Redemption

This is my life, not as it was, but how it really is. How can I face
myself every day? Knowing that what I do will reflect on the entire
day. How I wish that I could start over, just erase the monster I am,
the shadow of a human that I used to be. I need a clean slate, I need
a way back to the past, to see the child I was, and grow into the man
I know I can be. Redemption. Is it so far from my reach? Why must it
be this way? Why must I be a creature of darkness every second of my
life? Why must the pain hurt so much? Can I be saved from the
bottomless abyss of death? Where this life will take me, I don't
know, but if I want the redemption I desire, I must follow a
different path. For so long I have been on the dark path, groping
through the murky blackness for an answer. Can I be forgiven for the
wrongs I have committed? For the thought-crimes I wanted to fulfill
in my darkest dreams? The entire planet itself adds its scent of
death and sin to my pain. They have so much potential, but it tears
at my heart that they don't see it in themselves, but at the same
time I want to destroy them for all that they have done. To see the
world burn for its sin, its darkness, for submitting so easily to the
evil that controls, that enslaves their minds. To save no one, and
then for me to die with them. I want everything to end on my time. I
want it all to burn, burn, burn forever. But then I awake. Everything
is still the same, the evil still penetrates the earth, darkness
still reigns, sin still abounds. What can I do? I want to do
something do stop the pain. It hurts so badly. My loved ones fear for
my life, they can see that I'm not the same person they used to
know. Even my brother pleads for me to listen, but his cries go
unanswered, and at the same time, one thing goes through my mind,
WHY!, why do I do these things, why do I cause him pain? Answer me,
ANSWER me, ANSWER ME! No one hears my silent screams, the question
goes unanswered, and any hope of redemption, fades back into my
subconscious, back into my dreams, where sometimes, just for a
moment, I can find a little peace. This is the real world, and here
it seems I am powerless. Or am I? What if I accepted the salvation
offered me, what if I started down the path of light, what if I
became the man that I know I can be, what if I see the day, where I
finally am free of the darkness that binds my heart, and crushes my
spirit, and forces me to shut myself off from life, and then
ultimately compels me to want to destroy the world and to let it
burn? What if? What if? Isn't redemption worth it, isn't
salvation worth fighting for, isn't it worth destroying myself for,
isn't worth the sacrifice, the time, the pain, the agony of this
false reality we exist in? Isn't that worth what my life costs,
isn't it? Isn't it worth every fiber of my being to rise above
myself, to become more than what my forefathers sin limited me to?
To be perfect, balanced, in my right mind, at peace with all? I think
so, I really do, I know I do.