THE DEAFENING WHISPER

BY: DEXTER ORTILLANO (DEXSTAR)

Last night, I saw this folded paper sitting in the bench at the park. I know i should've leave it there but theres something about it that makes me pick it up and read it. And i am telling you this because i wanted the world to know his life. I never met him, neither know him. But if i have a chance i wanted to know more about him. I am not telling this to harm him in every way. But to show the world that he is important and he is worth everything he thought he is never. Honest. I shall start this. Here is the exact words he written.

Sorry "piece of paper" for writing this to you. I never mean to write this but i don't know if i can hold it to myself anymore. I am so devastated and i might die if i will not let this thoughts, feelings and pains out. So, i am very sorry. It's just that I'm not happy with my life anymore. I am such an imbecile. I remember when i first go to high school. I have nobody to talk with that time, no friends, no cousins. Nothing at all. I remember how i walk in the side of the hallway so i wouldn't step in to anybody's way. And it is just awful. I went to my class and sit near the window because that's the only chair not occupied. I watch my new classmate talk to everyone else except me. There is this feeling called "not belong" that i felt. Swear that i hate that feeling. So i decided to be friend with those influential persons in school so everyone will friend me. I try to hang out with those varsity player but they say "why are you hanging out with us?" cause first of all i am not a varsity and i am not a qualified to be one. I am too skinny to play basketball and i don't even dare to try out. So i decided to maybe hang out with those bully. Well our school do not tolarate bullies so they are not totally bully but i used the word bully because they like to treath weak students specially nerds in terms of assingments and project. And they smoke and drink before classes. But like those varsity students they thought i am not like them. They thought i don't have the quality that they have and i am too weak for them. I don't know where else to hang out with. Cheerio also are influential but i can't hang out with them because they all girls and i am not a gay. I try to ask my mom if i were her classmate back in her high school days what she would think of me, she say if i were her classmate back then she would think i am a brainy student with all the knowledge to succeed in life. And she would think i am a very good person that everyone would like to be friend of. But of course i know she is saying that because she is my mother and she would say everything nice for me. I lose my way of finding true friends. I hang out with whoever i want to hang out to. Even i know they are bad influence to me. I remember the time that i hang out with those what they called "emo". I thought i find true friends in them because when i walk into them one break time. They never asked me what am i doing here, who do i think i am?. Things like that. They just look at me and say what's your name?, i tell them my name and they let me sit in their table. There was this skinniest guy on the group who wear eyeliner all the time and wear black shirt and black skinny jeans and he friended me. He keep me on track where i can find them. Like where they are sitting during break time and lunch time. He is actually nice to me and i said i treated him as my friend and he replied he also. So he is one of the reason why i keep on hanging out with them. But actually I find them wierd because they keep on talking about their family problem, school, love. I mean there's nothing wrong about that it's just, i mean..i don't know. I find it a bit disturbing because it's always problem and problem. One afternoon we were sitting under the tree and one of them talked about how he wanted to end his own life because he's sick of it. His mother and father always fighting and his girlfriend broke up with him. I thought it was like the other rant of teenager that only wants to share problems to let his feelings out so i ignored it like how i ignored every problem they shared. And then the next day i heard that he found dead in his bedroom. And that guy who commit suicide is the one i treated my friend. He is my friend and i didn't do anything about that. Even i know that he wanted to commit suicide. It's just i keep on blamming myself that i didn't do anything about it. And i don't know what happen next. There was this emo girl who dyed her hair violet say they found me on the janitor room crying. A soft and silent cry. And when they ask me what's wrong i replied "i didn't help him" and then i faint. And when i woke up i find myself in the school clinic and this violet haired girl is there watching me. She said i don't have to blame myself for not doing anything because it wasn't my fault. She said she experienced it many times and she know it's quite disturbing. But i just have to accept that i don't have to do anything because i just can't. Everybody can't. I don't know, if only i can return that time i just wanted to talk to him. Maybe explain to him that commiting suicide is not the answer. I just couldn't believe that i didn't do anything to help him, i should've comfort him or something. This violet haired girl become my friend. She accompanied me and just like him. She is so nice. She introduce me to her other friends. There was this hunk looking guy who always wear black shirt and black leather jacket. He said it makes him look more hunk. And there was this black haired girl with blonde dyed highlights who is a fashionista. I think She's not very social person but her smile is so sweet. And i think she is very beautiful. They are his friends when he was still alive. They become my company until i recovered in my psychological problem. Actually they are all very nice, they kept silent about him for a while. Maybe they know that i am very affected of his death. Well they are, too. But it was my first time that I've lost a friend and them, they have experience it twice or thrice. Well, i guess life must go on. I spend almost my half school year with them until this day came. I grew more dependent with this black haired fashionista girl. She is really really nice and she didn't mind me being around her. I almost spent my whole breaktime talking with her, we like to tell each other our past life, how we feel during this history professor class, what can we say about this girl or guy on this class and to tell you honestly. I really really really like her. I enjoy her company a lot. Take note, a lot. I asked her if she have a boyfriend cause if she don't, cause i really really like her. But she didn't answer my question instead she just leave me there and run. I try to follow her but she's gone. The next day i never saw her. She didn't go to the same place where we ate lunch. I try to ask her classmate but they say she didn't attend class today. I was so depressed. What have i done?. Is there something wrong about what I've said? Or what I've done?. I didn't saw him for a couple of weeks so i decided to go where she live. I knocked on the front door and after 3 minutes of knocking. Someone open the door and it was her with a big tummy. She asked me what am i doing here and i said visiting her. She said i don't have to visit her and for now on i should stop bothering her. I asked why and she said i just can't. Why they always say i can't? Can't they believe that sometimes i can?. She was about to close the door but i stopped her. I said "wait, what's wrong? Did i do something wrong? And why your tummy is that big?" And there were tears started to fall in her eyes. I don't know. But it makes me cry, too. She gave up and told me what happen. She said before i met her she was pregnant and her boyfriend say he can't be a father right now so he leave her and she can't tell it to her parents because her parents can't even support the studies of her little brothers and sisters then she will bear a baby. So she run away from home and leave her family. She never stopped crying when she was telling me that and i was crying, too. She said i don't have to cry so i stopped. And when we're both calmed down i talked to her. I gave her some advice that she should go home to her parents and explain everything. She said she would be in a big trouble and she don't know what to do. I said just believe in yourself and everything will be okay soon. And after that we have a muffins and a cup of coffee. She told me she really like coffee that it makes her relax. And after that i go home and started to think what will happen tommorrow. Will everything be alright between her and her parents?. And will everything be alright about me?. The next day this black haired fashionista girl called me, she said she will go home now and she thanked me for the advice. I smiled after hearing it. But somehow i felt something unexplainable. I still love her but she have now a baby and i think she should focus on her life as a mother now. That afternoon i do nothing. I just prayed that everything would be alright for her and her baby. The next day news travel around our school that one girl students of this school has passed on. And it was so disturbing that none of us know who could that be. This violet haired girl came running to me and asked me if i heard the news. I said about the girl that passed. She said yes. I replied i don't know who she is but I'm really sad about it and she told me how could i didn't know. I said why, is there something i should know. She said that the girl passed is this black haired fashionista girl. And it really terrifies me. Like, what happen?. Last night she said she would go back to her parents and now this?. This violet haired girl said when she was on the way to her parents' house something happen to the breaks control of the bus she was on. And then everything falls. The bus she was ridding bump into the other truck and because the truck is lot more bigger, the bus flew on to the other lane and it crashed in to another vehicle that made the accident even worst. Bloodier. I just couldn't believe it. She had a future ahead of her. How about her baby?. They will go to his parents and grandparents of the baby. They will meet them there in their house. And she will be forgiven by her parents and the baby will grow as beautiful as she are. I don't know anymore. I started crying until i faint. When i woke up. I was in my room and my mom was there. She asked me what happen. I said that this friend of mine had passed. She said everything would be alright that someday when i wake up i will realize that all the things happen to me have a good reason and that day i wouldn't have to cry because everything was alright. I just wished that everything would go right in short time. Weekend grew a lot longer. On saturday i went on the funeral and again. I started crying. It's just when i saw her face, i thought what about when she was still alive? What about if her baby was born? What will gonna be his/her name?. There was so many thoughts coming out of my mind that i don't know anymore how to handle it. I saw this hunk looking guy and this violet haired girl sitting and when this hunk looking guy saw me. He just punch me in an unknown reason. This violet haired girl stopped her and helped me stood up. He say it was my fault, all their friends that become also my friend die and i should have leave them alone because i gave them bad luck. The violet haired girl stopped him again. She said it wasn't my fault it was an accident. And this hunk guy was about to punch me again but when this violet haired girl shouted he stopped and started crying loud and keep on ranting about how he missed his two friends and how it was hard for him to grow apart with the two friends he shared his childhood with. I hated myself because i made my friend cry and he even blamed me for their death. I started to think that maybe it was me that gave this group of friend a bad luck. I started to walk away with them. Still crying. The violet haired girl called me but i still didn't look at them. My mind was full of thoughts that i didn't understand what was she saying. All i know is i kept on walking on walking. Until i find myself lying on the cold hard ground outside our house and my mom came running from inside and hugged me and asked me what happen. I told her what happen. And she said i better have a cup of chocolate because i was so cold. The next morning, it was actually a same morning if only he was still alive and she was still here talking with me on the park but it wasn't because they died and it was because of me. According to him and worst, to me. Mom made an extra special breakfast for me. A triple chocolate pancake, extra crispy bacon, double sunny-side-up egg and a hot cup of chocolate. It makes me smile that my mom gave extra effort because she know that i was frustrated. Dad gave me a quick manly hug and a kiss in my forehead and say that everything will be alright before he go to work. It is so nice to have a parents like them. That day i don't do anything. I was just locked up in my room and thinking what should i do and would everything be alright again between broken things. Until i decided to go out and catch some fresh air. When i open the door it was almost dinner time. Is it really that long i was locked up in my room. I mean it feels like it's only one and a half hour. My mom said she was knocking me all day. Maybe i was very drowned in my thoughts that's why i didn't heard her knock. She said i should eat something because she know i was starving. I said i wasn't, i can still feel her breakfast in my tummy. I just need to walk alone and some fresh air. She said i should take care of myself because if they were alive they will be sad if i didn't take care of myself. I walk down the street and went to anywhere where my feet takes me. I spent a couple of hour of my evening walking and when I think i should go home. I went home and slept. Monday morning wasn't good at all. I wanted to skip class but i have to take a long examination on algebra so it left me with no choice but to get ready and go to school. My first two classes wasn't good as they supposed to be. I find it a bit boring. My algebra examination is quite difficult for me. So i guess i need to study hard on finals. When the bell rung and it's breaktime i went to the old place where we used to eat. But this violet haired girl and hunk guy didn't sat with me. They were with their other classmate, this violet haired girl gave me her sweetest smile and said sorry thru her lips but this hunk guy just ignored me like i was just a dirt on the floor. They were senior while he and me are freshman and the black haired fashionista girl is junior. So i don't have any choice but to eat by myself. It wasn't hard right?. It wasn't, wasn't it?. The school time tick so slow. And i just can't help it but to think what should i do about the current issue. I think and think and think and finally. I made up my mind. I know i should think it over but i guess it would be better if it's in this way. The next day was an ordinary day but this was a lot different for me. On breaktime i saw violet haired girl and hunk guy sitting in our ussual place during breaktime. The violet haired girl saw me and smiled at me then wave her hand gesturing me to hurry up. But i went on different direction. It would make things better if i will be the one that will stay away from them. I know it will make things a lot better. The hunk guy lifted his head when he recognized i wasn't going on thier place and i got a glimpes of his eyes and somehow i saw a regret in there. No, it was not a regret. Shame on me, i am a bad luck and i will think he regreted everything he does and said. Actually he is right for doing what he does on me and if i were on his place I'll do it, too. I sat at the near end of the canteen cause that's the only part of the canteen where less student sit. I ate my lunch in complete silence until someone sat down beside me and said why are you alone and when i look at who is it, it was. Wait, who is this guy?. I know i have seen him before around but i never know his name. He have a body of an athlete, a very charming face and an ocean blue eyes that can captivate anyone. He offered his hand and i take it and shook it. "You know, i heard about what happen at funeral and i think it's not right. It's not your fault, obviously. It's just, he don't have to do it like that" i just nodded, actually not listening to what he is saying. "You know, i was just saying this because i think you are a great person…", it blows me away. For the first time someone thought i was great except for my family. And this wasn't a friend. I look at him and he gave me a smile. And for a moment i thought i find a new friend. He was a varsity but unlike any other varsity, he is nice. He accompanied me all the time. He let me watch their practice game and their seasonal and it's was so good. They won all the time and he said it was because of me. We went into the bar every friday night and saturday. He even taught me how to drink beers and smoke ciggaretes. At first i find it bad for a teenager like me but he said it was okay and it's part of growing up so it was okay to me, too. This friday night he said we will go downtown for the party of his friend and he said i don't have to worry because he got me and his friends are really nice. So all i have to do is wait until friday, just so you know im quite excited about it. It will gonna be my first party and like what I've heard, parties are really fun and enjoyable. Friday night came so fast just the way i want it. He said he'll pick me up at 6 cause he will use his beetle and drives us to his friends house. And just like we planned he came exactly at 6 with his beautiful red beetle. He said it will take us 20 to 30 minutes to get us there. Five blocks away i already heard the loud sound system booming to his friend house and when we entered the house, smokes filled my lungs and a blinding flashing lights hit my eyes. People are dancing everywhere, there are couples making out on the sofa, a lot of teenager drinking beers and smoking cigarettes. I just stood there beside the door because the smokes of the cigarretes is killing me. He left me there and said he will get us something to drink but 15 minutes passed when he left still he didn't come. There was this blonde lady with a pierce in his nose sat beside me, I thought i know her but she said it was the first time we met but swear her face really look familiar, she said how am i doing?, i replied I'm okay, she said i didn't look okay so i just gave up, i said I'm not used at this kind of parties and my friend who brought me here is nowhere to be found. She said she understand that i look innocent and then she gave me a cup of something i don't know so i just drink it because my mouth is really dry and i think i need to drink something to freshen me up and she suggested that we go upstairs where less people and less smokes, i said that's better. So we went upstairs, we passed a couple making out beside the stair, i just laughed, I don't know i just wanna laugh, She said i should don't mind it, so we continued, we ended up in a room. She said it was nice here, i said a lot more better. So we talked about our lives, she was a senior and a member of photography class. Then we came up to the subject about sex, she asked if i like to have sex, i replied i don't know, then she asked why i don't know, i said i don't know. Then she took a step forward to me, she was looking straight at my eyes and then she kissed me. On the lips. And i don't know what to do. She keep on doing that until she bit my upper lips that makes me open my mouth and then her tongue entered my again, i don't know what to do. She pushed me to the bed and made me lay there. I just froze there, nothing left in my mind. Her hands went inside my shirt and it tickles me so i moved, she said i don't have to move that she will be doing the things and it wonders me how can she talk even our lips are locked together. And i don't know what that things. She unbottoned her blouse and swear her breast is lot more bigger than what i saw at TV. She unhooked her bra and played her tongue with mine. I saw her eyes are close so i close mine, too. I can feel her breast crashing into mine and my head hurts like hell. Sudenlly I heard the door open, we look at who is it and it was just another couple who are making out. My vision started to blur and she kissed me again but this time it was lot more different. More feelings i felt. More horny than a while ago. And then everything start to totally blur my vision. When i woke up, i was lying on the bed, completely naked. The blonde girl is nowhere in sight. The door slowly open and it was the varsity who is my friend. He smiled at me and said what can i say about it. I said i don't know all i care about is my aching head and to remember what happen. He said it was okay and he took the cup of my drink and smelled it, he said something about mari and juana. And who the hell are they. I took my clothes and dressed up, he said i was so good that i experienced it on my first party. I asked what have i experienced, and he replied "you really didn't remember?", i shook my head no and he just laughed. That day i keep on bothering him about what had happen and he will just laughed and ignored me. I really can't remember what had happened last night and i am really really eager to know. I thought about asking the blonde girl last night but no matter how i tried i can't even remember who is that and what she looks like. All my mind can give me is a blur image of a blonde girl. My head still hurt, good thing it was saturday i can rest all the time. Saturday is boring. The varsity with an ocean blue eyes said i should just rest, no more clubbing tonight for me. He even joke about what happen last night. And it irritated me again. Why can't i remember what happened last night?. So i just lay in my bed and sleep. When i woke up i recieve a text message from the hunk guy asking me to meet him tommorow at the school gate. I wonder why he wanted me to go to school at sunday. Well i hope what will happen tommorow will be something nice. I took a breath and even i don't want to I started to think again. I really don't know about me but no matter how i tried not to think, i can't help but to think what will happen next day. I just hope it is something nice. Sunday morning, I wake up early and went to the school early than what we have talked. I will just wait here. Minutes passed. Hours passed. The sky is turning red but he is still not here. What happened to him?, he said he'll meet me here. I look at my phone and check if i read it right. It's right but where is he?. When the sun finally drowned and the moon reign the sky. I decided to go home. I'll just asked him tommorow at school. Monday morning class is just like the old time, boring. During breaktime i took it as a chance to find the hunk guy. And there, sitting at the ussual place where we ate lunch when we were still hanging out together. When he saw me. I don't know but he give me a glare, a totally bad glare. And i saw his fist clench. And second thing happen is his fist was on my face until my body drop on the floor. I heard everyone shout. And he punch me again in the face. Punch. Punch. And another punch. I can feel a blood in my nose and my tooth started to move. He keep on saying "f*ck you" and i don't know why he is doing this and saying this. Until someone pick him up. He was about to punch me again but someone stop him. And this violet haired girl help me stood up. She asked this hunk guy why he do that he replied i raped her girlfriend. I said i didn't do anything. He said his girlfriend said it. And this blonde girl i met at the party showed up behind him and said i raped her. I said i didn't and this varsity with ocean blue eyes said i did. And this hunk guy punch me again. Until the principal came and stop all this commotion and bring all of us in her office, she asked us what happened, this hunk guy said i raped her girlfriend. And this blonde girl agreed that she was raped by me. I wanna depend myself but whenever i will say something this hunk guy and this blonde girl will say something. And i was so depressed that this varsity with ocean blue eyes who i thought my friend was on this blonde girl side. He said that it was my intension to raped her. I just sat there, crying, soft and silent. Good thing this violet haired girl was there tapping my back for comfort. Cause i barely need a friend right now. After that they bring them to their next class and for said i should stay in the detention until the class was over and a guidance councelor will take me home and explain to my parents what happen. So i go to the detention room and i saw no one in there except for the detention officer. So i guess im the only student in the detention this day. I just dropped my bag on the floor, sat at the chair and lay my head on the table. And again i think what should i do until i drowned into sleep. When i woke up the detention officer said that the guidance councelor will be here any minute that i should fix myself, i said thank you and before she leave i asked her if anyone has been sent in the detention, she said none. So this is it. It means that this day I am the only one who is sent to the detention, lucky for me huh!. When i go out, the guidance councelor was there and also this hunk guy who glared at me again and said i was so fool that he was about to apologize on what he did at the funeral but because of what I've done to his girlfriend he said what he said at the funeral was right. The guidance councelor stopped him and he took me on his car and drive me home. On the way home. He asked me why i did that. I said i never did anything that my head hurts that time and i can't remember anything. He asked me if I'm drunk that time. I replied i don't know, i never been drunk before so i don't know if i am that time. He asked if i met or know that blonde girl, i said i don't know but all i could remember that night was i was talking with a blonde girl and she gave me something to drink and then nothing. He stayed quiet for a while before saying what am i doing the past week. I said i was hanging out with this varsity with ocean blue eyes and we go to club every friday and saturday and he brought me to his freind's party this friday, he just nodded and continue driving. We stop in front of my house and before we go out the car i said I'm very sorry if he thinks i did it cause i really can't remember it so if i have done that, i am sorry, he said i don't have to be sorry to him, so i just said im sorry for the disturbance i made to him, he said it's okay. He knocked at the front door and my mom take it. She said what happen. The guidance councelor said that he just wanna say something and explain something about me. My mom bring us to the living room, she called dad and the guidance councelor said what had happened this day and told them about the raped thing they accused me. I was just there. Sitting, tear falls in my eyes, bowed down. When it was over the guidance councelor leave and me and my parents eat dinner in complete silent. My dad keep on looking at me, my mom,too. I am so ashamed of myself. What have i done?. After dinner i said i will just walk and get some fresh air, i didn't wait for their answer I just go out and walk whereever my feet takes me. And when i look around, i was here, at the park. I sat down in this bench and place my hand in my pocket. I feel something so i take it out and it was a paper and a pen. I guess i need this two. And i write everything that's on my mind.

And that's it. I am so.. I don't know.. after i read this. It's just.. i mean his life must be that worst and i don't think he deserve that. I think he is so great and he is so kind and nice and everything, but why all the people on his life didn't see that. I never thought that this kind of life happen in reality, i thought it only happen at movies, and i pity him. I feel terible for him.

But guess his life should be that way, just like what his mom said that after everything there will come the time that he will realize that everything happen to him because that things will make his life complete and better. And he wouldn't have to cry because everything was better, all he have to do is to enjoy every second of his life. I just wish that he do nothing bad to his self and that he finally wake up that everything was alright. I just like to say that if his life now is complicated because of things around him it is because he have a great future ahead of him that it was just a training or something to keep him strong. That's what my interpretation of what his mom said to him.

This night i decided to walk again in the park, maybe get some fresh air and release this poignant cause by that letter in the paper. I sat at the exact bench where i find that paper and started to think who own that paper. And it just frustrate me. If he left this paper here then maybe i know him or maybe i saw him walking down the street but who could that be?. I kick a stone on the ground because of frustration and bowed down my head. Under the bench i saw a folded paper again and it lifts my spirit up.