The Acme News Journal

January, 2013 Issue 2

Politics

The White House celebrated the New Year with a bang, literally. President Obama has sent another drone to Iran as a gift for the New Year. The new state of the art "Pansy" drone was gifted to Iran as a motion of peace in extending the olive branch to avoid further conflict in the region. Iran has graciously accepted the gift with much anticipation for more drones to come.

Senator Diane Feinstein has barricaded herself in her office using a stapler to fend off police as she learned of the petition to be arrested and impeached for treason on the White House web site. This was brought to her attention by President Obama who apparently won a bet. Now there is new legislation to ban staplers as deadly weapon being floated in the bowels of DC.

Despite the fiscal cliff, Obama has given raises to nearly all federal employees as well as congress, the senate and of course, himself. How they will pay for these raises is another question for we are about to hit a debt ceiling yet again. However, new legislation is being floated to federalize all personal 401K's and IRA's in an attempt to secure the future of the government.

Hollywood

Hollywood superstar, Lindsey Lohan has been arrested on drug charges, yet again. Honey Boo-Boo has been named spokes girl for Children of Troubled Parents. British sci-fi TV show, Dr. Who has just been named Best Drama of the year. Iron Man 3 has been set for release this summer along with the new Honey Boo-Boo goes to Hollywood movie.

Business

Too big to fail giant, Goldman Sachs has been named "Business of the Year" for their ability to lie, cheat and steal better than any other Wall Street firm. The CEO, Lloyd Blankfien has stated how proud he is of his accomplishment. He hopes to continue business for many years to come and looks forward to the New Year with even bigger tax payer funded bonuses on the way.

The Treasury has announced inflation is in check despite all the QE printing providing you do not factor in the cost of living...Gas, food and energy are exempt from the inflation formula despite a more that than 20% increase.

Health

On the heels of the inflation index release, President Obama's administration has announced a new national weight loss program, labeled "Economic Slimfast" the new program will help reduce the weight of America's obese population despite the chemicals and additives in the national food supply. The program champions eating far, far less.