The truth is, for a long time, I've felt like I have been missing something. I feel as though I've been deprived of the love I've felt inside of me for so long. I've had to suppress all of my feelings and thoughts and love for…I don't know how long to be exact. And I can't tell you how much that hurts me, it's just too much. I'm trying not to think about it. It wasn't anyone's fault, I just was with the wrong guy. I found a quote the other day that made me feel better "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary" I am sad beyond belief, but I am feeling better as time goes on. I'm more sad at myself, if that makes sense. I'm sad I kept trying for so long, I'm sad I kept waiting. So, I need you to know that because it's the way I feel, and it's not going to be fixed in a heartbeat. But I am getting better, and I will continue to get better, I know that I can get through anything.
I didn't know what was going to happen when I reached out to talk to you in September. I think I just wanted to know you were okay, and that we could somehow be together in some shape or form. I missed talking to you; I missed knowing where you were and what you were doing and…everything. I didn't have any intention of falling for you. But Dan, you've been under my skin for what seems like a long time now. We've been apart pretty much since you graduated, and I pushed you away. I pushed you away because part of me knew the intensity of my feelings for you, and I just couldn't bear to deal with them. Because for the longest time, I believed that John was all I ever wanted…and as much as I loved him, he was not enough for me, and I was too much for him. Something like that. When you came to my door that night after you got home from basic, I knew…I knew I was falling for you. I remember the feeling of you against me, and the way my heart sputtered when your cheek brushed mine, and I had closed my eyes…And part of me regrets not kissing you that night, but another part of me knows that you, as much as you liked me then, were not ready for me. I'm sorry I stopped talking to you. That's one of my regrets. But I think we've both done a lot of growing up in that time, so maybe it was for the better.
I was feeling so…empty the night I invited you over. I just have been feeling like an empty shell for a while now. I felt like I was slipping away, and he was slipping away. And I just wanted to feel something; I wanted to just be with you and you alone. I was the one that did this, you may have kissed me but it probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't invited you into my bed. Face it, it wouldn't have. You lying next to me, and us just talking and laughing and you touching my hair just felt so right. You feel right to me. I had just wanted to see you that night, for whatever reason. When you kissed me, I didn't have to kiss you back. I didn't have to open my mouth to feel yours and touch your skin. That was me, all me. I've caused so much pain to so many people, including me. But what bothers me the most, is you. I've caused so much pain to you, that is what I hate the most. I hate it because all of my pain and guilt is somehow radiating to you. This is my battle, with myself and with everything.
I want to give you all of me. I want to more than ever. But, I am afraid of you. Terrified of what you do to me, what you make me feel is amazing and I'm afraid of never feeling like this again…I am afraid of what will happen between us, what will happen to us. I don't know what you really expect from me right now. I am doing my best. It's hard enough to just keep hanging on. Some days I'm surprised I made it without crying or screaming or just laying down and letting everything go to hell. This is the most anguished I've ever felt. I'm torn and ripped apart and yet I am happy, insanely happy and I love you, and I just feel devastated and angry and blissful and just SO CONFLICTED. And on top of it all, I'm just trying to trust me and trust you and trust fate…trust you. I don't trust, but I still choose you.
Part of me is afraid of you leaving me here and finding somebody else to fill my shoes. Part of me is terrified you'll get tired of waiting for me to be free, waiting for me to be ready to fully commit to you. I am so afraid all of the time, but the flight part of me is gone. Fight or flight. I fight, that's what I choose.
Please don't give up on me; please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't forget about me. It's you; it's always been you, I think. I've always wondered about you, and now that I have you, I can't shake you out of my system. You've gotten under my skin, and I never want to lose that, ever.
Ill always be here, just like I always have been. I'm never going to go somewhere without you being able to find me. I promise. I don't have anything else left to say…except that I love you. I LOVE YOU.