April 14, 2007

My perfect sister has, once again, stolen all the attention, at dinner, by announcing her admission to Yale University. Our parents were ecstatic and suddenly, my poor B in math paled in comparison, so I swallowed it rapidly. Trying my best to maintain an enthusiastic expression – my smile was so strained that it hurt – I congratulated her and then, excused myself from the table. It wasn't enough for her to be the first, getting all the honour rolls and be the favourite between us both: she needed to spoil my happiness and my pride, making me feel inferior, whenever I was trying to achieve something.

Later in the evening

She came into my room after the supper, when Mom and Dad finally let her go, having used all the praise they could think of, I guess... Immediately, I saw that something was bothering her, however, my mood wasn't particularly charitable and friendly, so I ignored it. Her eyes were resting anywhere, but on mine, although I could feel her glancing at me furtively, whenever she thought I wasn't looking. After a good minute or so, I sighed and asked "You wanted something?" to which she answered "I don't bother you, do I?"

"No, it's okay,'' I said. I waited for her to continue, as she obviously wanted to tell something. It wasn't everyday my sister Kate took some time off her busy schedule to pay a visit to my bedroom. However, she didn't seem to be in a hurry at all, looking around, as if seeing it for the first time or trying to memorize the details, I had no idea. It was obvious that her thoughts were wandering miles away. Then, out of nowhere, she blurted out "Don't you feel, sometimes, that there is something you're missing, something that seems to be out of your reach and slides between your fingers whenever you manage to grasp it for a split of second?'' to which I managed a poor ''Uh...I don't know, I never thought about it...'' A strange and undefined feeling was starting to nag at my gut, and, suddenly, I felt anger toward my sister – does she always need to make me feel like an idiot? – and wanted her out of my room. A little more harshly than I intended, I hinted, "Don't want to throw you out, but I have a lot of homework to do, so...'' The message was clearly received as she promptly got on her feet, and with a quick ''Good night,'' left. I didn't sleep well that night, my sister's behaviour kept bothering me, without I could find any explanation to it. Finally, exhausted, I slipped into a sleep troubled by nightmares in which I was trying to catch something until I realized that I wasn't the hunter, but the hunted.

April 28, 2007

Kate is acting more and more strangely every day, and even though, she seems the same as usual, something is off about her. Our parents appear to be completely unaware – or perhaps, I am paranoid.

May 5, 2007

Something really isn't going well with Kate.

May 10, 2007

Kate committed suicide.

May 25, 2007

Today, I entered my sister's bedroom. Everything was the same; I even had the impression she was still alive and the last weeks were only a nightmare from which I'll emerge any second. I watched the door to see her come in, with a half-smile on her lips and a glint in her eyes, but as the minutes passed, Kate didn't appear. I sat on the bed and stayed there a long time, contemplating the wall, while repeating the same question over and over again ''Why?'' The familiar guilt came as well and was so powerful that it knocked the breath out of me. "How couldn't I foresee it?'' I didn't realize I had moved until I found myself looking through her things, trying desperately to understand, to find an answer. This is when I saw it. An envelope. An envelope with my name on it. I took it carefully and read :

Dear India,

If you're readind this, then I'm probably already out of this world. Please tell our parents they aren't responsible for what happened; it was my own choice. Of course, you must be wondering what was that I was missing, after all, didn't I have a perfect life? I know you were thinking that everything was so simple and perfect for me, but it wasn't. It was only a verisimilitude. Perhaps you didn't realize it, but I envied your life. I was jealous of your freedom of choice, the way you always stood for what you wanted, not caring at all about what others were thinking about you. Unlike me. You weren't bearing the pressure of our parents' expectations on your shoulders. But I don't blame you, because I am the only one responsible. I guess that, in the end, I couldn't take it anymore, so I escaped this way. I couldn't bear the idea of seeing you being the master of your own destiny, while I would only grant our parents' wishes and dreams. Finally, between us both, I happened to be the weakest, the one who crumbled under pressure...

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