
"Lan." I jerk right up and stare at him. "He told me what happened yesterday." He stares at me with his blue eyes, they aren't really curious, nor do they seem as hurt as they did before, but there is very little trust in them.
"... And...?" I know he won't say it. I know what he wants me to do.
"And it's up to you where this relationship should go." He brings his left hand up and he cups my right cheek, "I can't stand being away from you, but if I can't trust you with my heart then I'll just have to find a way around it."
My own heart clenches even more tightly and refuses to beat happily. He's here, he's giving me a chance, I need to take it. But how? How can I take it knowing how I am?
"... I wish you could..." I tear my gaze from his eyes and I lower them to my lap, "I love you, but you can't trust me. I can't trust me." I smile and let out a small laugh while my cheeks start burning red and my eyes well up with tears.
"... Lita, are you sure?" He wants me to say it, he wants me to take him out on a date.
"... We love each other, but... I don't think we can give each other what we need. I cheated on you, with your brother, and I still feel guilty about it. You still feel regret for leaving me there with the opportunity. We can't move past it, Lan. We want to, but we don't know how. And your mother has already excused me from Christmas... I think she already knew where this relationship was going..." Tears slip down my cheeks and I sniffle a bit. I let out a sob as I bring my knees up and I hide my face from him.
"... Lita, I love you. I only care what you think, not what anyone else thinks. If you truly think that we can't give each other what we need then I will leave." His words tell me that I'm right, but his tone is begging me to say something else.
"Lan... I..." There are so many options, so many possibilities, we could be happy, we could never see each other again, we could... we could... "We need to move on." I finally tell him what I have been dreading him saying to me. Now we both know what we already knew but could never admit.
"Lita." He simply says my name, clearly hoping this short pause will make me change my mind, but I can't.
I lift my head up and I stare into his eyes. There is enough pain between the two of us to create another person, to end a life, to take two wrongs and make a right. But we can't. It's not that neither of us will take that step, though that is part of it, it's that we can't make a right from my wrong. There is only one wrong in this relationship, and I can't make a right from it.
"Lan, we can't try anymore. It has been... been tense and guilt over both our heads and I know you have been thinking about killing your brother no matter how much you will never do it or mean it. We are over and nothing can fix it. It was my fault and mine alone and I hate that you are getting burn in this hellish fire too. I hope we won't see each other, because I already know how that is going to feel."
"It's going to feel like the world has been turned upside down and we should be married." He smiles a bit, he always knew everything. And he already knew this end, just like his mother.
For the past year I have been going to AA, even though I am not an alcoholic. I have been trying to right a wrong that has been so far gone in my past that I shouldn't even be trying anymore. But I can't help it. I'm still apart of the guilty party. I was drunk when I had sex with Kei, and as much as I want to blame it completely on the alcohol I know I have more than enough blame on my own.
I haven't heard from Lan or Kei or any of their family members since. I haven't seen any of them either. It's a blessing in disguise. My father is constantly telling me how stupid I am to have given up on Lan, to not have given Kei a proper chance, to not already be married and happy. I sigh and drink my cola and ignore him. It's the only thing I can do.
It's not really a bad thing that I've done here. It's not a good thing either, but it's not so terrible a bad thing that I should be so deeply condemned. And to be honest I have sought help in many religious places. Okay, two. A Jewish church and a Catholic church. I'm neither of those religions but it did sort of help to see it through people of faiths eyes, and they suggested I go to a SA group meeting too. I am not addicted to sex. I am not a sexaholic. I am... normal for a woman my age. I hope.
Actually, this whole year I have been completely celibate; I haven't even dated anyone. I have been properly grieving and giving myself time to find out what it is I want, what I need, and I have been making lists. So far my NEED list really needs to be cut down. I have nearly sixty-seven things on it, and it's just my 'What I Need in a MAN' list! Celibacy has not been kind to that list...
This Christmas I will be spending it in Times Square, alone. But I don't fear being alone anymore. Of course I want companionship, but I don't NEED it as desperately as I did years ago. Oh, so many years ago... It feels like those years were a dream up until my nightmare. I see men on the street and I mentally compare them to Lan. I can't help it, I was with him for so long that he's my standard. There aren't enough men like him.
At first I was skeptical when AA told us to keep a diary, but I can see why people keep them now. It really helps clear the mind. All those cluttered thoughts can go elsewhere and all you have to worry about is not letting anyone see the fantasy pages. AA... I'm not an alcoholic... I should probably start seeing a psychologist. It's scary thinking I might need that but with my huge need list I need to talk to someone. My friends were Lan's and they picked his side easily, my family is small and getting smaller... I suppose that is why I should see one.
Hopefully next time I open this book when I'm back from Times Square I'll be happier. Certainly not healthier. I can't wait to eat the 'exotic' foods of New York~ Here's to a good New Year, diary. Hope you don't get lonely without me.