As I reached the familiar brick building I walked up the steps keeping my gaze low and avoiding everyone as much as possible, I got to my locker and spun the dial entering my code then opened it I traded my books and got out the books I needed for first and second period and shut my locker and headed to class. As usual I was early so I took out my sketch book and began drawing I drew everything that came to mind in my sketch book and today I drew a rope hanging from a tree with a loop and added a lot of details to make it as realistic as possible.
Art, drawing, painting there my secret talents if I might admit I'm pretty good I have three sketchbooks filled I just started my fourth that's how I express my feelings art and my journal I don't know how I'd live without them.
The bell rang and students began pouring into the class as everyone was getting settled in I put my art stuff into my art bag it was a sling tote with drawings on the outside that had all my art supplies and sketchbooks etc. in it. The teacher began teaching and before I knew it the bell rang and everyone was headed out of the class I sighed because English was the only class I couldn't and don't get bullied in the rest of my school day is brutal.
I sighed as I entered my science class as soon as I entered it started I flinched as a scrunched up paper hit me in the face I picked it up and it read 'What were you brothers last words before you killed him?' I sighed and put my head down until I felt a tap on my shoulder and then a whisper in my ear "I wonder if your brother is looking down at you from heaven and saying damn my sister is fat, ugly, and deserves to go to hell for killing me" the person said and as tears slowly and silently fell down my face I kept having flashbacks of me and my brother a few minutes later I couldn't take it I grabbed my bags and my books and ran out of the class with tears falling rapidly down my face I ran until I slammed into someone and fell to the ground as my stuff fell all over the floor. I groaned and sat up with tears still falling but more slowly I wiped my face and bent over picking up all my stuff and putting them in a pile when I saw I hand pass me the most important book of all.. my journal I looked up at him "thanks.." I said and I put everything in there bags and got up keeping my head down I left the school when I heard him yell "hey! Whats your name?!" I didn't turn back I just left. I got home and my mom wasn't home thank god I ran up to my room and just fell onto my bed crying then around 15 minutes later I had a random burst of anger and sadness I jumped out of bed and grabbed my special journal pen and grabbed my journal and ran downstairs and out the door I ran out to where my brother fell off the ledge and passed away. I went and leaned over the edge and saw something that caught my eye so i bent over nearly flipping off the edge but not caring I climbed of the edge and onto a tree and I stretched until I reached it.
I grabbed it and I saw it was his 2 dog chains. I climbed down and I went the other way back to the edge and I sat down looking over to the ocean and began to cry. I curled up into a ball and just cried and cried I fell asleep crying.
5 hours later it was 8pm the sun was about to start setting I got up and grabbed my journal and pen and began walking I was walking and walking until I ended up at the cemetery that my brother was buried at I walked around the cemetery and I went to my brothers head stone I starred at it for 5 minutes until I dropped to my knees sobbing all over again. "I am soo sorry" whispered "I wish I died not you" I continued as I stretched my arm over and let my fingers caress the words on the stone as tears kept falling. I felt a pull at my heart as I sat here it wasn't a little one it caused my pain unbearable pain I sniffled and hiccupped as I tried to contain my tears.
A man was walking along the graves he looked at me and walked up to me he spoke "umm ma'am.. your not supposed to be here visiting hours start at 7am and end at 7pm" he spoke while staring at me. "ma'am im going to have to ask you to leave" he said trying to get through to me. Startling him I burst out crying again "oh im sorry it's my fault, it's all my fault… oh god please did you have to take him? Take me… it's all my fault.." I whispered I didn't know how to stop the pain I was experiencing in my chest.
The night guard looked a bit frightened at my sudden outburst "I will join you soon" I whispered and I kissed his headstone and got up taking my journal I walked out I walked to an empty street and sat on a bench I opened my journal to a fresh new page and began writing.
I snapped today the bullies were at it again but I couldn't handle it I ran out of the school I bumped into someone I don't know who though I picked up all my stuff and ran home when I got home I just burst into tears as I fell on my bed.. I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle this I feel like the only way I will ever be in peace is if I died that way at least I would be in peace and with Ryan…
I found his dog chains today when I went back to the bluffs I nearly fell twice but I don't care In fact I was half hoping I would. I will wear his dog chains every day for the rest of my life it's all I have left of him.. I went to his room to find everything packed in boxes. I don't know how I'm going to survive anymore it affects me more and more every day. Any way after I got the chains I broke down crying and I went to the cemetery to visit him and I stayed there until the night guard told me to leave not that I blame him it was around 10:30 pm but I think I scared him because after he politely asked me to leave I froze and then burst out crying again i don't know how to explain it, it was this unbearable pain I have never felt before it felt like someone took out my heart and was shredding in a shredder it felt like someone was pulling my heart apart roughly It gave me not only emotional pain but physical pain.. but before I left I whispered to him I told ryan "I'll join you soon" im not sure what my plan is this time but I will have to figure it out.