EXT. STAGE – DAY

VOICE OVER
(serious)
And now for a speech by Protector Heydrich.

BAM. He gets hit in the head by a radio.

VOICE OVER
(serious)
This has been a speech by Protector Heydrich.

INT. PROTECTOR HEYDRICH's OFFICE
PROTECTOR HEYDRICH is sitting at his desk, writing—

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(looking up)
Excuse me.

Yeah. What.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
I insist on being called by my full title.

You serious, bro?

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Absolutely.

Sigh. Okay.

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH—I ain't even making this shit up—is sitting at his fucking DESK fucking WRITING

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH
That's better.

Suddenly SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH—Jesus fucking Christ, I'm gonna get a hernia—

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH
Excuse
me. You foul-mouthed freak.

WHAT—is your fucking DESK a GENERAL TOO?

SCHUTASTAFFEL-FUCKING-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND FUCKING-GENERAL DER FUCKING-POLIZEI, FUCKING-LEITER DES FUCKING-REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND FUCKING-STELLVERTRETENDER FUCKING-REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN FUCKING-REINHARD FUCKING-TRISTAN FUCKING-EUGEN FUCKING-HEYDRICH
There's no need to bring Jesus into this. In fact, Christianity—

Fuck this.

PROTECTOR DICKFACE
—is one of the main delusions—(looking up)—oh, well that's real mature.

What?

PROTECTOR DICKFACE
What are you, like twelve?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

PROTECTOR DICKFACE
(goes back to writing)

And then—OH SHIT TIME FOR THE NEXT SCENE

EXT. ENGLAND

EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYS

TRAINING MONTAGE of COMMANDOS JAN and JOZEF. Getting TRAINED. Jumping over OBSTACLE COURSES. WEIGHT LIFTING. Learning how to shoot MACHINE GUNS and shit. Instead of, you know. Screwing around in England and going to MOVIE THEATRES and SHIT. Seriously. These guys are like fucking Rambo right now.

EXT. AIRFIELD

A BLUE BOX is visible in the background.

JAN
I must go. My people need me.

JOZEF
And me as well.

PAUSE.

JAN
Screw this.

JOZEF
Let's kill Heydrich!

They salute the ENGLISHMEN and get on the plane.

EXT. STAGE– DAY

VOICE OVER
And now for a speech by Protector Heydrich.

BAM. He gets hit in the head by a fruitcake.

VOICE OVER
This has been a speech by Protector Heydrich.

INT. PROTECTOR's OFFICE

PROTECTOR
I refuse to be in this sketch if I'm just going to be—mercilessly mocked this entire time—

I got some bad news for you, son.

PROTECTOR CONDOM
With this needlessly vulgar—juvenile—sense of 'humor'—

KNOCK KNOCK, BITCH. SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERSCHARFUHRER JOHANNES KLEIN ENTERS the ROOM.

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERSCHARFUHERER JOHANNES KLEIN
Hello, Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich.

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH
Hello Schutastaffel-Oberscharführer Johannes Klein—

Oh my god, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? How the fuck do they even communicate?

SCHUTASTAFFEL-OBERGRUPPENFUHRER UND GENERAL DER POLIZEI, LEITER DES REICHSSICHERHEITSHAUPTAMTS UND STELLVERTRETENDER REICHSPROTEKTOR VON BOHEM UND MAHREN REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH
(looking up)
SHUT UP!

OBERSHARFUHRER KLEIN
(confused)
Uh—sir? Who are you talking to?

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(completely calm)
Nobody, Klein. Only the voices I alone am privileged to hear.

OBERSHARFUHRER KLEIN
Oh—kay.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
So, Klein. Have you thought about my—offer?

OBERSHARFUHRER KLEIN
Huh?

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
To become my scharführer—I mean my chauffeur?

OBERSHARFUHRER KLEIN
Is that like—a euphemism for something?

OKAY GUYS let's not go there.

OBERSHARFUHRER KLEIN
(to HEYDRICH)
Wait—you're like—a super villain, aren't you?

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(petting a cat)
What makes you say that?

KLEIN
You live in a Castle.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(in increasingly high-pitched voice)
Yes.

KLEIN
A cherished piece of history torn from the people. In a conquered land.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Yes.

KLEIN
People who you believe are inferior to you in every way.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Yes.

KLEIN
And whom you treat as such. As their oppressor.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Yes.

KLEIN
You have—religious—visions in which you envision yourself as a God.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
That's right.

KLEIN
Your nickname is the Hangman.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Yes.

KLEIN
The Butcher of Prague. I can't even go into what you did, because this is a T-rated piece.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(putting on a crown)
And—your point is?

KLEIN
What are you doing?

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Oh, you know. This is the crown of Bohemia. Cursed to kill any usurper who dares place it on his head within the year.

KLEIN

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
(steepling fingers)
So how about it?

KLEIN
Well—

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH
Also if you don't accept this job offer I'll have the Gestapo arrest you and chop off your hands and gouge your eyes out and probably torture you to death.

KLEIN
(enthusiastically shaking his hand)
COUNT ME IN!

EXT. OUTSIDE HEYDRICH's FOREST ESTATE – A COUNTRY ROAD

JAN and JOZEF have stretched a WIRE across the road to stop PROTECTOR HEYDRICH's car. Also a bunch of other booby traps. Landmines, spear guns, hidden pits, etc. They are both in war paint and cameo clothing.

JAN
Day 3. Still nothing.

They wait.

JOZEF
Don't worry, man. If this doesn't work we'll, just set the tiger on them.

They wait.

EXT. TWO WEEKS LATER

JAN and JOZEF in the same position.

JAN
You know what we should do? We should blow up a train.

JOZEF
Shut up. This is 1942, not a Michael Bay movie.

INT. EXPLODED TRAIN

FLAMES in the background. EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE.

JOZEF
(in SAMUEL L. JACKSON voice)
I'm sick of these motherfuckin' Nazis on this motherfuckin' train!

JAN
(shaking SS OFFICER)
WHERE IS HEYDRICH? WHERE THE FUCK IS HEYDRICH?

RANDOM SS OFFICER
Wha—

JOZEF
(pointing MACHINEGUN at him)
SAY WHAT AGAIN SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME—SAY WHAT ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME—I MOTHERFUCKIN' DARE YOU

RANDOM SS OFFICER
What?

JOZEF SHOOTS him in the FOOT.

RANDOM SS OFFICER
(screaming)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

JAN
(shaking SS OFFICER)
WHERE IS HEYDRICH?!

JOZEF
(shoving MACHINEGUN in face)
ANSWER ME, BITCH

RANDOM SS OFFICER
(whimpering)
He's in the Castle—like he always is—what are you guys even talking about?

JOZEF SHOOTS him in the FACE.

EXT. STAGE – DAY

VOICE OVER
And now for a speech by Protector Heydrich.

BAM. He gets hit in the head by—oh, he ducked. Damn.

PROTECTOR HEYDRICH.
(high-pitched)
(straightening up) Ha, what now? Is that the best you got? (looking around) Ha. You see, I have seen through your peabrained schemes. Yes, you stupid worms. Now you shall listen. Now you—

BAM. A GRAND piano falls on him.

VOICE OVER
This has been a speech by Protector Heydrich.

INT. CASTLE

Vicious GROWLING offscreen. GUNSHOTS.

HEYDRICH and KLEIN run onscreen.

HEYDRICH
Holy shit, I can't believe we got away from that tiger.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
(panting)
I know, right?

HEYDRICH
(looking at watch)
Oh wow, would you look at that—it's time for my daily invigorating car ride!

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
(panting)
Oh man, that sounds safe—I mean fun!

HEYDRICH
Through Prague. In my open top convertible.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN

HEYDRICH
Yes, driving through a city of people who hate my fucking guts. In my open top car. Just a plain ol' Mercedes. Not bullet proof or anything.

PAUSE.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
That sounds like an awesome idea!

HEYDRICH
I know, right?

EXT. HILL OVERLOOKING ROAD IN PRAGUE

JAN and JOZEF watch HEYDRICH's car approaching.

JAN
Look at this little bitch. Can't even drive his own car.

JOZEF
(loading machinegun)
Let's do this.

INT. THEATER

JAN and JOZEF stumble in, panting heavily. The MOVIE SCREEN FLICKERS and goes dark behind them. The AUDIENCE looks up.

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
How did it go? Did you get him?

They take a while to catch their breaths. Finally, JOZEF starts.

JOZEF
(acting it out)
So his car came up to that sharp turn. And I jumped in front of it as it slowed—the Protector right in my line of fire—

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
Yes?

JOZEF
—and I took my machinegun out—

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
Yes?

JOZEF
—and it jammed.

EVERYONE
(disappointed)
Aww...

JOZEF
But wait—

EXT. SHARP TURN IN PRAGUE – DAY

JOZEF is standing in front of HEYDRICH and KLEIN's car, frantically trying to machinegun them.

HEYDRICH
(seriously)
Klein. I want you to stop this car.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
Are you fucking serious?

HEYDRICH
Hell's yeah. (pointing at JOZEF) Right in front of that guy.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
Can we at least run him over first?

INT. THEATER

JAN
I saw Jozef was having trouble. So I tossed a fuckin' grenade at them.

EXT. SHARP TURN IN PRAGUE – DAY

BOOM. HEYDRICH's car EXPLODES.

INT. THEATER

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
Yes?

JOZEF
But it missed.

AUDIENCE
(disappointed)
Aww…

EXT. SHARP TURN IN PRAGUE – DAY

The GRENADE shreds the side of that damn MERCEDES, embedding shards of SHRAPNEL and UPHOLSTERY in HEYDRICH's body. EXTREMELY PAINFUL SHRAPNEL and UPHOLSTERY

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
(groans)

Oh, and KLEIN also got hurt too.

INT. THEATER

JAN
(laughing)
But no—no, here's the best part—

EXT. SHARP TURN IN PRAGUE – DAY

HEYDRICH
(standing up shakily, pulling out gun)

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
Protector…what are you…doing…

HEYDRICH
(high-pitched voice)
No one nearly assassinates me and gets away with it!

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
Yeah. They have to go all the way, don't they.

He attempts to chase JOZEF and shoot him with a PISTOL. But then he collapses. Because, you know. He got hit by a fucking GRENADE.

JOZEF
(singing)
Nah nah nah

He jumps on a BICYCLE and pedals away.

INT. THEATER

JOZEF
(laughing)
No, no, this is the best part—

EXT. SHARP TURN IN PRAGUE – DAY

HEYDRICH
(lying in the middle of the road)
Klein.

OBERCHAUFFEUR KLEIN
Yeah.

HEYDRICH
I want you to chase after those commando guys.

KLEIN
Are you…fucking…serious…

PAUSE

KLEIN
(after a moment)
You know what? I don't even fucking care anymore.

He jumps up and runs after the COMMANDOS. They shoot him.

INT. THEATER

JOZEF
So he was lyin' there in the middle of the road.

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
Yes?

JOZEF
Just lyin' there, bleedin' to death.

AUDIENCE
(eagerly)
Yes?

JAN
But then a kind old lady walked by and saw him and called an ambulance for him.

AUDIENCE
Oh, come on.

EXT. PRAGUE – DAY

A legit AMBULANCE drives through the street, sirens blaring. They zoom past this sketchy looking 'AMBULANCE'—more like a mail truck with a cross painted on it. From the Paris Gestapo Headquarters, apparently.

JOZEF (V.O.)
They took him to the best hospital in Czech, only 250 metres away.

AUDIENCE (V.O.)
Aww…

INT. BULOVKA HOSPITAL

JAN (V.O.)
He was operated on by the best surgeons in Prague. They reinflated his collapsed left long, removed the tip of his fractured eleventh rib, sutured his torn diaphragm, inserted several catheters into him and removed his spleen—

AUDIENCE (V.O.)
TMI

JOZEF (V.O.)
And he appeared to be healing quite well for a few months—

AUDIENCE (V.O.)
(disappointed)
Awww…

INT. BULOVKA HOSPITAL

HEYDRICH
(mit Pathos)
The world is just a barrel-organ which the Lord God Himself turns,
We all have to dance to the tune which is already on the drum.

The DOCTORS look at each other.

DOCTOR
(shrugging)
Must've been all that morphine we gave him.

INT. THEATER

JOZEF
—and then he died.

PAUSE.

AUDIENCE
FUCK YES

AWESOME PARTY. HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND EVERYBODY.

HITLER REACTS TO HEYDRICH's ASSASSINATION (DOWNFALL STYLE)

INT. GERMANY – WAR ROOM

HITLER is distinguished by a semi-competent looking uniform. Clearly not as much effort has been put into the costumes of the others. Most of them sit around the table with signs around their necks. RANDOM GENERAL 4, HIMMLER, GENERAL SPECIFIC, GORING, MAJOR ASSHOLE, KARL HERMANN FRANK, MAJOR MINOR, MAJOR SPORTING EVENT, etc.

HITLER (OH MY FUCKING GOD HITLER)
This is an outrage. (slamming fist on table) There must be retribution for this—I want you to kill all the Czechs.

The OTHERS look at each other.

HIMMLER
(wearing 3-D glasses)
All of them?

HITLER
Every single fucking last one of them.

FRANK
(with a parrot on his shoulder)
But mein Führer—the Czech lands are an important industrial zone for our military.

HITLER
Yes?

HIMMLER
Well. We feel like—killing all of them—might reduce the productivity of the region.

FRANK
Just a bit.

HIMMLER
Just a little bit.

FRANK
(making the hand gesture)
Just an itty bitty tiny bit.

PAUSE.

HITLER
Yes. You may have something there. (thoughtfully) We might have to dial this back a bit.

FRANK
Just a bit.

HIMMLER
Just a little bit.

FRANK
Just an itty bitty tiny bit.

EXT. STAGE – DAY

Opening three chords of THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA

VOICEOVER
And now for a speech by—

The CZECH COMMANDOS walk onstage. JAN stands behind the podium.

JAN
We got him.

FOURTH NOTE OF THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA

JAN kicks the podium over VIOLENTLY and marches—strides PRIDEFULLY—offstage. The others follow, taking their bows—TOTALLY trashing all the NAZI decorations onstage. JOZEF fires a machinegun round into the air as he passes, whoops.