Go back one, two, three- five years, and think... Would your past self be proud of you? Think about how you were, who you were, what you were then. Five years ago, I was a happy, care-free seven year old. I was arrogant, trying to make my parents proud and make everyone acknowledge me. I showed off, wanted to be a genius, loved dogs. I dressed in cute seven year old clothing, with ratty hair that was never brushed, and soft blue eyes. I was in second grade then, but still insecure. I have always been insecure.
That year was the year I tried to get into the gifted program, the year I got all straight A's, taught my class.
Now, I am twelve years old. I am at a gifted school, to graduate high school next year. I am hardened, and though I can never claim to have been naïve about the world, it feels like I was then compared to now. I have to where long sleeves to hide the self-inflicted scars that I bear. I brush my hair into soft waves. I wear jeans and a T-shirt instead of cupcakes and butterflies. I like foxes instead of dogs, I don't show off much, I want to kill myself. I have C's and D's in class. I don't pay attention.
I am depressed, bipolar, full of hate and sorrow. Most of all, my eyes are no longer soft and warm. People still complement me on them, but they are cold and distant and scared now.
I have grown up, leaving the childhood I can't claim to have. I face issues of money, grades, relationships... My family has fallen apart and I am divided between to households, my mother's and my father's. Both of my parents have moved on to bigger and better, letting go of the past. I don't think I can ever do that.
I am broken. I am sad. I don't have the same ambitions I did then. I don't even know if I have ambitions now. Then, suicide was never spoken of. Now, it is my dream, I guess my ambition.
I doubt I would be proud of myself. I never figured I would wind up where I am. I am pathetic now. I doubt I would even understand anything about myself now. And that fact scares me. And it makes the urge to grab a knife and bleed even greater.
But what about you? Would you be proud? Are you happy, still care-free and full of joy? Think about it because I don't think anyone lasts that long in this world.