One can only wonder how their life will end and begin. One can wonder if they will go anywhere except into the ground or burnt into ashes. Not much of a choice when you're in the end of your life. I used to wonder much about my life and how shitty it was but realized then that it was more fucked up than I thought. All through my life I wondered how such bad things could happen to me in my childhood, when I had my first love, or even tried to work to live on my own.
I could pace back and forth in my apartment all day asking myself the same damn questions over and over again. Why don't I do something else? Why don't I try to least stand up for myself when others push my down? I can only answer that is because my pride or if I had any was destroyed long ago. I never really had any to begin with; I just imagined that I had the courage to do things I thought were otherwise impossible.
It was a nice night to sit back in my couch to stare at the fucking wall until it was time for me to either go to work or go do something. This was something that drove me nuts as all hell. I just sat there looking at the wall wondering if I could see anything. Just staring at the wall made it clearer that I was dead and long gone. There was nothing inside me that I wanted to give back to this world. I didn't want to give anything back ever again. I was a tired old man if you could call thirty an old man but the life I had lived I felt that way.
The life I lived was something that I didn't want to live or continue to live on. Some would say things get better in time and that you will achieve better things. But all I really achieved was a dead end job, barely any money, and all alone. Not even my family would come by. I could always hear things when I worked by my co-workers of how I looked or how I dressed in which wasn't pleasant things.
I didn't look bad as in ugly but in today's society and how the media portrays people then yeah I was a maggot. Guess it would have helped if I ever brushed my short brown hair or even thought to shave maybe once. I let my beard grow out because I wasn't concerned or, cared about what people thought of me. I dressed in the usual t-shirt and khakis. I could feel that my weight was starting to become a problem. It was probably one too many beers and greasy cheese burgers. Maybe eating all that would kill me before I killed myself.
The wall still looked nice as I stared. Damn I knew that I had to get up to do something. So I went to the fridge to get one thing that could sooth my mind, it was a cold can of beer. Beer to me was like an old high school buddy that you could hangout with and tell all your problems and not have to worry about if they liked you or not. They were just there to hangout, to have a good time. That's why I wished I had been some good friends but all I had was just myself. I thought maybe that I had a friend at work but wasn't sure. I never really trusted anyone. Most of my trust was related back to when I was younger and I rather not tell anyone why I had such bad trust issues.
I figured probably was time to get up and go to work. This day was special for me because I had something planned out for everyone at work. Yeah, I could explain what it is or what it was about but better to express with showing everyone what I wanted to do. Some would say this plan would be stupid or was without any kind of reason but I had my reasons. Oh, so many reasons I had and they were going to learn that all I wanted to be is left alone. All though I wanted to be left alone I did a little inside of me wanted to have someone. But I had to keep telling myself over and over, 'Screw them, you don't need anyone except yourself. All they do is back stab you and shit on you.' It was like a lingering statement that continued to plague my mind. I wanted to so bad to shut it out but it just kept coming back to me.