As of 26 Jan 2013, I don't own Chuck et al.

10 Things I've Learned Writing Fan Fiction

1. If either Chuck or Sarah has a five year old child (potential names may include: Maggie, Violet or Megan – names taken from a completely random survey), this child will find the other character, Sarah or Chuck, irresistible.

2. If the word 'adorable' is used to describe Sarah, the word 'psycho,' or a variation thereof, must be used within, or adjacent to, that sentence.

3. Speculation on what happens after the show's finale will eventually end with Sarah falling for Chuck, all over again.

4. AU stories that somehow have Chuck and Sarah need, for plot purposes, to pretend to have a relationship have better odds of being actually readable. There are exceptions to this, but they generally seem to involve all the characters bursting into song for no apparent reason every five minutes.

5. Mention Siberia. Go on. See what happens.

6. Tang

7. Stories set during season one or two should have a scene featuring Sarah wearing an item of Chuck's clothing, or inhaling his scent from something fabric (a pillow case for example).

8. The name of Sarah's goldfish is 'Sharkie.' It was never aired due to ethical concerns, but Sharkie died in an unsuccessful attempt, trying to bite Carina's finger off. He was buried 'at sea.'

9. Mention the name Shaw at your own peril. If you must, kill him off early, gruesomely and amusingly. As a bonus, it's great fun.

10. I cannot count.

11. If you have a non-dirtbag Bryce, he'd better die heroically.

12. When you feature the nerdy portion of the cast playing some sort of 'Space Invaders' sort of game, it helps to get some detail right. Did you know you can play those games at home, right on your TV, nowadays?

13. Making notes like these; are best done in a computer with a keyboard, not an iPhone.

14. Right with gooder English. And use, like, more commas.

15. If you try to include more (and more) detail (and then keep adding stuff (and then more stuff) in brackets), try using a comma (or two) instead.

16. Unless your pen name happens to be brickroad16, don't even THINK about writing a song based fiction. Seriously, step back from the keyboard now. Actually you should go read about three or four chapters of 'Colide' right now. Off you go. Chapters 29 and 49 are my personal favorites

17. Americans don't spell with the letter 'u' enough. My spell check thinks I'm an idiot. So does my wife, but that's not important right now.

18. If you want to maintain the self delusion that you can actually write something that might be readable, and that you have fans who like your writing style, do NOT, under any circumstances read ANY chapter of brickroad16's 'Collide.'

19. Mojitos must be written as 'mo-he-toes.' They are tasty, and fun to say.

20. I really cannot count.

21. Sarah and Carina walk into a bar…. What follow apparently needs to include: tequila, Carina hitting on a stranger, and Sarah just hitting a stranger, and a ride home in the back of a paddy wagon. The paddy wagon scene may, or may not, involve an innocent traffic cone – your choice. This whole scene will catastrophically fail the Bechdel Test (yeah, I had to look that up too).

22. When you steal ideas from someone else's fiction, call it an homage. It'll help you sleep at night. Maybe mention where it came from. Sharkie's name? I stole it from a brilliant fic written ages back and can't remember the author.

23. Follow other authors on Twitter. You'd be amazed at the ideas this will give you. Although, I'm still trying to figure out how to use the Swiss Navy, and its primary strike weapon, the Toblerone Class submarine.

24. According to the online test – The Original Fiction Mary Sue Litmus Test – every Chuck fan fic is a Mary Sue. Every fic. Yes, even yours. Even if you are one of the best and original authors on the site. Part of the test asked:

a) 'Is the character a secret agent,'

b) 'Is the character a ninja,' and

c) 'Does the character know kung fu?'.

26. Do not place a list, like this one, on the fan fiction side of things. FFnet will remove it. The key words there are 'list' and 'fiction.'

27. Oh, alright. I was trying to avoid this. *sigh* Chocolate coloured orbs... Mesmerising chocolate orbs. There, happy?

-o0o-