December 14, 2012
Pregnant...50 percent chance...mine...
Those were the words I saw flash across the status bar on my phone when you finally texted me. I'd been waiting almost a week to hear from you. The last thing I heard from you was that you were at work. That was Sunday night. I texted you on Monday. Nothing. Again on Tuesday asking if you worked the upcoming weekend, and if not, if you wanted to do the tour of lights. Alas, I got the same result. I didn't want to send another after that. Not until you responded. I was new at this. Nothing worse than me coming off annoying or like I was nagging at you. My friends said you were probably busy, or something came up; that I shouldn't worry.
But I did. I worried that I had said or done something wrong with you. That it made you rethink how you felt about me and, ultimately, us. My gut was telling me something was wrong, and if it wasn't me... I figured it was something to do with your ex. I didn't know why I felt it, but I did.
So there I was, walking around like a chicken with its head cut off looking for a place to sit down. My legs were starting to turn to jello and my heart was racing because I was scared to read the texts all the way through. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. Nothing that had the words "pregnant" or "mine" in it would be good when talking to the girl you were interested in. Especially when I'm a virgin and we hadn't gone on a date yet. And I knew I wasn't pregnant by immaculate conception, so that left only one option...
After barreling out of the shopping center, I finally found a bench next to the fountain in the middle of the park. Collapsing onto it, I sat the shopping bags on the ground between my feet and pulled my phone out of my back pocket once more. Trying to control my breathing, as I sounded like someone on the verge of a panic attack, I opened your messages.
So miss Ali I have to tell you somethin. For 1 I do work this weekend and for 2 I am currently helping that ex get better. She came to me a couple weeks ago homeless freezing and she said she is pregnant. Yikes! I really don't think it's mine but of course there is a 50 percent chance that it is. Im sure you've noticed me not texting you as much cuz I am dealing with her dumbness. She has been living on my couch and hurting cuz she lost me and Im refusing to take her back. She is doing better with drugs since she found out and plus did all sorts of state funded medical and benefits all by herself. I just have to feed her and put up with her for now! Im way too nice! Im sorry I held it from you for the last 2 weeks. My balls are in another vice with this one! But those other gross people are finally gone fully ha
That euphoric bubble I had been in concerning you for the past few months had burst.
I could feel my tears burning as I tried my damnedest not to break down in public. How embarrassing would that have been? Everywhere I looked people were happy. From the group of guys in very tight and colorful speedos (I swore one looked naked from where I sat), to the little girl wanting to jump in, looking back at her parents, giggling and smiling as they cheered her on, phones at the ready to snap the picture. Hell, even the couple that seemed to be in an argument looked happier than I felt at that moment. Normally, the sights in front of me would have made me smile.
But of course not. I was too busy feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach with a bowling ball (was that what bowling pins felt like?). They always said to trust your gut, right? Well, it sucked when the gut was right. I knew it, but I didn't want to believe it's warning until you said something.
I have no clue how long I sat there, staring into space like some kind of weirdo. I'm sure I gathered a few stares from people, wondering what was wrong with me. I'd have probably tuned them out anyways, if they asked. I was like a zombie. Just... there, with nothing but air filling my head.
I didn't text you back. I couldn't. Being a bit juvenile, I figured if you could wait until I decided it was time to respond. You made me wait five days, so I figured you could wait however long I saw fit.
I forwarded Meg the texts, but she was at work and couldn't be reached until later. Then I texted Angie, letting her know I had finally heard from you, but it wasn't all hunky dory. She asked what happened, so I sent her the texts, too. It only took her a couple minutes to respond back.
Well...let's hope to god it's not his! But at least he was finally honest with you tho it really shouldn't have taken that long...this really is a pickle.
My fingers were shaking so bad as I tried texting her back, but failing. Miserably. Nothing I typed was readable. So, I called her instead. Maybe hearing her voice would help me out. I needed...something. I went shopping alone. I didn't have anyone with me to be able to literally hold my hand through this. Getting restless, I got up from my spot on the bench, gathering all my bags and heading for my car like a bat out of hell. If I happened to break down over the phone with her, I'd rather have done it in the little privacy the car provided than the public bench with every single happy person alive that seemed to gather there.
She picked up and I could barely talk. I didn't know if it was from shock or me trying to be strong, but she understood. She just talked about everything and anything. She knew it was going to be a tough situation because of how happy you made me. But she also knew how stubborn I was, and how much I had already come to care for you. She said I should just give it some time to think things over and proceeded to take my mind off of it.
We hung up, but my emotions were still all over the place. By then, I was at my car. I put the bags in the back and went to the drivers seat. My body just sank into the seat, as if it wouldn't be able to support my weight if I were to stand one more second. I turned the car on, but didn't make a move to put it in gear. Instead, I rested my head on the door window, staring blankly at anything, everything, and nothing at the same time. I was blank.
You made me happy. Happier than any other guy had ever made me. My mom and some other family members knew about you. For me, that was huge. I rarely ever told my mom about guys I was interested in, let alone one that felt the same about me. If this whole...speed bump...became the reason everything between us stopped before it even fully began, I'd be crushed.
"Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line came on the radio and made a fresh wave of tears well in my eyes. As much as I loved my country music, I couldn't deal with hearing it at the moment and turned the radio off and put One Direction on. "Cruise" was your song for me. You told me I was the "song that made you wanna roll your windows down and cruise". Was I still?
I realized I still needed someone to talk to. My best friend hadn't met you yet, since she lived out of town with her fiance, so I couldn't talk to her for the best advice on the situation. I needed someone that met you, was a good judge of character, and would listen and give the best advice they could about the situation.
I needed Natalie; my owl.
I sent her a text, saying I finally heard from you. She asked me to elaborate. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to forward the texts again. Not knowing if she was still in class or not, I told her I'd fill her in later. God answered one of my prayers when she sent back a text telling me to call her. So I did. Hearing her concerned voice on the other end was like my moms when I got hurt and she asked, "What's wrong?"
My throat closed, burning as I suppressed any sobs that would escape. I wanted to be strong. At twenty-three, almost twenty-four, I was a big girl. Or so I kept telling myself in my head. My mouth would open and close like a fish's as I tried to speak. Sighs and choked up sounds were the only things that did for the first few minutes. When I was finally able to get words out of my mouth, I read her your text. She asked how long ago you sent it and if I had texted back. I hadn't, and an hour or so had passed since. I told her I didn't want to sound like I was pissed off or a bitch.
And... I was scared.
Calmly, she told me that even though you've told me about her and included me on things before (like when you once again told her she lost her chance with you, that you met an Ali girl that made you smile and made your cheeks hurt, and she left you a voicemail saying she wanted to "be your Ali"; when you would run into her and she'd try to make you think she was the girl you used to love, but her anger and attitude said she was still using; when she threatened to move to Texas if you wouldn't take her back, and you told her to go; and when she helped you out with your scumbag roommate problems. Who you just so happened to deal with because of her), that I now had a right to know everything. She told me to text you back, asking how far along she was, and that be it. It may have come off a tad bitchy, but, it was something I needed to know.
I had to go, but I told her I would still text her and keep her updated. I knew she'd be there to listen and help me through it all. She was amazing at that. So much wiser than most twenty year olds.
My hands were sweaty as I played with my phone. I was nervous, but would you have blamed me? Biting my lip, I asked you how far along she was. I debated for a moment, wondering whether I should add anything to it, or delete it completely. I kept it, though, and sent it. I just had to wait for your reply.
My stomach was in knots as the minutes passed. Like the butterflies you put in my stomach before were trapped in a net instead of fluttering around freely. I couldn't stay in one spot any longer, otherwise I'd have been tempted to just stare at my phone until your name popped up in the status bar; however long that would take.
I met my mom at the grocery store, since we had some time to kill before picking up my dad to go to dinner. I did my best to hide the turmoil I was going through. My happy-yet-indifferent face was on. I couldn't let her get any clue that there was something wrong, because I had a feeling she would judge the entire situation and make me doubt everything.
Just didn't help that the store we went to was the one where my friend worked. The friend that played matchmaker at the bar the night we met, drunk off our asses. I still had no idea what he said to you that night to convince you to meet me, or why you let a complete stranger introduce you to someone you didn't even know. But, I was glad he found you and you went with the flow (even if he had to buy you a shot to get on the dance floor with me). If he was working and asked me how things with you were going, I would have cracked.
Thankfully he wasn't working, because my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was you.
Like 3 month she says. But she has a due date of early June I guess which really puts me in the running but deep down I doubt it.
I stuffed the phone away, not responding, but mentally doing the math in my head. We had met, a little over three months before. So, even though we hadn't talked everyday like we had been, did you two sleep together after we had met? Or was it just before? I couldn't really be made if it was the prior. We weren't together together. We didn't have that boyfriend-girlfriend label. So technically, I had no true claim on you. Plus, I made out (heavily) and more with another guy on a street corner next to the party bus, outside a shady looking bar, about twenty minutes after I met and planted a big ol' wet one on you. I'd have been a hypocrite if I held anything that happened between you two against you.
My butt vibrated again. There was another message from you, probably since I hadn't replied back.
I felt like I knew you enough to know that you were going through Hell. You probably thought I was pissed at you, but in actuality, I wasn't. Overwhelmed? Yeah. Shocked? Absolutely. But pissed? Surprisingly not. So I texted you back, hoping that my immediate response could somehow show you that I was still there.
I'm hurt that you felt like you couldn't tell me before now.
Your response came back shortly after, making me hope that you had been waiting for my text like I had been waiting for yours the entire week.
I didn't know if it was a trick of hers to get me back at first, now I still think it is cuz she thinks its mine but I think the timing is slightly off.
So we were on the same page about something, at least.
Well that was my initial thought but didn't wanna come off as a cold hearted bitch. That was the last thing I wanted you to see me as.
I wouldn't blame you. I'm lost in my situation.
I knew you were probably torn. You were a sweetheart, just trying to do the right thing. Your world had been turned upside down with everything. Of course, you were going to feel lost. I just didn't want you to freeze me out of your life. I liked you too much for it to not hurt if you threw in the towel. I told you before I was bad with expressing my feelings, but I needed to let you know that I still had feelings for you.
Well...don't shut me out. Because I still really like you. A lot. That one date I've been on? Similar situation.
You didn't respond after that. Although I wanted to talk to you more, it was probably for the best that day. You finally told me what was going on, which probably took a good deal of weight off your shoulders. It was where we went from there that was the next hurdle.
While following my mom around the store, Natalie kept texting me, trying to brighten my spirits. It worked for the most part. The corners of my lips would quirk, but the light in my eyes was missing and the smile wouldn't even come close to reaching my eyes. I had put on a mask to hide the hurt and pain.
That mask stayed on my face throughout dinner with my parents. I didn't eat much, but I played it off that I wasn't hungry (even though it was the first thing I had eaten at all that day). In fact, I hadn't eaten much throughout the week, resulting in losing just over six pounds in five days. Not exactly the healthy way to have done it. I almost cried a couple times; my mom noticing the tears in my eyes and questioning me about it. I claimed my contacts were bothering me all day. She gave me a funny look, like she didn't fully believed me, but I persisted that it was just that. I didn't want to let them know and paint a bad picture of you in my parents' eyes.
We left shortly after, and I let a few tears fall in the car on the drive home. No matter how hard I tried, everything from the day was in the front of my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My best friend texted me on the way home, and I gave her a condensed version of what was going on.
Then I asked her if I was crazy for still wanting to be with you, if you gave me the chance.
Yeah... I wanted to be with you. I still do.
The more I thought about the situation, I realized that when you initially texted me that day, the first thing that went through my head wasn't "I can't do this" or thinking it was a deal breaker for you. Not even close. Maybe it was you saying you doubted the baby was yours because of the timing, or maybe it was you saying you were still refusing to take her back, which was ultimately what she wanted, that made the first thought run through my mind being "Do you still want to give us a try?".
I got home and got on Skype like normal, just changing my availability status to Do Not Disturb. I didn't want to fake being happy go lucky around my friends on there. If I talked to them, I'd initiate it. A couple of them knew about what happened when I texted them during dinner, but not everyone. I told those that knew not to hate you, because I didn't.
The more time I had to think about it, the more I realized I wasn't ready to give up on what we had brewing. You were everything I didn't realize I was looking for. You always knew the right words to say to make me smile. I looked forward to seeing your texts in the morning, whether they were a simple "Good morning" or a reply to something I said the night before. Not getting them anymore made me realize just how much they made my day brighter. It may have been a bit selfish of me, but I wanted you to keep on making me smile so hard my cheeks hurt, to plan that date we were trying to get on between work schedules, and to just keep me on cloud nine.
Besides, wasn't the message in all the romance books and movies I read and watch tell me that if you care about someone enough, you fight like hell for them? That you couldn't just let them slip away when the waters got rough?
Did Rose stay on the lifeboat as the Titanic sank, staring into Jack's eyes, knowing there was only a slight chance he'd survive? No. She propelled herself back onto a sinking ship for him. He jumped, she jumped.
After reigniting the old flames and learning the truth, did Ally leave Noah for her fiance? No. She took the path that was an uphill battle, instead of the easier choice. She realized that while some of the most heartbreaking times where with Noah, they also shared the most amazing times together.
Even Romeo and Juliet fought to be with each other. Granted, they ended up being together forever in death, but still. Juliet faked her own death to get out of an arranged marriage to Paris to be able to spend her life with Romeo. He was banished yet still coming up with a plan to be with Juliet. Not to mention the little fact that they had to deal with their families being enemies added another difficulty to their relationship.
You were my countrified Romeo. And I wanted nothing more than to be your country loving Juliet. When you and your wing-man met up with Natalie and I at a college hockey game, she told me that you were mesmerized by me. Days and weeks later, you showed that you noticed the little things about me from that night, proving you actually took notice of me and it mattered. She also told me I lit up whenever I spoke about you, or talked to you. We really were like Romeo and Juliet; he couldn't take his eyes off of her at the Capulet's ball, and she lit up whenever he was mentioned.
Maybe our stars were crossed, too, and fate was going to be cruel regarding our relationship by bringing this ex drama into it. But we could find a way to prove that love (or at least strongly liking) conquered all.
There were still so many questions I had that needed answering; about her, about us, about everything. Even with the obstacles looking like it would be a climb to rival Mount Everest, I was more resolved than ever to fight for you. Maybe your ex thought this would scare me off, and you wouldn't have had a distraction in her plot to get you back. She had another thing coming. The loyalty I have for the people that mattered to me was astounding, and I would do anything for them. If she had a problem with me, she was going to be in for a suprise. She hadn't met a pissed off Ali before. And I'd be damned if she used your heart of gold to drag you into her fucked up web.
So, the ball is in your court. I'm willing to deal with every curve ball life's going to throw at us. I just need you to talk to me and keep me in the loop. You not talking to me hurts worse than if you are the father. I fell hard, and I fell fast. But I don't regret anything concerning you. You're honestly the best thing to have danced into my life. I want to sing along to our favorite country songs and watch NFL games on the weekend with you. I want you to sing Chris Young into my ear again as we dance. If you need time to take a step back and figure things out, I'll wait. You once told me you would always wait for me, so I'm going to do the same. Just let me know where I stand in your eyes.
For once in my life, I'm putting my heart fully into someone else's hands. You have the power to make it grow or to break it into a million pieces. I'm as prepared as anyone can be to possibly have their heart broken, even though it'll hurt like a bitch if that happens.
Hunter Hayes said it best in his latest single...
If you're gonna be somebody's heartbreak, be mine.
Disclaimer: I do not own Florida Georgia Line, One Direction, or Hunter Hayes.
Everything above is 100% true. Only the mall was changed to the fountain/park to fit the prompt. Some names have been changed to protect identities.