Let's Beef Up That Profile

So, the most deterring factor in when I'm choosing who I would like to message for a potential date – is their lack of a profile. Oh, it's there all right, pictures and words, but nothing to really see. Remember, when you're creating an online dating profile, it's almost like a resume here. You're really trying hard to sell yourself. The harder you try to sell yourself, the less you'll have to spend (did that metaphor make sense?). What I'm trying to say is that with a fantastic profile, you'll spend less time weeding through these half-written profiles, and more time keeping up with your inbox! Let's start.


Everybody is shallow, oh, just accept it. The first thing I'm going to nitpick about is the photos. Me, I like a photo where I can see somebody's face, with some sort of a smile on it. My boss actually commented on one POF profile where the man had his lips closed with every smile. She asked him, "Do you have bad teeth, or what?" His reply was, "No, my teeth are perfect. I just don't like to smile." OUCH. I don't know which one is worse in that scenario. Photos can reveal a lot more than you think. The basic photo is a good one, you can even take it with your webcam, just show your face and a smile. This is perfect for a main photo, this is what the world will see first – your gorgeous face smiling out, "Here I am world! Pick me!"

Women's Photo Don'ts

Ladies, don't show a photo of your cleavage. What man is going to take you seriously? Alternatively, don't be too afraid to show off that bod, be you bodacious, curvaceous, itsy-bitsy teensy-weeny, or the of course, average. Put a photo of yourself in a nice dress, let him know that you are a lady that's FULL of class and deserve to be treated like one.

Do not, do not post photos of yourself with your ex-boyfriend. This is self-explanatory.

Those artsy Instagram mirror shots you took on your iPhone? Those are perfect for Facebook, but not so much if you're putting effort into finding somebody. I'm sure they're so indie and everything else Instagram stands for, but hopefully you're at least out of high school.

Bar star shots. Need I say anything more? It's nice that you're a girl who likes to go out and have a fun time, but to me, a shot of you and your friends in skin tight black mini dresses says that you're the kind of girl who goes out in January wearing next to nothing, high-heels that will be in your man's hands by 1AM while you're complaining about being cold, you're probably going to drink too much, and he's probably going to take advantage of that fact. I don't care if you're a bar star – just don't advertise it and expect men to treat you like a woman.

Men's Photo Don'ts –

Gentlemen, believe it or not, we don't give a flying fuck about your six-pack (unless we're talking beer, kidding!) that you've so generously lifted up your wife-beater (foreshadowing term there, ladies) for and took a photo with your iPhone in the bathroom mirror. Hey, can we get some face? And no, douchebags, I'm not talking about what you think I'm talking about. I want to see more than your attempt at working out here.

Again with the exes! I've seen so many photos of a guy standing with his arm around a girl, and her face is blurred out or worse yet – he's opened the photo in Paint and drawn a big circle over her face. Wow, that's classy – that really shows how easily you can write a woman out of your life. Or are you showing off the fact that you once upon a time did have a woman? Don't expect to find another with one of these photos.

Group photos. Group photos drive me absolutely insane. Yes. You like to go out with your 'boys' and that's cool and all, but please for main profile picture's sake, let me not play a guessing game of which one you are. "Is he the cute one?" I don't have time to go scrolling through your entire profile to look through photos to find out which one you are, then read your profile and realize that you're an asshole.

In Conclusion: Photos – it's easy. Face the camera. Don't use Instagram. Smile, even a little bit. Show your face, not your body. Have just yourself in the main photo, so people don't have to guess who you are. Next!

About You

Believe it or not, this section is actually supposed to be … about you. Who would have guessed? So many of the profile I see say things like, "I like music, movies, hanging out, you know, stuff." And that's it. Wow, I like stuff too!

Think about it from your angle – when you're messaging somebody with a profile that says basically NOTHING about them, what are you going to say? The dreaded "Hey." That's it, zip, that's all you can say, and so instead you'll skip this profile and go along to somebody who actually has something to say about themselves. Personally, I can't get enough of hearing about other people, provided they have something interesting to say. So let's elaborate.


Go into some of the bands that you're into! Even the embarrassing ones, we all have those bands we're ashamed to listen to, and that shows your ability to open up, and that you're confident with yourself. Obscurity breeds obscurity, list some bands, hell, list shows you've seen.


Same deal goes! List, list, list! Give somebody the chance to find something in common with you.

Other interests

Do you play sports? Do you read? Do you play music? What do you DO in your spare time? Any outer activities that the two of you could possibly do together sometime? Think outside the box!

What are you looking for?

This is important as all hell. By this I don't mean (guys!), "Big tits, thick waist, blue-eyed blonde", no. What are you seeking in terms of a relationship? Are you looking for The One? Are you looking to settle down? Casually date? Make friends? Maybe you already have a significant other and you're legitimately just looking to meet people in your area. Maybe you've just moved into town and you want someone to show you around. It's super important to put these things, otherwise you'll get messages asking for hookups – and if and when you do get these messages, you can be damned sure they didn't even READ your profile, and you know what happens to those messages – BALEETED.

First date

This is your chance to be cute! Men, you can give promises about the fanciest restaurant in town and the opera or whatever other bullshit you choose to spout, but what works better is a nice casual coffee and a stroll through town or something, I don't know, it's up to you, but keep it realistic, casual and fun. There's nothing worse than the pressure of the first date (and I'll get into THAT one later on).

Little extras

Spelling. Yes, it can be difficult, I understand, but there are services easily Google-able, spell-checkers. Just sayin'.

Yeah, you can link to your blog, that's cool. This is not actually sarcasm – a link to your blog, again, shows the willingness to open up. Let people see a bit more about you.

Probably don't put your Facebook information up, just saying. This is how we get stalkers, kids.

What are your life goals? Do they involve a partner?

Work shouldn't be important but yeah, it is. A classy lady won't want a guy who works at McDonalds in his late 20s, and a man won't want to date a woman who works an equally crappy job (I honestly couldn't think of an example for this one).

In conclusion: Photos yes, are huge, because as humans, we're terribly shallow. Make sure it's a photo that makes somebody want to click on you. Once you hook 'em with a good picture, reel them in with an award-winning profile. Make THEM want to message YOU. Once you follow these steps, put your feet up, sip on a cup of coffee, and watch the messages begin to pour in.