I miss you a lot. I know that we're still good friends, and I know that we talk a lot, and I know that nothing's changed from when we were in a relationship thingy, but that's not what I miss. I miss the hope that I had when we were in a relationship thingy that it would eventually turn from "thingy" to "relationship." But it never did.
A lot of that's my fault, honestly. And I accept that. Basically our entire relationship was us trying to figure out how to function in a relationship, and me being terrified to tell you how I felt, how much I cared about you, because I feared coming across as clingy. I assume you kind of felt the same way, seeing as you never showed any more affection than I did. We were chickens.
All through those ten months, I was clinging to the hope that things would change, that you'd suddenly start showing affection in some way, shape, or form, but that never happened. I hoped that I would do the same, which also never happened. What I'm asking for now is a second chance at all that.
I realize that I'm in the exact same place now as I was a year ago, when I resolved to ask you out myself (something that also never happened. Are you seeing a pattern here?). I don't feel any differently now than I did then, or any time we were "together." That being said, it would mean the world to me if we could just give things another try.
I realize now a lot of things I did wrong, and how to fix them. (If you were to ask, I could give you an extensive list, but I really don't feel the need to do that here.) If we were to try this whole dating adventure again, I'm sure that things would be better than they were. If you still feel the same way, that is. Seeing as you're the one who decided to cut your losses and go, that's the one thing that I'm not sure about. But I can't dwell on that, or else I'll never ask you this and I'll forever doubt everything and blah blah blah like last time. I've learned that taking risks is an important part in this big weird thing called life.
And if you don't want to give this whole relationship another go, I understand completely. Really, I just feel a lot better knowing that I tried to fix things between us, instead of recessing into my usual passive ways of just listening to sad music and bottling up everything. That being said, if you don't want to try this again, I'd really like to just put this whole thing as water under the bridge (as we've said, I'm really good at repressing and getting rid of my emotions) and stay in the friendship we've had going for the past year or so. Assuming you say no, I'll proceed with getting over you posthaste. Again, I'm partially doing this out of love, partially out of self-respect. Think the ending of the movie adaptation of Scott Pilgrim.
Anyway, let me know. And regardless of what decision you make, thank you for hearing me out, and thank you for being wonderful.
I ripped the piece of paper from the notebook, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it towards the trash can. It bounced off the rim and onto the floor.
Was I really so naïve to believe that he would suddenly change his ways and sweep me off my feet because I wrote him a stupid letter? I couldn't even get together the courage to even talk to the guy about it. When he broke up with me, the first words out of my mouth were, "I feel like I have goosebumps on my face." I certainly wasn't the most composed or eloquent person at the time.
My stomach still does that stupid fluttery thing whenever I see him. It's stupid, I'm trying to fix it, trying to be just as apparently apathetic as he is. It's not going very well.