The Acme News Journal

January 2013, Issue 8

Politics

US Senator Jay Rockerfeller will not six a 6th term to much relief of the American people. He blames Obama for his failing popularity.

President Obama to be sworn in for his second term with the Lincoln bible…I'm not sure if that's a bad omen or not.

Joe Biden is heading up the task force to address gun violence however the gun violence we inflict on other countries is exempt along with drone strikes.

The presidents of Iran and Egypt have scheduled a meeting and Obama was not invited much to his dismay.

In an embarrassing move a US nuclear strike sub has struck a fishing vessel near Iranian waters which decapitated it periscope and left the troller undamaged. This recent failure has given pause to the quality of our fleet and a second through to attacking another country.

Business

PC sales slide for the first time in 5 years. Microsoft 8 has no comment. Bill Gates is in hiding and Steve Jobs is laughing his ass off from the beyond.

Health

The flu has spread across the USA at record speed according to the CDC much to the relief of vaccine makers who have enacted a campaign reminding people to the vaccine. Kleenex is having a stellar season.

Hollywood

Britney Spears is about to be ousted from X Factor, such a shame, she was doing really well with the drug rehab too.

Kate Middleton's first official portrait has been revealed to the much anticipated press who apparently has nothing better to report.

Brad Pitt is making a car commercial…I kid you not! This is top rated bovine news.