Rude Awakening

Wednesday, November 21st


I opened the cabinet to see that there were no more potato chips. The cereal looked forty years past expiration date (which it probably was), the candy jar was ransacked (figures) and it smelled of cat urine. I sighed and shut the cabinet, coughing a little because of the dust. Boy, I really needed to clean the place. Captain Crunch glared at me through the mahogany walls daring me too. Somehow the older version of him creeped me out therefore I never even tried to move him. He didn't bother to talk to me and I didn't even bother to talk to him. We're frienemies, but I'm still working on it.

Venus rubbed against my legs purring up a storm. I think she still thinks there is Friskies up there. But then I felt the warm liquid seep into my socks. I jumped like three feet into the air then glared at the vanilla/lavender calico sitting at my feet calmly like nothing had happened. Those were my only pair of shoes! I quickly bent down, took my shoes and socks off and flung them at her. She barked at me. Yeah, you heard me, barked. Venus is a dog at heart and there is nothing else to say about it. Then she regained her posture and pranced over to the torn up couch.

I felt icky. The garbage man stopped coming years ago and it led me to create one big compost pile in what used to be a huge, lush garden. Not long after that everyone lingered off to other places. I think the only pro was that Venus stopped barking at the mailman (which I think creeped him out more than any other strange encounters he had). Then today the shower broke. It's now leaking water into the basement. I just hope the toilet doesn't break next. Basically, my whole house is decaying around me.

I went into my bedroom and gently shut the door, not sure if the hinges supported it anymore. The walls were peach colored although some spots (and I mean huge spots) were peeled away revealing the ugly, puke green beneath it (and just a teensy weensy bit of mold as well). I sauntered over to my bed, passing the giant mirror stuck to the wall by aging. I did look like a mess. My medium golden blond hair was pulled back into a low ponytail and I counted a few pimples on my chin and face. My clothes were not really coordinated. I had outgrown my baby clothes a long time ago so I had to make do with what was left behind. Which were undeniably all men's clothes.

I sighed again (I tend to do that a lot now for no apparent reason) then plopped down on my bed, hearing a satisfactory chink of the springs being strained. Woo, point for Clary! Take that, sukkah bed! Soon, I found myself falling asleep after what I said to myself every night: Mommy will come back tomorrow Clary. Mommy will come back tomorrow.

"This is way different from when I saw it then," a voice said.

"Yeah," another said, "I wonder what happened to it."

"No," another voice started to protest, "I'm not going to-"

"Yeah we are!" Another voice squealed. "I love it already!"

"It looks like it needs to be torn down," the first voice said, "but remodeling could always be a start." The voice sounded desperate.

"Dad," the third voice said, "it smells like cat shit and piss in here. We can't stay."


"Fine, fine. I get the bigger room then."

"Aw!" The whiney voice said. "That's no fair!"

I blinked a couple of times. What the heck was going on? Was I imagining this? I must totally be going crazy now…

There was another pause of silence and I just shook my head and tried to go back to sleep. Then my door slammed. Plink! Darn, one of the hinges broke. I owe Captain Crunch breakfast now.

But then everything clicked into place. What if these guys were robbers? Mommy had always told me about how people wanted gold and precious metals from her house and that there was a humongous laser grid protecting the whole thing. I stayed still in my bed, rigid in fear. Then something hit me hard in the stomach. This was the end! Oh Lord, I hope you send all my love to Mommy and Daddy for me! I let out a scream. Wood cracked and the bed split in half, sending me tumbling to the floor. Do you know how hard it is to carry a queen sized bed up a flight of stairs? Yeah, well now my proudest achievement is broken and left in chips.

"What the fuck!" The voice cursed. I opened my eyes to see that I was indeed alive. Only I tasted blood in my mouth and saw a gash on my arm. Other than that I was fine. Well, then there was this giant boy looming over me, his arms trapping me under him.

"Am I dead?" I murmured not believing it. "Because you are the most beautiful guy I've ever seen." Reminded me of one of my mom's magazine in a way. He looked like this one guy she'd always point out in the store. The teenage Alex Pettyfer I think.

He got off me but not without pushing me in the process.

"Who are you?"

"Names Clary."

"What are you doing here?"

"I live here." I said flatly.

"No, you don't." He stated. "I do."

"Well then we're just going to live together then, huh?" I said not wanting to hear it.

"Go away homeless person or I'll call the cops." I wasn't homeless. I was actually living in this very house, and then he decided to come along and say it was his and try to kick me out, when, in fact, it was mine. I've been living here since I was a child. Don't have the proof with me but I could tell you a whole heck of a lot that you would believe me. I was about to make a comment on it but instead something else popped out of my mouth.

"What are cops? Some kind of chocolate?"

"You've got to be kidding me."

"No, last time I checked you were a teenager."

"Seriously?" He questioned.

"Well yeah, unless you think your body is hiding from you."

"No! I didn't mean that!"

"Then what do you mean?"

"You don't know what cops are?"

"Well yeah, I mean if it's not chocolate it must be a furniture or car brand."

"Police?" He inquired.

"Poo Lice? Why would you want to call the Poo Lice? I mean I understand that this place doesn't meet other houses expectations, but I have been cleaning up after Venus if that is what you're implying. Venus doesn't have worms either." He just stared at me.

"Mom!" He called.

"Just a minute!"

"Mom is the Poo Lice? Does that mean you're some type of faggot?"

"MOM!" He roared.