They don't tell you what it's going to be like. You hear that it sucks but I guess that's because there's no other way to describe it. It sucks. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. They were wrong. They say that unrequited love is one of the worst things. When you care about someone so much but they just can't see it. I disagree. The worst is this. To have known someone, to have loved them. To have been everything to them, and for them to have been a part of you. And then to very suddenly not have them anymore. Because that's the difference between not having loved or being unrequited, in those situations you don't know what you're missing. I have to live everyday knowing that he was the best thing to ever happen to me and that I lost him, and that she's the luckiest girl in the world.
We still talk so I can pretend sometimes. I know that he can't ever be mine again but somewhere in my messed up head I've convinced myself I can. It's the only thing keeping me sane. It isn't healthy to hold on, but it's been a long time since I was anywhere close to healthy.
Everyone knows about the Freshman Fifteen that you're supposed to gain your first year or semester of college. I've lost ten pounds. I'm honestly surprised it hasn't been more. I haven't eaten anything I could hold down in four days. I just lost my appetite entirely. The thought of them together literally makes me sick. I don't sleep either because I'm terrified I'll dream about him. I stay up all night on the internet to distract myself so I don't think about them. I need the distraction, but now I have to go back to school. I can't have my computer running all night because I have a room mate and I need to be courteous. I start to think then, and when I think it makes me cry. It's hard to hide it when someone is sleeping six feet away from you, but I do it every night. It gets hard pretending that you're ok. It's hard now hiding the fact that I'm not eating from my family, and it'll be hard hiding the difficulty sleeping at school. Sometimes it's a miracle that I'm standing. I can't see an end to it, but I'll just keep going until I either fix myself, or I break beyond repair.