The Illusion of Superiority
"A small fall can mean the end of the road for one who had always tasted success."
I was at the top, or near the top. I had always been. It felt good to be at the top.
Then, I fell. The blow was too much. I could not stop falling. There was no branch in sight on this steep slope that I could grab. They were all just… beyond my reach.
I wasn't blamed for the sudden drop in results. When there was no other reason to be found, they blamed the only thing I loved as a hobby. After all, how can a genius suddenly lose his intellect just in three months?
It was taken away from me.
"One can reflect how his surrounding people treat him."
It may be because of my face, or it may be that I was terrible at socializing, but many of my classmates called me a snob. I tried to find out why but they simply refused to reveal the reason.
Hurt and angry, hate grew in my heart for the very first time. I was unable to contemplate why I was treated this way, and hence I strayed further and further from people. And without my hobby to relate to, all the suppressed pain evolved into spite. I became extremely cynical and began to question. I doubted everything there was to doubt.
"When a pile of a building is driven too deep, everything falls apart."
The slope in which I slid steepened. I lost all reason to study and I began to question my reason of existence. My results fell even lower.
Now my parents could begin to blame me. Having had enough, I made up my mind to study, and I aced several tests in a row. Feeling accomplished, I showed my results to my parents. Not even a bit of recognition. What was I hoping for? I lost my will again.
I sought solace in games. After every win, I would feel happier. I loved to be superior. But all that ever existed in reality only made sure I was inferior. I hated reality.
"When the bottom has been reached and the line has been crossed, it is time to make a decision."
Not long after, a sense of confidence surged in me. I began to doubt my poor results and established several reasons that could have been the cause. I eliminated any one that I was the root of, like not studying enough and the like. I began to believe that I will get good results at the end, and it was just a matter of time. I believed that I was still above the rest.
I knew it was just an illusion, but I loved it. I loved to indulge in that illusion. It was so exhilarating, so addictive, so... possible.
I decided to stick to what I believed in, and I ignored any other comments directed at me. After all, I am superior.
"When a bird is caged for too long, it might decide that death allows more freedom."
I began to rebel. I started to have thoughts about rebelling against everything, if that would earn me respect and freedom. I began to talk back to everyone, and I began to make snide comments to spite everyone.
I know I had reached my limit at tolerating verbal abuse and discouragement, so I released some of that pent up sorrow.
But even that was not enough, and I decided that I had had enough of life.
I stared outside the window, thinking whether to do it. Most of me did not want to, as that would mean I could not get back at all the people who made me what I was today. But even that was a lie. I was simply afraid.
Finally acknowledging my defeat, I declared that I was just another useless person.
"What does not kill you only serves to decapitate you for life."