The Misadventures of Todd and Danny
The Start of A Pointless, Yet Slightly Amusing, Story
"It's gotta be soccer." Todd said, scratching his face.
"No way, golf is far worse than soccer." Danny replied vigorously.
"Soccer is a game where people kick a ball around for four hours and tie 0-0, it's only fun if a riot starts and half of Argentina dies."
Danny shook his head. "Okay, man, picture a termite eating a piece of shit, then vomiting it back up and having sex with it, then picking up the vomit in its mouth, walking five miles -and remember how long it would take for a termite to walk five miles- then placing the vomit back down, and having sex with it again. Repeat this process for two days, and you would know what it's like to watch a golf tournament." He raised his bushy eyebrows to accentuate his point.
Would you two get back to... What were you even doing before?
Tall, lean Danny and short, dark Todd both flipped off the sky simultaneously. "Shut up, Narrator," Todd said, "It's annoying enough to hear you giving us advice all the time, but we're having a serious conversation here."
Let's just agree that soccer and golf both suck. The aliens aren't going to wait forever.
The dark boy cocked his head. "Aliens? You never mentioned aliens before."
Yeah, but I forgot what you were supposed to do, so I'm improvising. Now keep walking, take the next left. *Clears throat*
The boys seemed to debate with themselves whether or not to follow my orders before just deciding to go with it. They continued walking along the sidewalk, arguing about what sport was the worst. Suddenly, a dick-shaped, wait, my bad. Disk-shaped ship appeared in the sky and began to fire off green beams into the city.
Danny sighed and cracked his knuckles. "Narrator, I'm going to do something horrible to you. I don't know exactly what it's going to be, but I know that it's going to involve a scalpel, my teeth, scissors, honey, and a pair of dancing lesbian hyenas."
A green beam gouged a tunnel underneath their feet, causing the ground to collapse. They fell, too surprised to cry out. The shaft went deeper than it should have, far deeper than the beam had bored. Wait, that just sounds weird. The vertical tunnel was... No, that doesn't work. The hole seemed to go straight to the center of the... Fuck it, the ground reformed beneath their feet, and the ship blew up.
Danny collapsed onto the ground in a quivering heap, but Todd managed to stay on his feet. "What destroyed the ship though?"
"Todd, don't question him, it's going to end badly." Danny rose up shakily.
Hmmm... You pose a good question there. Vampires!
A swarm of bats swarmed out of the sky and began to gnaw away at the buildings and the people inside.
What kind of sense does that make? Vampires and aliens? How about Jesus?
A white, purifying light shone out of the sky, burning all of the bats to ash. A bearded man slowly descended, walking down a staircase made of clouds. Danny was too confused to do anything, bu Todd knew exactly what his course of action should be, he knelt.
"No he didn't." Todd said.
But it's Jesus!
"I'm Jewish, Narrator."
"It's not silent if you say 'Awkward silence.'"
Jesus reached the ground. He was now standing directly in front of the two boys. Danny was still confused, but Todd only had one thought on his mind, and it was... And it was... Dammit, Todd, work with me!
"Hmm? Oh, right. Ummm... Damn, he's short." Tod regreted that statement as soon as he said it. "No, he didn't. People were about 6 inches shorter 2000 years ago, Jesus only comes up to my shoulder, but that was average in his day."
... Jesus just shook his head and smiled. And then he spoke. His voice wasn't just a voice, hearing it was like getting a blowjob from a hybrid clone of Marilyn Monroe and Halle Berry while having thick, syrupy heroin injected into your veins under a warm summer sun. He said: "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks."
Would Jesus say that?
"Not a chance."
Fuck it, Chuck Norris burst through a wall and punched Jesus in the back of his neck.
To be continued...
"But you wrote like, half a page." Todd said. I ignored him.