You know what, I don't care

Louise

Author's Note

"You know what, I don't care" is based on personal experiences that I've gone through. Names have been changed and certain circumstances so that I hope no one gets offended. There is strong language in this piece however it is used to show the emotions that the character is feeling. I've written this piece sort of monologue style, as if talking to camera recording her feelings. That's why there are grammatical mistakes – it make it clear that it is a teenage girl talking.

December

It's my fucking life – not hers! I know I shouldn't have bought that shit, I get it but I am a weak person who gets tempted easily. Honestly you would think I would have committed murder. Fucks sake it's gone back to how it was before and I can't deal with it. There is no need to pull the health card and no fucking need to tell me that Dad would be disappointed. You do not bring my family into this. I thought everything was going fine and then – boon. Not so fine. I don't give a shit if it's her job. I don't give a shit if because I'm overweight I'm going to die. Sometimes it feels like the best option. I can't deal with this and right now I feel so worthless but I bet that's how she gets her kicks by being horrid to the people in her care. And now she will watch me when I do the fucking DVDs and make me feel even more worthless. I have not once seen her do any exercise. She says she doesn't have time – well make bloody time! I just want to get to uni, enjoy myself so I don't have to listen to her stupid whiney voice go on and on. That's all she ever does, that and go through my stuff. Doesn't ask, doesn't have a warrant, no – she just goes straight in and searches. The bitch. I just can't deal with it anymore, I just can't. AHHHHHHHHH!

February

It's been a bit manic. I never seem to rest now do I? I mean yesterday she made me do my anthology when it wasn't even set as homework. Stupid bloody woman. I honestly felt like crying but I managed not to. I wish I was happy. Don't I deserve that? One little glimpse of happiness? Hope would be good but that's all gone. I wish people would love me the same way I loved them – but no. My life just doesn't go right at the minute. My sisters appear happy. I've gone back to putting on the face, the mask – no-one is allowed to know how I'm feeling. I'm feeling pretty crap at the moment. Don't know why but I do. Life. Why does it have to be such a pain? I mean come on! I haven't felt like this in a while but now... I don't know. I honestly don't know. I wish I knew the questions and I wish I knew the answers. But no, not gonna happen.

December

You never, ever bring my mum into a conversation about weight. Never. She can't see that I'm stressed, neither of them believe me. It's my bloody life – she's not my mum so I shouldn't have to listen to her. She will never be my mum. My mum had health issues yes but she also had mental health issues that probably didn't help. I'm depressed but I can't ask them to take me to the doctors. It's my life! Not theirs! When I'm 18 I'm going – I don't give a shit if I'm here till September – she has no chance. It's just not happening.

February

I just feel so low at the minute. I don't know why but I do. I never seem to rest – and yet when I do... oh man, and I have to work today. I mean yes I get money and that but a five hour shift with no break? Life's a pain at the minute but I guess everyone has a crap life. I mean I can't complain can I really? Some kids have it worse than me. I don't know, what do I do?

December

I've had a really shit day and I miss mum so much right now. I thought I had learnt to control my emotions by obviously not. Need to go and see a doctor but firstly I'm not brave enough and secondly I would have no way to get there. I would be asked why I want to go by I can't tell them. No way. I need to go but I can't which is shit – I'll go through years of feeling like this and it'll never get sorted. Great.

June

I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I feel so under pressure when it's my life and my weight and stuff but so she insists and how does that make me feel? Right now I feel like a pile of crap. If it was her weight then yes fine but it's not. I'm perfectly happy the way I am. I look at my prom pictures and I'm disgusted with the way I look and am I happy? Nope. Not anymore. I just can't do it – being here – it's turning like before and that's no good. What do I do? Please help me, I feel so alone right now. Like I have no-one to talk to, listen... why do I feel so alone? These past few days I've thought about running again, I feel that alone. This morning I actually wanted to go to work, to get out – it's turning into a prison. I feel so low right now and I don't know what to do. At least on Friday I'll be gone for the whole day so I won't have to feel so low. I just need someone to talk to but no-one's there. I shouldn't be feeling like this at 16 but here I am. I need help, I do but where am I going to get any? Even my sisters won't stop me this time. I feel that low. I just want to disappear somewhere that no-one will know me or my story and that I can be my own person. It's not going to happen though.

October

I think everything is starting to be alright again but no I am wrong, yet again. This weekend I don't have my phone, I'm not going to Stagecoach over something I can't remember saying! Why are third parties getting involved? It feels like when I was away. And I had a really good day yesterday but that fucking bitch has to ruin it. I can't deal with any of this anymore, as soon as I'm 18 I'm going. I don't give a shit if she's meant to be looking after me until I go to uni – sorry not happening. I leave care when I turn 18 and that is what I shall do. I am not hanging around until September/October. No way. After I thought everything was okay as well. I had a really nice chat with Lilly about it all yesterday and now I can't talk to her. I told Sophie everything was going okay but it's not. It is so frustrating when the only people I can really talk too are in Wales (except Lizzie) and the only way for me to get hold of them is through my bloody phone! Last night I was so close to walking out. I have money, I knew what I would wear but because I'm sensible and adult, although she doesn't think that, I stayed in bed. Today or tomorrow could be a whole different story though. I need to calm down but I can't. I physically can't calm down. I woke up and I was still angry, I'll do my homework and I'll still be bloody angry! I just can't deal with this anymore.

July

Well today has started so well – not. My train was delayed so my stress levels went through the roof as I wasn't sure if I would be on time to get my train to Aberystwyth. Luckily as I get off the train, the train to Aber is on the other side of the platform – thank the Lord! So right now I have a mixture of feelings from stress, nerves and tiredness. What a combination. In other news I'm now 17. It was my birthday yesterday and as I predicted it rained – typical. And I promised myself that I wouldn't cry when I went to bed but what did I go and do – cry. So that adds to the tiredness. So right now I wish I was in bed but instead I'm on a train (which I nearly missed) to Aber for a six week summer university. I mean I'm looking forward to it and everything but I'm scared shitless as well.

I got here okay in the end. I'm so alone though – I'm the only person here and I don't know any of the leaders yet. I don't know whether to head into the town or to stay in my room for today until I know where everything is. What do I do? I'm so tired as well, I've got my sleepy sleepy playlist on at the moment. I can hear the seagulls from where I am so that means I must be pretty close to the sea. My room feels so bare and empty – I had to put my slippers on to make me feel more at home.

September

William Davis is a fucking twat and I don't know why I ever bothered trying to rebuild our friendship. I tried everything to rebuild what we used to have but oh no, why did I ever bother. I've never been angry with him or hated him but right not I hate him so much and I just want to punch him. He's says it's not all about me – well it's not all about him either! I've been there, offered my support but did he take it? No. I trusted him with my life history, stuff that I haven't told anyone but now seeing as we're definitely not going to talk again... For fucks sake I've done nothing wrong yet it feels like this is all my fault. How is anything in this situation my fault? I've been trying to rebuild the friendship but it was all a one-sided attempted. So I've given up. I don't give up on a lot of things, people... but if I'm going to have it all chucked back in my face – well I don't give a shit.

July

I'm no longer alone! People have arrived so I don't feel totally alone. Hopefully I'll meet some people later when we meet our team leaders. My room is basic but clean, except for the stain on the ceiling. When I ate lunch that was the first time in 24 hours that I had eaten but I lied to people saying that I ate last night. Well at least it has stopped raining, it meant I could go for a run though. Tomorrow I'll do some sort of exercise in my room and then get showered. The showers are good although they are a little small. Okay so last night I jokingly put on twitter for someone to meet me for food and then Dave says "be careful" bla... and then Carrie emails me this morning with "keeping safe". The cheek of it. It feels a bit like before again where they check my social networking. Please let it stop Lord. Even though I've eaten I seem to be hungry – sad face. In the last couple of days my iPod has never been so used so much! I hope later on that they do a town walk so that I know where everything is – even though I have Ian as a "guide". I need to know my own way around! I hope I haven't made a massive mistake coming here. Well it is the first day so hopefully by the end of the week I'll be more comfortable. And now I've got two hours to do nothing. I have to email Carrie but that's it. Fun stuff. Well at least Spanish starts tomorrow. I'll have something to do at least.

September

You know what I don't give a shit anymore. I don't actually care. I just want out but that's not easy is it? If I was normal it would be a lot easier but because I'm note... I don't care if she makes a formal complaint, I just don't care! I can't wait until Saturday, Sophie is such a babe.

July

So the day started well but then I get an email from Carrie telling me what I should eat for my meals. Slight problem there, the canteen only serves hot food at lunch and dinner. At breakfast I was really good and had cereal and fruit. It's my life and I'm going to live it how I want. You see this morning I got up out of my own free will to do some exercise. Me! Doing exercise out of my own bloody will. I mean at lunch I did splash out a little so I'll be careful. When I have my sports card I'm going to use the pool and gym when I can, I'm walking up and down hills all day so I just want to be left alone about my weight. I don't care if it's her job or not. It's my life and if I did things I wanted to do would put more effort into it wouldn't I? Anyways, I had my first Spanish class today. It went well – most of it I knew already so that was a bonus. I think I've made friends with someone in my class and she's staying here at weekends so I won't be all by myself.

September

Already this morning I have been proactive and done a DVD. Yep, you heard right – I, Rosina Mary, voluntarily did exercise! I went swimming yesterday too. This is because she has agreed to let me be in control of my "exercise regime" for a month. If I lose weight I will continue to be in control. If not then the control gets handed back to her. At the moment things seem to be okay; I'm being extremely careful with the messages I send, status updates... On the bright side Sophie's coming on Saturday!

July

Good news – I've made friends! She has accepted me on Facebook so that's always a good start. So why was yesterday hectic? Well my leader lost her mug and she was offering a reward for the mug. Well me and my friend Laura went into town on a mission – replace the mug. And that's what we did – we went into Poundland and bought a mug and sharpies. She loved it which was a good start! Wednesdays are when we go out for dinner with our groups and yesterday we had a town challenge. When we were walking down to town the weather was nice so none of us were prepared for what was about to happen. As we were eating dinner it started to piss it down. As we got outside we were wet pretty quickly. We had to walk around Aberystwyth for 2 and a half hours in the rain. We were cold, wet... you get the picture. It wasn't a pretty picture!

September

You know what I don't fucking care anymore. My life is shit and I don't know what I'm going to do. Checking my messages, my twitter, my FB, my emails. Am I not allowed to have my own opinions? I don't give a shit if she places an official complaint, I just want of that hellhole. I'm this close to walking and I don't care if it's not the adult thin to do, I don't care if I don't eat or sleep – I just want out!

July

So as you know Thursday was union night and well I wasn't the normal Rosina. Dancing with guys, um getting saucy (not the best way to describe it) with one guy in particular. On the way back down from the union me and William, the boy, were holding hands and did I get a lot of shit about that! Oh my goodness it didn't stop! William is one of the funniest and nicest guys I have probably met in a long time. We have loads in common as well – okay, you are the first I'm going to admit this too, I think I like him. I thought we were just friends but then he comments on FB that we're very close friends. What does that even mean? Oh I don't know. I'm in turmoil so I think I'll stop so I can think.

September

I can't deal with this anymore. Life, home...everything. I don't feel like I belong or that I'm worth anything. I'm so bloody angry yet so sad. I block him because I want privacy; I want to be a person rather than a possession. Yeah, that totally worked. She has a go at me for blocking him and then he looks through my tweets and I wrote that tweet, probably in anger, and they have a massive go at me. I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep, Lilly shouldn't be crying because she's worried about me. Sophie shouldn't be travelling all the South Wales to see me just for a few hours. I shouldn't be feeling like this but I am. The one person I need right now isn't here and never will be again. I want me and William to be the way we were before this shit happened. The person who would stay up past midnight texting, the person who would just hold me. I just want to get back to being close friends because I don't know whether we're even friends at the minute. I just can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do, I can't stay there but moving now wouldn't do me any good. I love my friends so much and my sisters are the only reason I'm still here.

July

I've had a bad few days. I miss mum so much at the moment. I'm growing up and she's not here to see it. I know she's here in spirit but it's not the same is it? Here I am at summer uni, trying it out before I go to uni. She'll never hear my results, see me graduate, see me doing what I want to do. She'd not here to give me advice about boys which I really need at the moment. She'd never going to meet my boyfriend, see me get married, look after the grandkids... I'll stop before I start crying. I'm starting to forget her, mum I mean. I'm starting to forget her voice, her smile, her laugh – so many things I'm forgetting. I'm not allowed to forget – she's my mum. My mum.

Anyways I'm ready to admit – I like William. I mean at first we were just friends but it's developed. Everyone thinks we're in a relationship when we're not – yet, as William keeps saying. I don't know whether he feels the same though. Tonight we almost kissed, as in mouth on mouth and not cheek. Do I tell him? Do I say "I like you William"? I mean I say I love you and he says it back but does he mean it? I think he does. Most guys shrug it off don't they? I'm worried about him. He's got depression and anxiety and the past few days have been really bad. His leader asked me to keep an eye on him and I was doing that before he asked. He doesn't want to talk about it so I'm not going to push him. All I want is for him to just talk to me to keep his mind busy. Please Lord. I worry too much I know, I but I just can't help it. It's just me as a person I think.

September

So I'm back at school, it's good to be surrounded by friends and the work is keeping me bust. It's not as much as Summer Uni so I'm coping which is good. And more good news, I don't know whether I said I before but Sophie might come and see me. Well... SHE'S COMING! She bbmed mer her plan yesterday and that made my day so much better, I haven't been sleeping well because I've been thinking about loads of stuff. You know when you're in bed trying to sleep but your brain won't shut up? That's been happening to me a lot the last few days. I've been thinking about loafs of stuff and it hasn't been fun.

July

Sorry, sorry – a lot of shit has been happening. Well one good thing happened. Good news first- I have a boyfriend . The feelings I have/had for William were/are mutual. Eva basically bullied me into asking him and then she asked whether that meant we were in a relationship and he said say what you want, so I said can I put it as in a relationship but wouldn't put it on FB unless he wanted me to. And once it's Facebook official – it's official. I haven't been this happy ever.

Okay so the start of the shit and it all involves Carrie. So basically on Saturday, the day after William and I became official, I get an email. This email says why didn't you tell them about William, implies I'm going to get pregnant and that I need to be bloody careful. For one I have old fashioned values and that is the first thing I ever told him. Secondly I have the power to say no. I didn't tell them because we hadn't even been going out 2 days! She implied that we'd been going out for ages. That's the start of it anyway.

Today, I had a really good start to the day. I come out of my lesson and I receive an email about that I'm not keeping in contact at all! I tweeted yesterday and Sunday so how can she say that? She wanted to ring but I didn't and don't want to talk to her. I spent the afternoon low with Will and Rich trying to cheer me up. We went bowling this evening and I almost forgot about it all – and then I get a text. I wouldn't look at my phone, I made William look at it. I spoke to Evie and during that I get another text. Will tells me that Carrie was going to ring me. Evie offered to answer it as if I had lost my phone so I didn't have to talk to her. She goes to Holly, a co-ordinator, and tells her. She tells me to turn my phone off, give it to Will and not look at it. For tonight my phone is locked in the office so I don't have to worry. I'm getting William or Evie to look at my phone before me tomorrow. I'm going to talk to Daisy as well.

I'm so scared for tomorrow and what I'm going to find. I'm so thankful for the support network here. I don't know how I would have made it otherwise. And even though I'm tired, I doubt I'll get any sleep. Great.

September

Today was a good day but only because I was out of the house, all day. Yesterday was an alright day because well firstly I saw Dad which was alright I suppose but also because I'm definitely into year 13 which means I'll be out the house a lot so it won't seem as bad... But of course life doesn't work that way. After I've written this I have to do a DVD – urhh. It's a new one as well which means it will be doubly hard. Not looking forward to that. I don't care if it's her job I'm perfectly happy as I am currently thank you very much and if I want to lose weight I shall do it of my own accord. Obviously it's not easy and I can't argue – even though I know if I got into an argument at the minute a lot of different emotions would explode and that's not good – for anybody. I miss everyone so much, I just don't feel whole if you see what I mean. Being with Charlotte today was great but it's not the same. Being back at school will be great because I'll be surrounded by friends and stuff but it won't feel the same.

Beginning of August

So overall I've had a good day. Well, most of it anyway. I'll start with the rave and then go backwards. So tonight it was the 80s rave night. That meant a lot of glow sticks, tutus and neon paint. I had a really good evening – it was the anniversary of when I first met William so that was cool. We kissed and I was, and am, really happy. Dancing the night away, slight bad note – injured by ankle/foot. It really hurts. They can't do much until tomorrow if it's still bad.

I decided to get my phone back at lunch and I wish I didn't. I had 24 missed calls, voicemail, emails...Christina listened to the voicemails – they are excessive. So I, oh I forgot – I had about 5 maybe more texts from her, all getting worse. Anyway I text her with Christina there...and then she rang me. I was shaking, trying not to cry – I lied to her to get her off my back. I don't remember any fricking agreement to text or tweet every day. After the call, luckily I was in the office, we came up with a plan.

Louise rang Daisy as well today. Even she agreed every day was excessive. She suggested I ring on a Sunday and that Daisy emails during the week. Apparently Louise is going to come and see me – that should be fun. Not. As long as this gets sorted. I don't particularly want to go back after the summer but I know I have to.

Moving on Childhood Studies is going well. I have a couple of journal articles I need to read for tomorrow... I hope the weekend passes smoothly. I don't know whether I want my phone but I know for safety I should. I might have it during the day and then give it back to them (the office) at night.

End of August

I was only trying to find the right words. I was going to say sorry but now I can't. She's made it very clear that neither of them like me and I don't like either of them. She is taking everything away from me – the panto and stagecoach. I honestly don't know how long I can last here – I just need to gget out and away. When I was at summer uni I didn't 'create a persona' I was being myself for once. Yeah, I changed my Facebook name but people still called me Rosina. I just don't know what to do anymore. I emailed Louise and she's not in the office until Monday which kinda sucks...

Beginning of August

Well it's only Tuesday and I can safely say it's already been a shit week. The weekend wasn't too great either. There's so many things I'm feeling right now that I need to put onto paper. So let's start with the worst - I'm single. After a week – a bloody week. Last week was great and I felt really special but the last couple of days... Yesterday someone said to me "dump William". I didn't want to dump him. They kept pointing out his faults and then I started to notice them too. He hardly talked to me yesterday. He physically moved away from me and when we went into town he purposely stood on the other side of the girl he tagged along. We went to the cinema last night and I only watched the last 5 minutes because I spent my time in the loos trying not to cry. The irony of this whole this though – we had a lovely chat last night and it was how it should be. I thought everything was going to be okay. Then we come to today. He didn't talk to me. At all. He on the other side of the table in Childhood. This afternoon he went to bed and my friend was like "you need to talk to him". She made me show here where his room is and she woke him up. We go, when I say we I mean me and her, her room for a chat. I get a text saying we need to chat and that I need to go to Christina's office. And that's when it happened. All my friends were right weren't they? And today all I've done is cry. Not just about him but all loads of other shit as well. It's all got a bit much you know? Everything came tumbling at once. I just feel to be honest. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks. I really loved him. I still bloody do.

End of August

She really doesn't like me does she? I don't know how I am going to cope until next year. Louise better get in touch or something bad is going to happen. I miss everyone so much and when they text of FB I feel a pang in my heart – you know? I don't feel at home here – not even in Banbury. I don't know whether it's because I'm growing up or because I'm changing as a person. When I was away I felt like the proper Rosina for the first time. No one judged you, you could be your own person. Here I feel like I am being controlled. The only person here who actually makes me feel worth anything is Taylor – how crazy is that? Before I went I couldn't wait to be away from him but since I got back he's a changed boy.

Well anyways I saw the sisters yesterday. How I missed them. For the first times since I got back they made me laugh and smile properly. They even BBMed my friend from summer uni. That was very funny! We went bowling and took some silly photos for FB, when I get on Facebook...

I started my scrapbook with my summer uni photos yesterday. It bought back loads o memories, it was quite hard to admit it's all over. It doesn't help that everyone else is meeting up but I can't because I live so far away! That's what gets me the most, they're having loads of fun and I'm stuck here. I'm talking to them though via text etc but it's not the same is it? I've got a feeling Sophie's kidnap plan might be used sooner than she thinks...loads of people said they would get involved as well. I feel so loved for the first time.

I just hope I can stick it out for a bit longer. Well I need to see a doctor but I don't want to make an appointment – if you see what I mean...

Middle of August

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I've had a really shit couple of weeks. Well results were crap. 2 Cs, D and U. They're awful! I text Carrie because she wanted to know and she's like "a lot of hard work in September". Like I don't already know that! I really don't want to go back, I don't know how I'll cope until I'm 18. I can almost guarantee that I will run away at some point. I need to talk to Louise because I really can't cope there anymore.

Anyways I passed with a 2:1 in Spanish and a 1st in Childhood Studies. I hope my results for film will be similar. I also have my dress for the grad ball, I just need to get a masquerade mask now as they told us today. And my friend said she would do my hair.

I can't believe we only have a week left. It's so sad. I really hope I keep in contact with people here because I have made some amazing friends.

End of August

I have such amazing friends. Sophie – who lives in South Wales –is that worried about me she is going to spend an arm and a leg to come see me. Dan also said he would come see me. They've even said they would kidnap me so that I could go to the meet up in October. After six weeks they're better friends than anyone I've known Year 7.

Well yesterday was weird. It started okay I guess but it got worse. Like I was on my phone, not on FB, and she says remember you're only allowed on FB for an hour a day and I will be checking. It feels like I have no control over my life again. She doesn't even have Facebook!

I don't know how I'm going to survive until I'm 18. I had two opportunities yesterday, I've got another one today... I need to talk to Louise but she is so bloody hard to get hold of!

I don't know what to do but all I know if, I have to put on a brave face and battle through. Just like I've done my whole bloody life.

End of August

It's not goodbye, it's we'll see each other again... "We'll meet again" Saying goodbye is so bloody hard! "As if we never said goodbye"

Well it's over. The best 6 weeks of my life have finished and I'm sat at home not wanting to be here. Yeah shit happened at summer uni but it was still the best time I've ever had. I managed to escape the shit at home...not that I consider it home anymore. I'm going to be spending a lot of time in Wales this year, I can just feel it. Anyway some good news William and I are talking. I was getting ready in Rachel's room and he came in. He said "Can we party like we're friends because I don't want to end on a bad note". Then at the disco he was sat by himself so I plucked up the courage to ask if he was ok. Then after the party he was bawling his eyes out and we managed to have a hug. I hope we can continue to be friends.

End of August

Well I'm back. And already I want to get out. I'm not sleeping well and it only takes a few mouthfuls to fill me up. Something isn't right. I miss everyone so much right now. Facebook has been filled with things that make me want to burst into tears. Well so far I've done a good job of keeping in touch with people like Sophie and Rhys...and even William. I don't know how I am going to cope until next but I have to find a way. As long as I meet up with people every so often I should be able to remain sane. Hopefully Louise better get in touch soon as well, I need to talk to her about all this. It's going to be a hell of a long year...