A/N Yes, this is a parody. It's too awful to be anything else.
Barbie Hill woke up screaming.
One of the twenty hundred-something slaves-I mean, maids- that infested her luxurious mansion-type house covered her ears as she knocked on the door.
"Miss Barbie, it's time for school."
Barbie, like the badass, rebellious, punk, goth, emo, witch, elemental, princess, fairy, dark angel, fashion model she was, opened the door and kicked the maid into next week.
Just for good measure, she stuck her head out the door and yelled something I won't repeat to keep this story rated T.
Then, she started getting dressed. Barbie sighed at the sheer amount of clothing choices, finally deciding on a sequined gold shirt, fishnet stockings, miniskirt, and gold heels.
She examined her stick-thin body in the mirror, noting proudly the way her size-zero clothes clung to her bony frame.
Her lush, long, waist length silver-blonde hair (the kind that Draco Malfoy himself would envy) flowed around her in a waterfall of beauty and peace and beauty and kindness- oh, did I mention beauty?
The limousine waited at the front gate, and as Barbie slipped agilely into it, she noticed the chauffeur staring at her.
She glared at him, and big tears began to roll down his cheeks as Barbie's eyes ROOOOOLLLLEED. Not rolled. ROOOOLLLEEED.
When they arrived at the school, the kids parted in awe to make way for the beautiful girl.
Barbie sighed happily.
Life was perfect.
Yes, for now. But a surprise was coming...
That morning, in class
Barbie sighed, bored to tears with the teacher's needless repetition of material Barbie had already mastered. She had camera memory, didn't she? If she could just...zoom... in...
The poor girl was jolted cruelly to the present as the teacher introduced her.
The new student.
She was tall and slim, red-gold hair cut in a pixie, glowing green eyes, coffee-coloured skin, huge gold hoops, and dressed in tank top and mini-shorts... gorgeous.
"Class, this is Autumn Von Cardonol, a lovely young lady who'll be joining us this year. I'd like some generous student to show her around the school... ah, yes, Miss Hill, why don't you?"
Barbie rose from her seat excitedly.
"Come right this way, hon."
Once they were in the hallway, out of earshot of the teacher, Barbie pinned her against the wall.
"You're a Mary Sue, aren't you?"
Audrey ran a hand through her adorably ruffled hair.
" I came to answer your application to the Official Society of Sues, and to... test you. See if you're ready for it." Barbie licked her lips.
"Bring it on, kid. I'm ready for anything. I'm proficient in karate, tae kwon do, judo- everything, actually."
Audrey fixed her with a cold stare and shoved a sheaf of papers into Barbie's hand.
"I'm not so sure that will help you, at least with these. Fill them out and have them back by tomorrow."
Barbie eyed the papers suspiciously.
"What are these?"
Audrey giggled, the sound strangely rasping.
"Your entrance papers."
"You have three days to find everything in them."
Barbie frowned down at the entrance papers lying on her polished desk, flipping her silky waves of hair out of her eyes as she did so.
The first page of questions was easy... name, age, weight, description of your past and self...
She had gotten them done in a heartbeat.
Especially with her new super-laser-pen-thought-controlled-eye-implants.
The next page was also easy... a questonaire on her powers.
But the third (and last) page contained questions she couldn't answer. Did she have a boyfriend? How cute was he? Was his past as tragic as hers?
Was he a bad-boy cutie or a sweet angel sent to save her from her misery?
All of which were issues Barbie had never had reason to worry about before.
Kevin was surfer-boy adorable, a sweet guy had come into her life at a party one night, and saved her from being drowned in the pond outside the house by a homicidal murderer.
Everyone at the school worshiped them.
There was just one problem:
Kevin was with her only on a 'just-friends' basis.
Which meant she had three days to get him to be her boyfriend.
Barbie wasn't all that worried; a Mary-Sue, even an uncertified one, shouldn't have any trouble with something as minor as getting a boyfriend.