INT. A CAFÉ IN PARIS – MARSEILLES – PARIS – FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMOREI KIND OF STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION BECAUSE I WAS GETTING KIND OF DEPRESSED AT THIS POINT – AND ALSO ALL THE CHARACTERS I LIKE ARE DEAD...DEAD...*SOB* – DAY

CAMERAMAN
Hey, uh—is he okay?

VOICE OF GOD
Yeah...I'm getting kind of worried about him...

SHUT UP. THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

MATHILDE is sitting across the table, talking to PHILLY G

PHILLY
Gee. We could've saved Felix. You know—I feel really bad about not saving Felix. Really. I feel like we could've done a lot more to save Felix.

MATHILDE

PHILLY G
Felix.

MATHILDE
(leaning over table)
Philly. I want you to know this is in no way reflective or foreshadowing of events that may or may not happen later on in this movie.

PHILLY G
(drinking fine wine)
'kay.

MATHILDE
But you may get arrested if you keep hanging out in these sketch places.

PHILY G
(eating fine cheese)
Whaaat? Like—whaaat? This place ain't sketch, yo.

TWO PEOPLE are getting high off of CROISSANTS in the corner.

MATHILDE
Seriously. Lay low for a while.

PHILLY G
(eating foie gras)
'kay.

MATHIDLE
I have a feeling you should take the next plane out. Of France.

PHILLY G
(eating caviar)
'kay.

MATHILDE
Get—the fuck—out—of France.

PHILLY G
Got it.

MATHILDE
Like sometime in the near future. Do you understand?

PHILLY G
(not moving)
Yeap.

MATHILDE
(getting up)
Welp. I've done all I can do.

PHILLY G
See ya later, bro.

MATHILDE
(at door)
If you get arrested, we'll just have to replace you.

PHILLY G
Bitch, please. I'm irreplaceable.

MATHILDE EXITS.

BAM. LITERALLY TWO FUCKING SECONDS LATER THE FUCKING POLICE BUSTS DOWN THE DOORS. Wearing SCARVES and BERETS. So. Damn. Stylish.

FABULOUS LOOKIN' MAN
STOP

EVERYBODY STOPS.

FABULOUS LOOKIN' MAN
HAMMERZEIT!

EVERYBODY LOOKS CONFUSED.

FABULOUS LOOKIN' MAN
I mean, we're arresting you! For...(shakes MAGIC 8 BALL)...eating MEAT WITHOUT COUPONS!

PAUSE.

PHILLY G
Wut.

CROISSANT HUFFER
Look man, I ain't got no drugs—

FABULOUS LOOKIN' MAN
Identity checks for everyone!

MORE POLICE OFFICERS STORM IN.

FABULOUS LOOKIN' MAN
(Oprah voice)
You get arrested! You get arrested! Everybody gets arrested!

Everybody gets ARRESTED. FABULOUSLY.

INT. DUNGEON

Wow. This is quite literally a dungeon. Great job, you guys.

Everyone is CHAINED to the floor.

LE GUY
Holy shit, did we just get arrested for eating meat?

CROISSANT HUFFER
I—think so…

VEGAN HIPSTER GUY
(sipping latte)
Ugh, you guys are such losers.

LE GUY
Damn. I mean, I knew the Nazis were animal-rights activists but—damn.

BAD LUCK BRAIN
(way in the corner)
Hey guys, how come I'm chained all the way over here?

CROISSANT HUFFER
(pointing)
OMG you guys it's Superman!

BAD LUCK BRIAN
We're saved!

PHILLY G
(without glasses)
Nope. It's just me without glasses.

EVERYONE
D'awwww…

NAZI GUARD
(outside)
Did someone say something about SUPERMAN?

LE GUY
Nah.

CROISSANT HUFFER
Wait, how did I—

BAD LUCK BRIAN
Why is he speaking—

PHILLY G
Why are we speaking—

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GUYS.

LE GUY
(holding up carton)
Everything's going to be all right, you guys! I got cigarettes!

BAD LUCK BRIAN
Got any cyanide pills?

CROISSANT HUFFER
Got any croissants?

DIRECTOR
Got any more LSD?

PHILLY G
Drugs make everything better!

They pass around the CIGARETTES. They try to toss the carton to BAD LUCK BRIAN but do not try very hard.

BAD LUCK BRIAN
(looking at carton five feet away)
Man, fuck you guys.

NAZI GUARD
(yelling)
Beprjaoeprds[fp[safo[dpsf! dskalfjdskljfladskjf! uruirjoa!

LE GUY
He said They're coming, put out the cigarettes, he doesn't want any trouble.

PHILLY G
Holy shit, how did you understand that?

BAD LUCK BRIAN
(darkly)
Everybody has his own trouble.

LE GUY
Don't you hear the music?

The music is getting DRAMATIC.

CROISSANT HUFFER
This is the last time.

There is a fucking. Drum. Beat.

PHILLY G
What's this guy with the camera doing here?

CAMERAMAN
Don't mind me. I'm just taking some shots for the trailer.

DUM. DUM. DUM.

They put out the CIGARETTES.

See, this is what I'm talking about. Like, what the fuck? They gonna come and pull me outta my cell and machine gun me—I am DAMN well gonna finish my smoke—

BAD LUCK BRIAN
Woah, woah, woah, back up, back up. WHAT?!

Oh shit. Goddammit, stop reading the overlines you guys.

PHILLY G
Machine gunned?

Uh—spoiler alert?

CROISSANT HUFFER
I'm sure they wouldn't—

NAZI GUARD
aorirojaf;lmknkbadbtjopgjkperjgvlkbn kdfmlgk;kg[laewkgalpojadflkndf!

PHILLY G
What the fuck was that?

LE GUY
He said—

CUT TO: LE COULOIR DE LA PRISON

Walking down the hall. A REALLY FUCKING SCARY HALLWAY.

The SOLDIERS—oh, sorry—the NAZIS lead the prisoners down the hall.

LE GUY
I feel dizzy.

NAZI
pweio9jaigtjnelkfddakfsejakl kjedgfnj!

LE GUY
Wha?

NAZI
93eoerlkmclkd

LE GUY
Oh.

BAD LUCK BRIAN
He said, this music is scary.

Seriously. Imagine CAT CLAWS being dragged across a CHALKBOARD—in orchestral form—that is the fucking music right now.

PHILLY G (V.O.)
I am going to die. And I am not afraid. It's impossible not to be afraid when you are about to die. So in a sense I will never die. What a revelation. I can't wait to tell M.C.!

DUM. DUM. DUM.

PHILLY G (V.O.)
I feel like this would be much more eloquent if I said it in French.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

INT. SHOOTING RANGE

UTTER SILENCE. You know shit is about to get real right now.

For some reason there is some type of OFFICER here. Maybe it is just his job to watch people get shot all day. Maybe this is how he has fun. I don't know.

OFFICER
(speaking German)

LE GUY
Okay, now you are just being lazy.

PHILLY G
Wait —I just realized—I can't see shit right now.

The SOLDIERS leave them.

PHILLY G
(seeing OFFICER)
Holy shit, is that a dragon?

BAD LUCK BRIAN
No. It is a firing squad and a goddamn motherfucking machinegun.

LE GUY
A machine gun? Really? Really? Really?

OFFICER
Okay, you guys. We are going to play a little game.

PHILLY G
HOLY SHIT A TALKING DRAGON

OFFICER
We're going to let you have a head start before we begin firing. And if you outrun the bullets, we let you live.

LE GUY
Sounds reasonable.

OFFICER
Until the next round. Then we will shoot you anyway.

PAUSE.

BAD LUCK BRIAN
Haha…this is a joke, right? No one could be this much of a dick, right?

LE GUY
We might as well do it! We've got nothing left to lose!

CROISSANT HUFFER
Except like, you know. Dignity.

PHILLY G
What's that?

They get ready to RUN.

BAD LUCK BRIAN
Hey guys—how come there's nobody left from the last round?

PHILLY G
(crossing arms)
Well, I don't know about you guys. But I'm not listening to anything that a ten-metre tall rainbow-colored dragon that speaks French that sounds like English tells me to do.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

BAD LUCK BRIAN
(pointing)
Hey look—it's SUPERMAN!

NAZIS
(looking around)
SUPERMAN? WHERE?!

They get a head start. PHILLY G refuses to move.

PHILLY G
Nope.

The guy next to him gets SHOT.

PHILLY G
(crossing arms)
Nope.

The machine gun GOES OFF right by his foot.

PHILLY G
Nope.

The OFFICER takes out his fucking PISTOL and shoots at PHILLY G.

PHILLY G
OH MY FUCKING GOD

He proceeds to run like a little bitch. Despite being blind as a BAT he runs into a rope.

PHILLY G
Huh, I guess I'd better climb this.
(climbing)
Or hang myself with it.

He climbs through an opening in the roof of the SHOOTING RANGE, where MATHILDE, together with MASK and BISON are waiting.

PHILLY G
Because that is how things work in real life.

They blind the NAZIS by throwing SMOKE BOMBS into the SHOOTING RANGE. Then they jump into their getaway car and zoom away.

INT. RESISTOR-MOBILE

PHILLY G
You know, I thought this movie was pretty realistic up until now.
(pause)
I mean, who narrowly dodges the bullets of a machine gun only to be rescued by a bunch of flying dolphins at the last moment?
(pause)
Holy shit, that was awesome!

MATHILDE
(nonchalantly)
The trick was timing it right. And we timed it right.

PHILLY G
Hey, maybe we could've saved Felix this way!

BISON
Who?

MASK
No, no, we couldn't have. You see, Felix was being tortured for information about the Resistance so they would not have taken him out into an open space and executed him like that. Unless he had given them the information they wanted. And in that case we would not have wanted to rescue him.

BISON
Wait, how come they just decided to shoot Philly instead of slowly torturing him to death again?

MASK
Well, he gave them a fake ID.

PHILLY G – so badass that even his fake ID is wanted by the NAZIS. FOR EXECUTION. BY MACHINE GUN.

BISON
Well, maybe they just decided to shoot everybody in that café.

MASK
Because Nazis.

THE GHOST OF J.P. MELVILLE
Gettin' REAL TIRED of this shit

Oh. My. God.

THE GHOST OF J.P. MELVILLE
READ THE FUCKING BOOK YOU ASSHOLE

I'm getting to it...

THE GHOST OF J.P. MELVILLE
NOW BITCH

BISON
Who the fuck is that?

MATHILDE
Oh, that's the just spirit that haunts the Resistor-mobile. He keeps muttering about disemboweling some guy who's desecrating his work...

THE GHOST OF J.P. MELVILLE
I'LL CUT YOU

...please don't kill me, Mr. Melville...

PHILLY G
Wait, how did you guys know that I was going to run?

EVERYBODY looks at him.

PHILLY G
This entire plan depended on me running, right? But I almost didn't.
(pause)
It was the thought of that officer that did it. Like a little rabbit!

LONG PAUSE.

MASK
Oh. I thought this was going to turn into a philosophical moment.

EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE – NIGHT

BISON drops off PHILLY G in front of this sketch-looking house.

BISON
Okay, we need you to stop doing stupid things—I mean, lay low for a while. You can stay here.

PHILLY G
Wow, thanks Mr. Dolphin!

BISON
(handing him glasses)
For like three fucking months.

PHILLY G
(putting on glasses)
Wait—

BISON
It was nice knowing you—I mean, see you in three months, Philly.

PHILLY G
But I—

BISON DRIVES AWAY.

PHILLY G
Can I at least have some wine?