Someone told me
life is gone.
Told me to
imagine my roses.

Dreams aren't real,
they said.
When you're dead you disappear,
they said.

But why do I still
hear you,
the sweet sound of you,
if you're dead?

He's gone, Mariah.
Jake is

GONE.
Mariah he's dead.

I had to laugh.
I laughed as
the tears
poured from my eyes.

Why can't I believe that?
I find you everywhere.
I hear you everywhere.
You didn't disappear.

I tried to kill myself.
I tried to kill myself
to be with you
again.

I went through the pictures,
of my bloody wrists,
my bloody thighs,
my bloody face.

Videos titled:
Suicide #1.
Suicide #2.
Suicide #7.

Bloody bathroom floors,
bloody mirrors,
blades, knives,
shattered picture frames.

All because I wanted,
needed, longed,
to see your face
one last time!

My sweet, sweet boy!
I would choose hell
over heaven
for you.

(two cuts)
I remember drowning.
You were there, but blurry.
No no no Mariah, don't give up, Mariah!
Don't give up!
No, no NO! Mariah, shhh don't give up, MARIAH!

(four cuts)
I remember opening my eyes,
and you were gone again.
My lips were dry,
I was in the fetal position.

(eight cuts)
A girl.
A beautiful name.
Familiar face.
Erin?
No. Elizabeth?
Maybe.

Why is this so hard?