BLINKIN BOX BLUES

(Lights up. A small flat in the wee hours of the morning. CAMERON is standing by the window. CARA is fiddling with the currently blinking internet box. Two open laptops sit on either sofa. Silence.)

CAMERON. Hev ye tried turnin it off and back on again?

CARA. Course.

CAMERON. And at still didna wurk?

CARA. Well d'ye see it wurkin?

CAMERON. Nut.

(Silence.)

CARA. A hink it's buggered.

CAMERON. Aw fuck.

CARA. A know.

CAMERON. What if ye phone e manny?

CARA. A dinna hink thur's a manny for it Cameron.

CAMERON. Well, mibbe no a manny, but thur must be some plaice that's open.

CARA. It's two in e moarnin, a dinna hink thur will be.

CAMERON. Ye could try.

CARA. Ye try.

CAMERON. Noh.

CARA. How noh?

CAMERON. A dinna lek speakin til fowlk on e phone that a daa know.

CARA. Well me neither.

CAMERON. Well wur stuck in a fair rut then aren't we?

CARA. We are aye.

(Silence.)

CAMERON. (Sitting down on the couch.) Suppose awll we kin do is sit now ih?

CARA. (Sitting.) Aye.

(Silence. They stare at the laptops and the internet box longingly.)

CAMERON. A dinna lek iss Cara.

CARA. Me neither. (Pause.) Christ it's only e internet.

CAMERON. A know but a canna sleep. And am bored!

CARA. We could always hev a wee chat.

CAMERON. We do at all e time anyway.

CARA. Am only suggestin.

CAMERON. (Annoyed.) A know.

CARA. What ye gurnin for?

CAMERON. Nuhin.

CARA. Noh come on.

CAMERON. A didna lek e way ye sed at.

CARA. A sed it normal.

CAMERON. Noh ye didna.

CARA. Yeah a did.

CAMERON. Noh ye didna.

CARA. Yeah a did.

CAMERON. Ye didna.

CARA. How did a say it then?

CAMERON. Ye wur right gurny.

CARA. A wiz gurny?

CAMERON. Aye.

CARA. Ye wur we wun bein gurny.

CAMERON. Only cuz ye wur bein gurny furst.

(CARA sighs. Silence. She gets up and crosses to the kettle.)

CARA. D'ye wat a cuppa tea?

CAMERON. Och a suppose.

CARA. Two sugars?

CAMERON. Aye.

CARA. Ye watin regular or wan o ma new teabags?

CAMERON. Regular.

CARA. (Preparing.) Ye nivir take anyhin but regular tea.

CAMERON. A know.

CARA. D'ye noh even want til try it?

CAMERON. A hev. A dinna lek tea that ye canna put milk in.

CARA. Thur's flavoured bags that ye can put milk in, av got a couple here.

CAMERON. Noh choost gee me ma regular.

CARA. Yur stuck in yur ways.

CAMERON. Call me owld fashioned.

CARA. Speakin o which, why would it only be a manny?

CAMERON. Ih?

CARA. Aboot e internet, when ye told me til phone e manny. Why wiz it a manny? How could it noh be a wifey?

CAMERON. A didna mean anyhin by it, choost a figure o speech ye know. Fowlk usually always say "aw e manny'll fix it".

CARA. At's sexist.

CAMERON. It's choost words.

CARA. Aw so when it's til do wae feminism it's all "it's just words" but when it's gay rights it's suddenly a beeg deal?

CAMERON. In a way at's different tho. Fir example, hings lek usin e wurd 'gay' til mean stupid.

CARA. Aye and hings lek noh always hevin a manny that comes roond til fix hings.

CAMERON. A dinna know why yur getting so offended, ye know am a feminist.

CARA. Am noh directin it at ye tho.

CAMERON. A hink ye are.

CARA. Am noh.

CAMERON. Ye are!

CARA. Am noh!

CAMERON. Ye brought it up directin it at me!

CARA. Well a nivir meant til, it choost got me hinkin aboot it.

CAMERON. Aye well.

CARA. Jesus Christ!

CAMERON. What?!

CARA. Ye always hev til hev e last wurd do ye noh?

CAMERON. Och be wheesht Cara.

CARA. Noh dinna tell me choost til be wheesht Cameron.

CAMERON. See, iss is e reason a lek e internet so much. We nivir argue when wur on ere!

CARA. (Slamming the tea down on the table.) Yur fuckin tea.

CAMERON. Dinna spill it!

CARA. It's only tea!

CAMERON. How're ye so angry?!

CARA. A daa know!

CAMERON. Calm doon!

CARA. Dinna tell me til calm doon!

CAMERON. Am sorry!

CARA. Aye well!

(Icy silence.)

CAMERON. Ye on yur period?

CARA. If a wiz on ma period yur tea would o went over yur fuckin faice, no e fuckin table.

CAMERON. Aw right.

CARA. But noh Cameron, am noh on ma period. Yur choost annoyin me.

CAMERON. Sorry.

CARA. At's anither hing – men are always sayin whiniver a woman is angry that she's on her period when she's noh, they choost canna accept that thur bein a dick.

(Pause.)

CAMERON. D'ye hink a count as a man?

CARA. What?

CAMERON. Choost cuz am gay and at.

CARA. Course ye do. Ye've got a dick hev ye noh?

CAMERON. Aye but it disna go whur it's meant til.

CARA. Well ye still are.

CAMERON. Right.

(Silence. They both slurp their tea.)

CARA. E internet on yit?

CAMERON. Probably noh.

CARA. A'll check. (She does.) Nut.

(Silence. Rain begins to tap on the window. CAMERON pulls back some of the curtains and peers out.)

CAMERON. Aw... at's e rain on.

CARA. Aye.

(Silence.)

CAMERON. Holy fuck.

CARA. What?

CAMERON. Wur old!

CARA. No wur noh!

CAMERON. Wur actin lek it tho! E amount o times av sat roond e livin room wae ma family and heard "Aye, at's e scandal..." fir no reason whinivir thur's a silence in e room. Or an "Aye, at's e rain on..." whinivir it starts rainin. What hev we becum?!

CARA. A dinna hink a quite get what ye mean.

CAMERON. Wur lek wan o at plays that e Players put on... y'know, e wuns that all e owld fowlk laugh at.

CARA. Wur no at bad.

CAMERON. We wur sittin hevin a battle o e sexes a meenit ago. At's e sorta hing that two characters would argue aboot in a Players play. Y'know e wuns a mean: a wifey who's really gurny and a manny that's really stupid.

CARA. Och aye, same characters over and over.

CAMERON. Makes me wild.

CARA. Well wur nowhere near as bad as at.

CAMERON. Aye a should hope so.

(Silence.)

CARA. Lot's o silences enite ih?

CAMERON. Aye. Suppose a silence durin a chat is better than a silence starin at a screen.

CARA. Christ.

CAMERON. What?

CARA. A hink ye wur right: a hink we are getting owld.

CAMERON. Well we can use computers.

CARA. Owld fowlk can use computers too.

CAMERON. Sayin at, e internet's doon and we canna sort it, so wur noh at technologically advanced are we?

CARA. A did try.

CAMERON. A know.

(Silence.)

CARA. A dunno why wir complainin that wur bored tho, cause if we wir online it wudna be eny different.

CAMERON. Nut. It'd choost be Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Youtube; Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, YouTube, over and over again.

CARA. Occasionally openin up Word til do yur homework.

CAMERON. Or try and write a story or a play or suttin.

CARA. And choost stare at e screen.

CAMERON. Mibbe write a few words doon, or a few notes.

CARA. Get annoyed at how it looks.

CAMERON. And get rid o it.

CARA. Back til e beginnin again.

CAMERON. Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Youtube.

CARA. Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, YouTube.

(Silence.)

CAMERON. Christ it makes ye hink aboot how e internet's just lek wan big silence.

CARA. What d'ye mean?

CAMERON. Lek... when yur on it, and chattin to yur pals and at, or doin whatever ye do, yur sayin words but noh makin any noise.

CARA. Aye?

CAMERON. So lek... really, what's e point o it? Why wid ye talk but no make noise?

CARA. (Pause.) A hink a see what yur tryin til say but yur noh sayin it vury well.

CAMERON. Internet is silence. E internet is makin us all silent. We're choost a quiet wurld now are we noh? It's choost words but no noise. It's big words but no commotion til get anyhin done.

CARA. Aye.

(Silence.)

CAMERON. Choost lek iss.

CARA. (Laughing.) Aye.

(Silence. They slurp the last of their tea.)

CAMERON. Sorry if I annoyed ye.

CARA. Ih?

CAMERON. Earlier on when we wur arguin.

CARA. Och at's alright. Am sorry fir bein gurny.

CAMERON. At's alright.

CARA. Wisna an argument, daa wurry. Choost a wee chat. Til fill e silence, ye know?

CAMERON. (Smiling.) Aye a know.

(The internet box stops blinking. CAMERON and CARA sit for a while, in more silence, listening to the rain pattering on the window. Eventually CARA notices the box.)

CARA. Aw e box hes stopped blinkin.

CAMERON. Aw so it hes. At'll be it back on then ih? E internet?

CARA. Aye.

(Silence. CAMERON closes his laptop.)

CAMERON. (Picking up both cups.) D'ye wat anither cuppa tea?

CARA. (Closing her laptop.) Aye at'd be grand thanks.

(Lights down.)

END