Today is Monday I know I say I can't go to school every day but I have a real bad feeling that something's going to happen today….something bad. I don't know why but I can't shake this feeling that something really bad is going to happen today but I know my mom and dad are going to make me go anyway they say education is good I don't really blame them for being confused as to why I always don't want to go to school, I can't blame them because I never tell them.. I don't tell anyone that I get bullied in every way possible or that everyone hates me or that I get beat up and harassed daily. No one knows I have suicidal thoughts or that I cut myself daily... it's just not something I tell people it is something I would tell the people I trust but the problem is I don't trust anyone… any way wish me luck in my personal hell..
I sighed and closed my diary and hid it under my mattress my diary is extremely important to me it's like my best friend I write my journal has EVERYTHING in it. It was my life in a book, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, my suicidal attempts etc... They were all in there I would probably go crazy if someone took it or if I lost it.
I got up and showered I grabbed a pair of undergarments and jeans along with a t-shirt and a sweater I always wear sweaters, not just to hide the scars on my body but because it gives me security for some reason without it I feel even more vulnerable then I already do on a regular basis. But you know things weren't always like this this all started 2 years ago in grade 9 when I took my little brother that I loved to death out for ice cream.
"common Ry were hurry up we have to get back in two hours and I want to take you to another cool place after ice cream" I said smiling as he ran down the stairs and grabbed my arm and began pulling me from my arm out the door I smiled and locked the door behind us I took his hand and we began to walk to the ice cream shop just outside our neighbourhood we got ice cream vanilla for me and chocolate for him. As we ate we walked out of the store and I took to the path that led to the beach we live in the few big houses near the beach and I took his hand but led him the opposite way for the beach.
"Lee, where are we going?" he asked I smiled at him "to a really cool place I found" I replied after a few more minutes of walking we reached it. It was like a bluff type thing but it over looked over the beach and the whole ocean he smiled wide.
"Whoa... caylee it's beautiful" he said and smiled wider as he got closer to the edge. "Ryan be careful" I said as I walked closer to him prepared to pull him back towards me. "I just want I better look" he said as he walked closer to the edge and slightly bent down to look down "Ryan! Come back!" I said to him raising my voice and just like that he turned to come back to me but he slipped on a moth covered rock and fell I could hear his cry calling for me "CAYLEE!" He yelled "RYAN!" I yelled as I ran full speed ahead I almost got him but his fingers brushed my hand and he fell out of my reach I bent down on the ledge and looked down I saw him fall and hit the ground below us I screamed. I quickly got up and ran to the other side and climbed down a tree then slid down a rock and got back on my feet then ran towards him. I was in shock and I held his head and felt something wet my eyes widened and I looked at my hand and saw blood as the blood pooled around him I called the ambulance.
"Ryan... Ryan I love you please don't leave me" I whispered in his ear as I held him in my arms while crying I didn't know how to stop the bleeding I was freaking out then I heard sirens and the ambulance came and they put him on a stretcher and allowed me to ride in the back as we got to the hospital I called my parents and they rushed over and they asked what happened I told them but when the doctors came out they said he was in a coma then 2 weeks later he died…
-End Of Flashback-
For a few months I blocked everyone out depressed then everyone started bullying me and the comments that hurt me the most were the ones about my brother and how it was my fault he died. No one should have to bury their child but because of me my parents had to. The bullies got the thought that this was all my fault into my head and they were right it was my fault I still can't believe it has been 2 years officially yesterday I spent the day locked up in his room crying when I think about him I feel like I wanted to die.. he was the only person in the whole world I really trusted and loved deeply other than my parents but now I don't think I love anyone but I know I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone and sometimes I have dreams where he's there with me and sometimes I wish I could sleep forever like if it meant I could be with him again I would kill myself in a heartbeat but now even without that confirmation I still want to kill myself I have attempted suicide a few times before I tried everything but my parents caught me the last 4 times because I stabbed myself, took 20 prescription drugs, hung myself, and the last one was 3 weeks ago they caught me in the attic with my dad's safety gun pointed to my head each one of those times I ended up in the hospital except for the gun I failed every time though.
I made my mom cry last time when my mom wasn't in town and I stabbed myself and I didn't die when I woke u I said "I am alive?" and she answered "yes thank god" "and I whispered " ugh damn it I really thought that would've done it" but she heard me and broke down into tears. I sighed at the memory.