Sleep Apnea

By Jay Duret

"What do you want me to do with the mustache?" She said.

"Can you trim it up?" I asked.

"Sureā€¦ How come you have a mustache?"

"I don't know. I have had it for a long time."

"How long?"

"A long, long time."

"You should take it off," she said.

"Really? You want me to cut it off?"

"Why not?"

"Er, I don't know about doing that today. You really think I should?"

"Well, why don't I just clean it up? You probably should cut it off, but you can wait for another day for that."

"Yeah, OK."

"How come you have it, anyway?"

"I don't think there is a reason."

"My dad has a mustache. A big red handlebar one. He got it because he had sleep apnea."

"Sleep apnea? What does that have to do with a mustache?"

"He was really bothered by the sleep apnea so he went in the hospital for this treatment and they broke his jaw for a radical approach but it wasn't supposed to break the jaw into all those little pieces."

"Oh my God, his jaw broke into little pieces?"

" Yeah, and so they had to wire his mouth shut."

"Oh God. I would hate that."

"And then he lost all the feeling in his mouth."

"What, he lost all the feeling?"

"Yeah for like over a year but he has got it back now."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah and you should have seen him when he ate. Like his food would fall out halfway through the bite because he couldn't feel it in there."

"Oh God."

"Yeah it was pretty bad. He aged like 15 years."

"Does this ever stop?"

"No it was pretty bad."

"I still don't understand the mustache though. How come he has a mustache?"

"Well he couldn't feel in his mouth and he somehow thought he could feel better if he had a mustache."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, he just thought it would make it better."

"How did that work for him?"

"Didn't help at all, but he loves the mustache"

"That is one of the worst stories I have ever heard."

"Yeah, he's a lot better now though."

"Where did this surgery happen?"

"In the VA Hospital. I didn't think it was really such a good idea."

"I'd say."

"I mean his jaw wasn't supposed to break and everything but it was supposed to really help out with the sleeping."

"Well how does he sleep now?"

"Well he had to have his jaw wired shut for all this time and so he couldn't sleep very well."

"Ugghh."

"Yeah, we had to feed him through a straw. I mean it was really bad. I've never seen my father cry before but he was crying. It was just really bad."

"Well this has been a real pick-me-upper of a haircut."

"Your hair looks good. Do you want to see the back?"

"I'm not sure why I even came here. I just wanted a haircut. I wasn't counting on a story about your father."

"Yeah, it was really bad."

"Plus, now I hate my mustache."

"We can cut it off next time.

"No, I need it to sleep."

- Jay Duret