In the not too distant future two earthlings crash land on a planet remarkably similar to Earth. They learn from two natives that the planet, Goddle, is inhabited by a race similar to humans but more developed due to the existence of a substance called Goddlemite. Goddlemite allows the inhabitants of Goddle to communicate telepathically by channelling their thoughts. The unwelcome intrusion by the Goddlians into the minds of the Earthlings leads to much confusion and romantic innuendo, eventually leading to animosity between the Earthlings and Goddlians.
However, the Earthlings learn that Goddlemite can also be used as a power source for their crashed space ship and they hatch a plan to steal Goddlemite so they can return to Earth. Without the power of Goddlemite to read each other's mind the Goddlians struggle with the need to speak to each other but eventually manage to make their feelings known. When the Goddlians confront the Earthlings about the theft of the Goddlemite, they come to realise that they don't need the power to read each others' minds. The Earthlings are able to depart with the power source they need and the Goddlians must learn to cope with the new communication method that involves talking.
CHUCK Militaristic, egotistical and boastful. He always has to be right and displays these characteristics as a front for his own insecurities and unwilling attraction towards SUSAN. Eventually his character loses these alpha-male traits and becomes more accepting of other people's opinions.
SUSAN Submissive, tentative and embarrassed of her own intelligence. Accustomed to being constantly belittled by CHUCK, she is encouraged by the insight given by HOMME and FEMME reading his mind and she eventually reveals more of a precocious nature.
HOMME Pragmatic to the point of viewing others with disdain, his character immediately clashes with CHUCK. But once they realise that their views are more aligned than they originally thought, the relationship becomes more amicable. Communication is the greatest challenge for him and he finds it difficult to voice his opinions.
FEMME Similarly pragmatic and harbouring a noble belief in the superiority of her species, she often has no idea that her cutting comments tend to belittle others. Her tendency towards know-it-all-ness originally stemmed from a desire to impress HOMME. Once she realises that he is suitably impressed her attitude is relaxed.
ROBOTA remote controlled vehicle of some sort covered in some prehistoric looking alfoil and Christmas lights. The voice for the robot is transmitted through some sort of speaker.
CHIMPANZEEA stuffed chimpanzee or monkey toy large enough for SUSAN to cradle.
BOOK OR PDA
PODIUM A small staircase on which the black case can rest. This is the Goddlabulator.
BLACK CASE Or a similar device for storing Goddlemite. This is part of the Goddlabulator together with the PODIUM.
SAMURAI FIGHTING FISH IN A CARRY CASE This is Goddlemite.
Scene One – The Crash Site
(The curtain opens to the sound of a huge crashing noise and sirens wailing. Flashing lights disperse through smoke and debris. The latch of a spaceship opens and two figures dressed in astronaut uniforms emerge – CHUCK and SUSAN. SUSAN is holding a chimpanzee - CHUPPAS.)
CHUCK: It's a miracle, we've landed. I thought we would never survive that crash.
(CHUCK runs out of spaceship and kisses the ground. SUSAN cradles CHUPPAS looking dazed.)
SUSAN: What happened? How did we get here?
CHUCK: You've been off with the astronauts again haven't you? While you were fussing over that lesser-Neanderthal, the NRG facilitator of our spacecraft overheated causing us to go into catastrophic meltdown. Luckily I spotted an optimal evacuation area and with some stellar steering I was able to navigate a landing with minimal damage to the spacecraft.
SUSAN: So our energy source went down, is that what you're saying?
CHUCK: Not the energy source, the NRG – the Nuclear Reaction Generator – is incapacitated. (CHUCK shakes his head in disbelief.)
SUSAN: Oh, that's what I thought I said but well, thank goodness we're alive. And Chuppas is safe too, aren't you Chuppas.
(SUSAN fondles CHUPPAS the chimp adoringly. CHUCK suppresses a hint of jealousy/revulsion.)
CHUCK: Now that we know we're alive, where in the flaming moons of Mercury are we?
SUSAN: This landscape, the forest, the trees…it looks just like Earth. I mean it looks like the Earth from a hundred years ago that I've seen on display in the Museum of Non-existent History.
CHUCK: (pointing) Look at those birds! Even those birds look like how birds back home are supposed to, not the protoplastic model 7.0 budgie-borgs we have now.
SUSAN: Do you think we've actually ended up back on Earth?
CHUCK: Not in a million aeons! There's no way we could have done a complete loop around the Revolving Chaos Galaxy.
SUSAN: Well where in the cyberworld are we then?
CHUCK: This must be one of the secret anarchic states, shielded from our civilisation scanners behind a highly advanced comet-wall. It didn't even show up on Google Universe!
SUSAN: Impossible! Google Universe captures everything. In fact, we're probably on it right now and if someone is watching we can send a message back home for help.
CHUCK: Susan, you're talking like your circuits have been scrambled. No one sits around all day watching Google Universe. It's only -
(ROBOT rolls up to CHUCK and runs into him.)
ROBOT: You are unauthorised entrants on the Planet Goddle. The Planet Goddle does not welcome you.
CHUCK: What in the solar system is this thing?
ROBOT: I am a highly advanced border protection officer. It is my duty to ensure Goddle is safe from unwanted intrusion.
CHUCK: You're not a border protection officer. You're a tin can on wheels. You want to know who the greats of border protection are. Well, no one can beat the almighty Zeusisus who fended off a swarm of invading Flysects with just his laser eyebeams.
ROBOT: Do not dispute my authority. Otherwise…
CHUCK: Otherwise what? You'll konk me over the head with one of your metallic arms?
SUSAN: Chuck, be nice to the little dust-buster (sniggering).
(Awkward pause. SUSAN looks embarrassed that she has participated in the slanging match.)
ROBOT: Your illegal entry has been recorded and a surveillance team has been dispatched to investigate. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to resist arrest.
(CHUCK and SUSAN look at each other and shrug their shoulders.)
CHUCK: Why would we want to resist arrest? It's not like we have anything else to do on this Google-foresaken planet.
SUSAN: Will they be able to help us with getting energy?
CHUCK: (Under his breath to Robot) I think she means NRG.
ROBOT: The surveillance team will determine an appropriate action for you once they arrive.
SUSAN: When will they get here?
ROBOT: Your emergency situation has been reported and the team will be here immediately.
Scene Two – Nightfall at the Crash Site
(It is night-time at the crash site. CHUCK and SUSAN have resolved to lounging around on some rocks or logs lying about the area. Cicadas chirp in the distance. Plants bordering the stage indicate they are somewhere in the forest. SUSAN has put down CHUPPAS who is sitting beside her. The ROBOT remains motionless.)
CHUCK: We've been waiting here for light-years. I'm starving! When is this super-duper surveillance team supposed to get here already. I could eat a stratosphere full of spacesnacks I'm so hungry.
SUSAN: Maybe we should light a fire, then we could catch a bird or something and cook it…just like they do in the movies!
ROBOT: Absolutely not. Destruction of the natural habitat is forbidden.
CHUCK: What? You mean you have all this meat around you and you can't even eat it?
ROBOT: The fauna of Goddle is not for consumption.
CHUCK: What sort of crazy world is this?
(CHUCK looks hungrily at the chimpanzee. HOMME and FEMME enter.)
HOMME: I'm afraid I can not allow you to end that monkey's life to satisfy your own hunger either.
(CHUCK turns around in shock.)
CHUCK: Who in the name of Gazatron are you? And how in the universe did you know…
(SUSAN looks shocked at the arrival of the Goddlians. Her shock is compounded even more when she realises that CHUCK was considering eating CHUPPAS.)
FEMME: Yes, I'm afraid his hunger knows no bounds.
CHUCK: You must be the special squadron surveillance team. Well it took you sub-humans long enough to get here. We've been waiting all night, practically starving to death.
FEMME: It is highly unlikely that you would have starved by simply refraining from your diet for 12 hours.
HOMME: It seems that we arrived just in time to save that poor chimp's life. All consumption of intelligent beings is prohibited on the Planet Goddle.
CHUCK: Intelligent? This fur-ball?
SUSAN: Hey, don't say that about Chuppas. I can't believe you were actually thinking of eating him. (SUSAN picks up CHUPPAS and starts cradling him again.)
FEMME: (To SUSAN) You needn't worry. He's merely jealous of what he regards as your overbearing affections towards the creature.
HOMME: (To SUSAN) He only wishes that you were half as attentive towards him.
SUSAN: Wait a minute, how do you know what he's thinking?
CHUCK: (still doesn't realise that HOMME and FEMME can read his mind and continues his defensiveness) Me, jealous? Ha, I scoff at that remark. There's nothing about this amoeba brain that I have to be jealous about.
(HOMME and FEMME look at each other with raised eyebrows.)
SUSAN: (to HOMME and FEMME) You know exactly what's in this head don't you?
FEMME: We've seen this before –
HOMME and FEMME: Denial!
CHUCK: This is absolutely ludicrous. Why the aeon would I be in the remotest way…(trails off, finally realising what is happening). Hold on a microsecond. You can read - I mean, you think you can read my mind, don't you?
HOMME: We don't think we can read your mind. We can tap into advanced states of your psychology allowing us to transcend linguistic boundaries and directly access your internal thought processes even before you have the opportunity to voice them in whatever Goddle-forsaken language you are speaking.
FEMME: (huffily to CHUCK) No, it's not stupid and neither are we!
CHUCK: But that's crazy. We're not even of the same species. How is it that you consider there is even cognitive compatibility.
HOMME: Access to the subliminal is not dependent on the physical but the emotional similarities.
CHUCK: (With disgust) Emotional?
FEMME: Sure, like us, you think, feel, want, need. It is these desires that are apparent in your emotional aura.
CHUCK: (sarcasticly) Aura? How very tantric of you. (To himself) I feel so violated!
SUSAN: (tentatively) So, you can even tell what I'm thinking?
FEMME: (Smiling mysteriously) But don't worry, your secret is safe with us.
HOMME: No, we won't tell him how you feel about him.
(FEMME elbows HOMME who is oblivious of his faux pax.)
SUSAN: (Trying desperately to change the subject, blushing) Well, if you can read minds, prove it then by, by, by – telling me what Chuppas is thinking.
CHUCK: Don't be silly Susan, no one can talk to a silly monkey like –
FEMME: Chuppas thinks that Chuck looks and acts like a Silverback Gorilla. Oh, and he needs to urinate.
SUSAN: (in shock) Really, why didn't you tell me Chuppas?
(SUSAN carries Chuppas away and puts him down off-stage.)
Hey, you were right! He did need to go!
CHUCK: (scoffing) I still find it highly improbable.
HOMME: Yet you can see no reasonable explanation so far for our accurate deductions of your inner-most thoughts.
CHUCK: I didn't think that! And I wasn't thinking those things that you thought I was thinking!
FEMME: No, surely not. It must have been a mere miscommunication in your neurotransmitters, which incidentally are intercepted by our subliminal thought receptors. Although the probability of such an occurrence given the highly developed cognitive state of Goddle inhabitants since the discovery of the advanced intuitive substance known as Goddlemite is virtually akin to the likelihood that you will be able to conjure your hovercraft in it's present condition to progress backwards through the space time continuum to your so called Planet of Earth.
SUSAN: (in disbelief) Now I am thoroughly confused.
FEMME: Of course you have difficulty comprehending. Your psyche is simply not as advanced as that of the Goddlians.
CHUCK: Advanced my donkey-horse. Why are you Goddlians so much more advanced?
FEMME: Our superior intelligence is substantially due to the discovery in year three hundred and twenty-one thousand, three hundred and forty-three QD that the electro-neurotic qualities of the substance Goddlemite, occurring naturally only on the Planet of Goddle, could be harnessed for the purpose of creating advanced telepathic communication channels that funnel thoughts and reactions between beings, therefore increasing efficiency and eradicating the impediments associated with verbal emotional transmissions.
CHUCK: Are you speaking Earthling?
HOMME: What Femme is merely saying is that Goddlians have progressed to a much higher state of intelligence by taking advantage of the energy emitting properties of the native substance Goddlemite, which, through the use of the Goddlabulator can allow Goddlians to process the internal thoughts of emotionally intelligent beings.
SUSAN: I think what they are trying to say is that this thing called Goddlemite when put in the Goddleabulator makes them telepathic.
CHUCK: Well, of course I knew that.
FEMME: It's a highly advanced process.
CHUCK: That alone does not make you more advanced than us almighty Earthlings. For holy-deity's sake, you can't even make a proper border control unit.
(CHUCK goes over to ROBOT and kicks over ROBOT. ROBOT sizzles, lets out a bang and a puff of smoke and the lights go out.)
SUSAN: Oh no.
(HOMME and FEMME look at each other in shock. They then perform a series of actions while communicating telepathically, for instance, checking the watch, pointing to the sky, pointing to the robot and gesturing smoke coming out. FEMME takes out a book or PDA and starts looking through it, pointing out pages to HOMME. HOMME and FEMME study the book/PDA while gesticulating wildly with their hands. CHUCK and SUSAN look on in utter confusion. )
CHUCK: So I guess they're doing it now…this telepathy thing you were talking about.
SUSAN: It looks like it. Hey, Chuck did you hear what they were saying before about this Goddlemite? It's a source of energy! Which is what we need to get the spacecraft up and going again. If there's some way that we can –
CHUCK: Don't be silly, Susan. How many times do I need to say that the reason the spacecraft crashed is because of the loss of NRG, the Nuclear Reaction Generator, not energy –
SUSAN: But NRG is what the spacecraft uses for energy so if we have another source of energy then we don't need NRG and –
(HOMME and FEMME have finished conferring and interrupt CHUCK and SUSAN's conversation.)
HOMME: It is clear that you have violated Code 238 of statute #65927, Protection of Goddle's Native Fauna and Flora in Goddle's Rules and Ordinances. That highly advanced border control unit, who you most callously destroyed, MCD2 Prototype #4 may he rest in peace, was one of a select force of 10 highly trained personnel from the AFP, the Almost-Fauna-Protectors, designed especially for the difficult and dangerous task of ensuring Goddle's borders are safe and secure.
FEMME: His demise brings the number of AFP down to five rendering you guilty of the further offence of destroying an endangered species under Sub-code 879 of the POO-TTA-LAR, the Protection of other things that are like animals Regulations.
SUSAN: Wait, that doesn't make sense. How can you charge him of destroying fauna when it was just a robot. You can just build another one.
HOMME: MCD2 Prototype #4 was a much loved member of the community and his role cannot be easily replaced. His loss will be greatly mourned.
FEMME: (to SUSAN) You will also be charged as an accomplice to the attack under the WEPA-WETA, the Wrong Effing Place and Wrong Effing Time Act.
CHUCK: (Angrily) Are you serious? You can't arrest her for something that I did? Here, I'll turn myself in. Take me and let her go.
(CHUCK offers his hands to be handcuffed. SUSAN looks surprised.)
SUSAN: (to CHUCK) Chuck, are you defending me?
CHUCK: (to SUSAN) Well, it's only fair considering I got us into this mess.
(SUSAN blushes but looks impressed.)
CHUCK: There is no option for us but to charge both of you extra-terrestrials with the crimes aforementioned and your fate will be determined in the court-house at Goddle-city.
(FEMME handcuffs SUSAN and CHUCK together with smug satisfaction.)
FEMME: The maximum penalty for the crimes you have committed is death.
Scene Three – At the Goddlabulator
(A handcuffed CHUCK and SUSAN trail behind HOMME and FEMME who are walking in silence. In the middle of the stage is a raised podium where steps lead up to an enigmatic black case. Inside is the GODDLEMITE)
CHUCK: (trying to whisper discreetly to SUSAN) Look, I'm really sorry about this Susan. Honestly, I'll find a way that we can escape. It can't be that hard to take these two on.
HOMME: There is no way that you can escape. Remember we know what you are thinking.
FEMME: (to HOMME) Susan has the urge to urinate…and possibly may need to do more than that.
SUSAN: (looking embarrassed) I'm sorry. I do really need to go…
(CHUCK backs away from SUSAN looking slightly disgusted.)
HOMME: Ah, I believe this is the perfect place for a rest. Look at this, we just happen to have arrived at the Goddlabulator (gestures to the podium). Inside that great machine lies the magnificent substance which makes our planet reverberate with intelligence – Goddlemite. Very well, we will release you here for such time as is required for…you know…while we bask in the presence of the great Goddlabulator.
SUSAN: Um…are you going to…you know…undo us?
FEMME: (Smirkingly) Not at all. There is no reason why you can't go about your business together.
SUSAN: Okay then.
(SUSAN and CHUCK move to the other side of the podium reluctantly.)
CHUCK: (to SUSAN) Okay do you want to go first or should I?
SUSAN: (hastily) Look, I have an idea but I need you not to talk to me. They can 'hear' us.
CHUCK: But –
SUSAN: Just trust me. You have to think of nothing while I do this and I'll channel my thoughts so they don't know what we're doing.
CHUCK: But I can't think of nothing. Thinking nothing is impossible.
SUSAN: Think about fairies then.
CHUCK: (smiles with nostalgia) Fairies…okay, I'll keep thinking fairies. (Repeats the word 'fairies' to himself while oblivious to SUSAN's actions.)
(SUSAN creeps up the steps to the podium dragging an almost demented CHUCKin fairy-land behind her on handcuffs. She reaches into the black case and pulls out a fish carry basket with a samurai fish in it – GODDLEMITE.)
SUSAN: (nudging CHUCK) Okay, you can stop thinking about fairies now.
CHUCK: (snapping out of it) Fairies? (Seeing the GODDLEMITE.) What is that gizmo?
SUSAN: It's Goddlemite. Remember I was saying that if Goddlemite is a source of energy then we can use it to replace the NRG for our spacecraft and escape from here.
CHUCK: But that isn't an NRG that's just a –
(FEMME and HOMME have previously been staring blankly at the podium in adoration. FEMME eventually realises what CHUCK and SUSAN are doing and tries to tell HOMME telepathically while gesticulating wildly. When she finally realises that she can no longer 'talk' telepathically, she calls out.)
FEMME: (from the other side of the podium) Stop there thieves!
HOMME: (Only realising what is happening, also tries communicating telepathically and gestures wildly, pointing and jumping up and down. Finally when realising he has to speak he can only muster one word.) Oi!
SUSAN: Quick run!
(SUSAN and CHUCK run off the stadium carrying the GODDLEMITE and disappear off-stage. FEMME and HOMME are left speechless on the other side of the podium, opening and shutting their mouths in disbelief.)
FEMME: (finally realising that she needs to speak) They have our Goddlemite.
(HOMME turns to her in amazement.)
Scene Four – At the Goddlabulator
(FEMME and HOMME sit on the steps of the podium still wracked with disbelief. Greyish lighting indicates that it is in the early hours before morning.)
FEMME: (thinking carefully about each word) So, what…should…we…do?
FEMME: The impetuousness of it all. How dare they steal our Goddlemite. The mere notion is simply preposterous. And what do they intend to do with the substance in any case. They clearly are not from such an advanced species as to be able to manufacture a Goddlabulator so that the properties of Godlemite can be properly utilised.
(HOMME turns to look at FEMME as if he is seeing her for the first time and can't take his eyes off her.)
FEMME: Goddlemite belongs and belongs only to native Goddlians. Don't you agree Homme?
(FEMME turns to HOMME. HOMME is still looking at FEMME in wonderment.)
HOMME: (startled) I'm sorry, did you ask me a question?
FEMME: (embarrassed that HOMME has been staring at her) I said don't you agree that we must recover Goddlemite…for the sake of Goddle?
HOMME: Yes, of course. I wholeheartedly agree. I've just never realised that your lips are so…
FEMME: Are so…
HOMME: Yes, well definitely. We should…how do you say it…figure out…a plan?
FEMME: Yes, a plan! That's what we need. A plan to recover what is rightfully ours.
HOMME: Yes, a plan.
FEMME: Okay, first step of the plan is to determine the location of the escapees. Subsequently we must report their coordinates to ARS, the Alien Recovery Squad, who will dispatch a team for their capture. Don't you think…(turns to HOMME)
(HOMME starts staring at FEMME again, becoming mesmerised.)
HOMME: (awakens again from his trance) What…um…yes. I think that's an excellent plan…
FEMME: (continues suspiciously) Right, so that's step one. Next step is to –
HOMME: (interrupting) I just never realised that you have such, such, such (grasping for words) intelligent eyes.
FEMME: (looking embarrassed but flattered) Why, thank you Homme. (pauses) May I inquire as to why all of a sudden you are noticing such…traits, shall I say, of mine?
HOMME: Well, I suppose I never really…well, it seems silly to say, but I never really looked at you before. I mean, of course, I have looked at you. I look at you all the time, but I guess I've never really looked, looked.
FEMME: Yes, I think I do know what you are saying. And similarly, now that you mention it…I am also starting to notice rather…hehe…attractive traits about you Homme.
HOMME: Oh? Please continue.
FEMME: Well, it's just that I'm only noticing…
FEMME: How strong your jaw is…
HOMME: (Feeling his jaw) Really?
FEMME: And I do have to admit that…I do admire your voice. I mean its so…
FEMME: Sexy. (FEMME turns away in embarrassment.)
(HOMME touches FEMME's hand and she responds.)
HOMME: (in a deep voice) Well…thank you very much.
Scene Five – In the forest
(SUSAN and CHUCK are still handcuffed together trudging through the wilderness with SUSAN clutching the GODDLEMITE. The sun is starting to rise on one side of the stage and the scene is bathed in twilight.)
CHUCK: Look I know you don't believe me but I know I'm right this time. The spacecraft is back over the other side. We need to head (pauses…thinking and pointing, turning around) South? East? North? What's the other one…west! We need to head west.
SUSAN: (is obviously more assertive with CHUCK now than in the last Act.) That's where we're going. (Pointing) See, that's the direction of the sun in the east and we're going in the opposite direction which is west.
CHUCK: (confused not only with his lack of navigation skills but also by SUSAN's newfound assertiveness.) But we were heading in the direction to the sun when we were left the spacecraft.
SUSAN: Yes, but that was where the sun was setting and the sun sets in the west but rises in the east so because it's rising we need to head in the opposite direction. Haven't you ever studied planetology 101?
CHUCK: Well that may be how things work on Earth but –
SUSAN: Trust me, it's the same on this prehistoric planet. It rotates anti-clockwise, I can feel it.
CHUCK: (attempting to make a joke) Well, perhaps you should try out for Sale of the Millennium then.
SUSAN: (Shooting CHUCK a dirty look) Are you trying to be funny at a time like this? I swear, sometimes Chuck I could…urgh!
CHUCK: (bashfully) I'm sorry…I was just trying to make you lighten up a bit. I feel a bit guilty that I put us through, well that we were arrested because of that stupid robot (raises his fist).
SUSAN: (still angry) It wasn't the robot's fault…it was yours for kicking it over!
CHUCK: (relenting) Yes…you're right. It was my fault. I got a bit…carried away back there didn't I…
SUSAN: (under her breath) You don't say…
CHUCK: Well, I guess Susan, I should say that I am sorry for putting you through that. I shouldn't have acted like such a…chimpanzee-meat-brain.
SUSAN: (A smile is creeping through) Now, don't you start me on that!
CHUCK: (cheekily) But that was funny wasn't it? I saw a snicker sneaking through. You know you wanted to laugh.
SUSAN: (Relaxing a bit) Not quite, Mr Martian-face. You don't get away that easily.
CHUCK: (fake horror) Martian-face! That's so mean!
SUSAN: Well speaking about chimpanzees, I want to know more about how you feel jealous…over Chuppas! Haha!
CHUCK: (embarrassed) Oh, that oafish ape…
SUSAN: Stop being so mean to Chuppas!
CHUCK: Well, it's just that you defend him all the time. He's just a puny primate.
SUSAN: And so that's why you're jealous. It's got nothing to do with Chuppas but it's just because I always stick up for him.
CHUCK: Well, I mean it's like he's your baby or your clone or something. I just don't understand why you're so much nicer to him than…
(CHUCK trails off and CHUCK and SUSAN look at each other. From offstage chimpanzee noises are heard.)
SUSAN: (exclaims) Chuppas! He must have heard us talking about him.
CHUCK: (annoyed) Obviously…he's such a genius…he's even smarter than those Goddlians.
SUSAN: Chuppas! Come here boy! He can help us get these handcuffs off. He's an expert at de-configuring any type of intergalactic latch.
(SUSAN picks up CHUPPAS from off-stage and cradles him on stage dragging CHUCK on handcuffs reluctantly. SUSAN puts the GODDLEMITE down. CHUCK and SUSAN turn their backs while CHUPPAS is supposedly undoing the handcuffs. CHUCK and SUSAN are released from the handcuffs and look at each other awkwardly.)
SUSAN: Well done Chuppas! Didn't he do a magnificent job.
CHUCK: I guess so.
(CHUCK picks up GODDLEMITE which SUSAN has left on the ground while fetching CHUPPAS.)
SUSAN: Good boy Chuppas. Now, if Chuppas is here it means we must be close to our spacecraft. Look! (pointing) There it is!
Scene Six – At the Crash Site
(Morning now at the crash site. The latch remains as it was before. SUSAN and CHUCK enter both holding hands with CHUPPAS on either side. CHUCK is also holding GODDLEMITE with his other hand.)
CHUCK: Well, here we are back at our debunked spacecraft again. How are we going to get this thing to fly?
SUSAN: (Looking at CHUCK incredulously) Well that thing that you are holding might help. It's the energy we need.
CHUCK: (lifts up CHUPPAS) Hmm…well yes, he does contain some energy but by nowhere near the massive proportions –
SUSAN: (exasperated) Not Chuppas! The other things you're holding…the Goddlemite!
CHUCK: (Lifts up the GODDLEMITE) This thing? But this isn't energy this is just –
(HOMME and FEMME enter.)
FEMME: Rightfully ours is what it is. And we're not going to –
HOMME: (interrupting) And we're gonna- (Looking at FEMME) Oh, sorry I didn't mean to interrupt. No please you were issuing demands and it was rude of me to –
FEMME: No, not at all. Please feel free to tell these rather rude visitors –
SUSAN: Rude? You have all the nerve to call us rude. Here we are…innocent victims in an unfortunate intergalactic flight displacement and we haven't received the slightest bit of welcome from your planet. I consider it rude that you haven't invited us back to your quarters for a pint of Pluto-ale while we recuperate and fix our spacecraft.
HOMME: Lets not forget that before we had an opportunity to do that you participated in wantonly destroying our fauna. And don't you consider it slightly poor form to steal from your planetary hosts?
CHUCK: Now lets get one thing straight. It was I and only I who um…'killed' I guess, your little robot guy…thing…M2D3…or whatever his name is…sorry, was…
FEMME: His name was MCD2. Please treat the dead with respect.
SUSAN: As for your Goddlemite…I'm sorry but we need it. It's our energy source to get back home.
CHUCK: (only just catching on) Of course, the Goddlemite is energy which we can use as an NRG giving us the energy to take off.
SUSAN: (Looking at CHUCK in exasperation) Isn't that what I've been saying?
FEMME: And did you not consider what impact this would have on us, the native habitants of Goddle? How will we survive without our Goddlemite?
CHUCK: Well, that's a good point. What do you need Goddlemite for?
FEMME: Excuse me?
SUSAN: Yes that is a fair question. Why do you need Goddlemite.
FEMME: Why, Goddlemite makes us superior of course. Isn't that obvious?
CHUCK: No, not really.
HOMME: It allows us access to telepathic communication channels.
SUSAN: But why do you need to do that?
FEMME: Well, the reason is simple…
HOMME: It's for efficiency.
FEMME: That's right. We can communicate quicker allowing us to achieve more in a shorter amount of time.
CHUCK: Like what?
HOMME: What do you mean 'like what'?
SUSAN: Well, what can you do that is so much quicker when done telepathically?
FEMME: Just think about it. If you didn't have to talk…if you could just know what the other person is thinking…isn't that quicker than talking?
CHUCK: I don't really see how…
FEMME: Well it's more effective anyway. There's no room for miscommunication.
SUSAN: Is it? Okay, so surely it's been at least a few hours since you haven't used this Goddlemite, right?
HOMME: Has it only been a few hours? It feels like much longer.
SUSAN: Well, however long it's been…my point is…have you really noticed such a big difference between talking to each other like we are talking now…and talking by reading each other's minds?
(HOMME and FEMME look at each other bashfully.)
FEMME: (still staring at HOMME) Well I did notice a few differences to be honest…
HOMME: (to FEMME) Yes, I definitely noticed some things too.
CHUCK: How did it compare with that whole not-talking-thing that you guys do?
FEMME: (giggling) I noticed that Homme has a sexy voice.
HOMME: And Femme's voice is the sweetest sound I've ever heard.
FEMME: (to HOMME) You really think so?
HOMME: (to FEMME) Of course, last night…when I was talking to you…I mean really talking to you. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had. In fact, it was one of the best nights I've ever had.
(HOMME and FEMME move closer together and carry their conversation with each other oblivious to CHUCK and SUSAN.)
FEMME: Wow that's so weird. I mean…weird in a mutually positive way because I felt exactly the same…I can safely say that I enjoyed myself more last night than I have in…well ever since I can remember…
HOMME: Really because I was hoping that we could do it again some time…I mean just get together…you know just you and me…and talk…
FEMME: Yes, somewhere nice…someplace where we can have dinner perhaps…
CHUCK: (butting in) It's called a date.
HOMME: (confounded) What?
CHUCK: A date. We call them dates back on Earth. Don't you know…when two people…get together…and there's obvious sexual chemistry!
FEMME: I beg your pardon!
CHUCK: Well, I'm just stating the obvious. Which is that you two should go out on a date. Go somewhere quiet…have a nice bottle of fermented Jupiter-pud-juice…that will get the tongues wagging.
HOMME: You watch what you say!
CHUCK: Tongues…wagging…as in talking. You two should get talking is what I'm trying to say…
HOMME: Yes, that sounds rather nice actually. Just being able to talk to you, Femme.
FEMME: It's an experience which I'm sure I'll enjoy immensely.
CHUCK: Well, all you two need to do is set a date. As in a date for the date.
HOMME: Oh well, I'm really free anytime.
SUSAN: Yes, so while you do that I'm afraid we won't be able to stay to watch your romance blossom. It's been really great meeting you and I really, truly wish you all the best.
(SUSAN starts nudging CHUCK towards the spacecraft.)
FEMME: No wait just one minute here. Now don't think that you can use this talk of dates and dinners to escape with our Goddlemite.
SUSAN: Look we don't want to take what isn't ours…but can't you see that we just want to go home to Earth. If you could just help us, please.
CHUCK: Look, I have an idea! How about we bring it back?
FEMME: (suspiciously) What do you mean?
SUSAN: That's brilliant. We only need Goddlemite to be the NRG on our spacecraft to get back home. Once we arrive safely and our spacecraft is fixed then we'll bring your Goddlemite back to you. We just need to…borrow it. (to CHUCK) Excellent thinking, Chuck.
FEMME: Do you really think that you can take Goddlemite to another planet? Goddlemite belongs on Goddle. We, Goddlians, need it.
HOMME: (to FEMME) No wait, Femme. That might not be such a bad idea. We can't let them take it but surely they can borrow the Goddlemite just so they can get home.
FEMME: But, what will happen to us? How will we communicate without Goddlemite. It will be so…inefficient.
HOMME: Well…we can have our (looking uncertainly now at CHUCK) date?
CHUCK: That's what I'm talking about!
SUSAN: I promise…if you let us borrow your Goddlemite for just this trip that we need to make back home…I…we…will owe you big time…won't we Chuck?
CHUCK: Sure will…and Chuppas too!
SUSAN: (smiling at CHUCK) Yes, Chuppas will owe you big time too. We will bring you whatever you want from Earth.
FEMME: Actually…there is something from Earth I would be interested in…I've heard about it…from the Universal-net…but never heard one…
SUSAN: Sure, anything. You name it and we'll bring it to you when we give back your Goddlemite
FEMME: I want to hear a song. Like two people singing…a duet, I think you call it…it's just that I've never heard anyone talking to music before…
SUSAN: Sure that's not a problem at all. I can bring you duets galore when we come back.
FEMME: Thank you, I'd like that. And I'm sure that we can survive without Goddlemite for…well, for awhile, (turning to HOMME) can't we Homme?
HOMME: (while looking at FEMME) Please take as long as you need…
SUSAN: (to CHUCK) Well, we better get this Goddlemite set up then, shall we?
CHUCK: Now there's an idea.
(CHUCK and SUSAN still clutching CHUPPAS take the GODDLEMITE into the spaceship. After they disappear the lights on the spaceship start flickering back to life. CHUCK and SUSAN reappear, without holding CHUPPAS.)
SUSAN: It looks like it's working. That Goddlemite is amazing.
FEMME: Yes, your spacecraft looks like it's ready to go.
HOMME: (extending hand to CHUCK) Best of luck…on your journey. It was a pleasure to meet you and I hope we didn't put you through too much…
CHUCK: (shaking HOMME's hand) No, not at all…sorry about…uh-um MCD2…I really do feel bad for the lil fella so thank you very much for your help and for everything…
HOMME: (looking at FEMME) No, thank you…
CHUCK: (extends hand to FEMME) Once again I thank you for being so understanding about our situation…I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot…
FEMME: (shaking hand) I wish you both the best on your flight.
FEMME: (extends hand to SUSAN) Please all the best to both of you. I look forward to hearing those…songs…the duets…
SUSAN: (shaking hand) Thank you so much for your help. I'll make sure I get the best songs for you when we come back.
HOMME: (extending hand to FEMME) Please, there's no rush. We understand it's hard on you so take your time.
SUSAN: (shaking hand) Thank you and we really do hope that your 'date' goes well (winks).
HOMME: (looking at FEMME) I'm sure it will.
(HOMME puts his arm around FEMME. CHUCK takes SUSAN's hand.)
CHUCK: Well I guess this is good-bye for now.
FEMME and HOMME: (together) Good-bye…for now.
(FEMME and HOMME burst out laughing. CHUCK and SUSAN walk toward and enter the spaceship holding hands. Everyone is calling 'Bye'.)